One year on since discovering H's affair

[bullinthesea]

Hi, some of you may remember my post last year: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1782820-My-DH-has-had-an-emotional-affair (it was a physical affair it turned out btw).

It's over a year on from discovery, and I just wanted to post an update, about how I'm feeling about things really. Maybe those of you who have experienced similar can relate your experiences & if you felt the way I do.

It probably doesn't help that I'm tapering off antidepressant medication currently. That's probably affecting my thoughts on things.

On the plus side, H has been a lot more attentive, and has taken on board a lot of things that I was unhappy with, in our relationship, prior to discovery. (and I likewise).
On the downside, I still can't trust him (which I suppose is to be expected). I realise that some marriages can recover from affairs, and I suppose I felt that really, I had to try at it, so that if we end up going our separate ways, at least I'll know I tried my hardest.

I'm now paranoid that he's got an eye on our neighbour, who lives directly opposite us. He seems overly keen to say hello & have her attention (more so than any other neighbour). If I happen to speak to her about anything, he suddenly appears by my side, as though he's desperate to get in on the conversation. Whenever we're outside, I have noticed that his eyes keep flickering over to her house. The other day, I got out of the shower, to find him sitting in the spare room (at the front of the house, where he can see her house) and as I came out of the bathroom door, I saw him quickly pull the curtain back into place (as if he had been looking out of the window & stopped suddenly when I appeared). He claimed he was in there feeding the fish. I keep catching him in there though, apparently gazing at the fish.

I'm also aware that when he was in the midst of his affair, he was talking people that are our friends & basically painting my name black & saying how unhappy he was with me (this was despite telling me he loved me & was having lots of weekends away with me etc etc).
I spoke to a (male) friend of mine just this week for the first time in ages, and when I described what had happened with H, he replied with - "Well, you know Bullinthesea, you were going through depression, and if things weren't right, then��not wanting to make excuses for your H or anything". It felt like he already knew, and had heard H's 'version' (he hasn't told any of his friends the actual truth, too busy trying to look like the good guy). It feels like even my friend blames me for H's affair.

What really bugs me, is that at the time of the affair, I sensed that something wasn't right, and in response, I was reading books about how to make marriage work, and looking up tips on the Internet for how to improve things. I was looking into different counselling services available as I thought it would help us to improve our relationship. I was trying.
I was also doing all the cooking (trying to make his favourite meals)/cleaning (he has OCD & I wanted him to be happy in his environment)/ironing/ childcare/all his errands to help him out & save him time. He really didn't appreciate any of it and constantly found fault with everything (yes, I know, the script). I realise now that I was probably being a bit of a doormat, and have since got a job, refuse to do any of his ironing and insist that he does his share of the housework!

I guess to sum it all up, I'm still not over it, but not hurting as much as before. The experience has left me feeling insecure - I wasn't before, I even used to be fine about him going out for the evening with a group of girls that he's known for years without me (I stayed home with our son) but not anymore. I feel uneasy whenever he's out/at work.

I don't know if I'll ever feel at peace with my situation, I'm trying to put it behind me, but there are so many reminders everywhere.
He has applied for lots of jobs, but only had one interview which was unsuccessful, which means he still works for the same school as OW, teaching her child(ren).

I chatted to a female friend about this whilst abroad. She told me that her & her husband both thought my H is a player. (her H used to work with my H, I also wonder how much her H knew).

So, I just wanted to talk really, don't want to bore my friends rigid, by keep bringing it up, but I do feel the need to talk and hear others experiences - positive or negative.

[AnyFucker]

I remember you, love

I think the way you are living now sounds like a living hell. I am sorry.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I agree with the PP. Trying to put it behind you is a nice idea but the way you feel now is going to be pretty standard for the foreseeable future. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. Hope you don't come to regret the sacrifices you're making.

[Ledkr]

This is the very reason I chose not to stay with my cheating h.
I was not strong enough to cope with all the doubt and worry.
It was a lot easier to simply get over him.

[AnyFucker]

I was just about to say, ledkr, it would have been a fuckload easier to simply write him off than to live like this

OP, you would have been well on your way to a cheating twat-free life after a year

All this wasted time

Absolutely no reason to waste a year and a day, just because you have been "trying to get over it". Some things are quite simply unforgiveable and it can take a whiel to come to that conclusion.

It's ok to stop now.

[arsenaltilidie]

That's not a way to live.

He destroyed your marriage and is now eyeing up the neighbour.

[BloodontheTracks]

I remember you bull. I posted under 'tessa' back then. I'm sad to see you're still with him. That's one of the saddest threads I remember. You're married to a player who used hook up sites, had an affair, lied about it when confronted and made you feel shitty and shamed when you brought it up? Yes, you've been a bit of a doormat. You can do better, love. You deserve it. This is so out of whack.

I read back and I wrote this in your last thread>…...

--OP, I know everything in you right now is telling you not to upset your life and to trust him and that he is hurting. But if this is swept under the rug and the truth does not out, it will fester and ruin things later down the line.
And he MUST commit to never working with her again, even if it means moving jobs.

Otherwise this is all a waste of time and in in six months time it will happen again.

So sorry for the pain and anguish. It is a dreadful thing to discover about someone who is supposed to protect you. Don't forget he cannot protect you from him.-

I'm genuinely sorry to be right. Your husband sounds like a total pervy prick. Please leave him.

[BloodontheTracks]

AF is right. If you're looking for permission to leave, please, we are giving you permission, for what it's worth. It's okay to leave. Living like this is not okay.

[tribpot]

In March you were considering separation, having basically discovered your DH was disrespectful and selfish, as well as a cheater. (Had you discovered at that point that the affair was physical?)

You said in October last year He is well aware that I will throw him out of there is so much as a hint of a whiff of another woman, yet he still seems to want to try & get things on track with me.

It seems pretty likely his eye is starting to wander again. So what do you do now?

[BloodontheTracks]

This is the guy that mutual friends described to you as 'a bit of a player' I think? He's THAT guy. He's the one in the office everyone talks about and feels sorry for his wife. You. I'm so sorry, OP. Your instincts are there for a reason. They were right before, even though he lied and lied and told you it wasn't physical etc. Why would they suddenly be wrong now?

[CharlotteCollins]

I remember you, too. So sorry to hear you're still struggling.

Have you had any counselling just for you? I think you could do with some time to focus on yourself, just you.

I do think you should leave him. Do it for your DS, or he will grow up thinking your marriage is how marriages should be.

[bullinthesea]

Thanks everyone for your responses, I think I know what I need to do - it's finding the strength to actually go through with it. My DS would have his life turned upside down & I could never tell him why. My life would also go under a major upheaval. I'm not sure I'm ready for that either. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Financially I would have a very hard time.
H would portray me as the bad guy to anyone that will listen and make himself look like the victim (as always). He has this way of getting everyone around him to feel sorry for him and I'm not sure why he does it, but he's very good at it.
How do you get through this?

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

Sounds like he's looking for his next mistress

[SlicedAndDiced]

Actually op I think you'll find that in the end your son will be much happier.

I grew up as the child in your situation. He will find out eventually, you can't help that. I remember the poisonous atmosphere and how tense and sick it made me feel.

My mum thought she kept her pain, fears and doubts under wraps. You can't help but show it sometimes.

Your son will be much happier with a confident and happy woman as a mother, not living this shell of pa life you have described ( and which I can remember all too well)

I hope you find the strength my poor mother never did op, for both of your sakes everyone deserves to feel happy and trust those in their home.

[Fmlgirl]

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? He doesn't sound like a prize worth fighting for or anything. He sounds like a lying, cheating arse.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"How do you get through this?"

Sometimes you just have to find the courage of your convictions. All the other stuff... money, losing friends, upheaval, even the effect on your DS.... is very important but there are ways to deal with it and positive choices you can make that will restore your self-respect. You have no choice whatsoever in his behaviour at the moment and, whilst you may have things like money, a lifestyle and outward stability, your self-respect is taking a daily hammering and you've already got friends making excuses for him.

[Bruins]

Any one who read your thread bull will remember you.

On a site where we read about countless rubbish men, I'm afraid that yours stood out as being about as rubbish as they get.

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Please find the courage to help yourself. Don't waste more years on this sorry excuse for a man.

I often see the phrase on here that "You are worth more than this".
In your case bull, times that by ten.

[Fontella]

No disrepect OP but your husband sounds like a right twat.

Honestly - just the perving over the neighbour gives me the creeps, let alone his track record. Staring at his fish my arse!

As for him pulling the wool over people's eyes and everyone thinking it's your fault ... so what? Who gives a toss what other people think? You are the one who has to live with the smarmy git - not them. Let them think what they like, you know the truth. And as for all that business about trying to cook the meals he wants and keep the house perfect because he's got OCD, running his errands all that just to keep him happy, in the past ... that's just no way to live, honestly it isn't.

Yes it would be an upheaval, yes it would be a disruption, yes it might be difficult financially for a bit - but thousands, millions of women have done it, survived it, and most go on to be much happier.

When I split with my ex I got sweet FA. I had to move into social housing, never had a car for two years - and me, my four year old and six year old would have to go up Tesco on our bikes, and I'd be packing tins of beans and things into their little rucksacks. I remember one dark winter's evening cycling back with my little ones in front of me, their little legs peddling away and it was absolutely chucking it down. We were like drowned rats. We cycled nearly three miles back from my son's Beavers meeting and they never stopped once, or complained once - they just got on with it. And we'd moved from a big detached house, own business, flash jeep etc. etc. My ex was a cheating, lying arsehole as well, and I've never regretted leaving - not for one second.

More than a decade on we're doing fine - son going off to Uni this year, daughter in college I'm happy, they are happy. Time passes.

You and your boy would get through a break up and I'd put money on it, you'd both go on to be a lot happier in the long run.

This is no way to live your life honestly - paranoid, insecure .. and at the mercy of the actions and behaviour of a man .. who quite frankly, doesn't sound worth the effort.

[Egghead68]

Sounds horrible.

Leave.

[Jan45]

All excuses OP, decide you want to leave and do it or, put up with the shit you have been. Yes it will be a bit of an upheaval but nowhere as bad as you are thinking.

Don't just put the affair and his sleazy behaviour behind you, put him well in the past.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I remember too, as another PP said, mainly because is the lowest of the low!

You could now be a year on from a split.
Your son could be thriving.
You could be finding yourself
You could be free
You could be living the single life
But.... Hindsight is wonderful thing.

Now you have hindsight - don't waste it.
Get out.
Get a plan together.
Solicitor
CAB
CSA
Then make your move.

This is no way to live.
It will be like this forever more, until you actually find the courage to leave.

When you do leave, just tell people the truth.
They probably know anyway.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

He's the one who betrayed your trust and it appears that he's done nothing, absolutely sweet FA, to reassure you that he's acknowledged the pain he caused you and is determined to work his arse off to regain it.

The failure is all his and how you describe him peering out the window at his latest interest made my flesh creep. Who bloody cares whether he would lie all over again about none of this being his fault? People very close to you have acknowledged that they think he's a "player", and I'm certain that they've expressed themselves in the most neutral terms they could muster in order not to hurt you. Their real feelings, expressed in private, would almost certainly be far more brutally candid. They are unlikely to be the only people in your life who see him for what he truly is: a liar, a betrayer, an arsehole.

There's no shame in admitting that you can't readily accept what he's done and is likely continuing to do to you.

Set some money aside in savings. Make a plan. Leave

[CarryOnDancing]

The really sad part about your post is how much pressure you've put on yourself to make this work. You wanted to make sure you tried your hardest. AF is right-you need to feel it's acceptable to leave now. Well you have my permission too

Look back at how much of your confidence and self esteem you've traded in the last year just to stay with a man who will happily put your son last for a flash of skirt.

Can you imagine how sick you will feel for your entire life if your son grew to have the same disrespect for women-and that will include you!

You've done enough now, you have to let this go. It wasn't even your fight to start with. Get angry that you've found yourself back here. Trust your instincts with regard the neighbour and his desires. Please please leave! You deserve to leave now!

[magoria]

Sounds like a complete miserable waste of a year.

No matter how attentive he has been he has destroyed your trust.

It does sound like he is interested in the neighbour and he is painting you to be the guilty party or at least the 'reason' he did it not just because he was weak and selfish.

This suggests he hasn't accepted responsibility so what is to stop him doing it again?

Do you really want to live the next 10/15 or more years like the last? Or become so empty you don't care any more?

[WildItWasFurious]

I can't tell you what I think you should do, but for what it's worth it definitely sounds like he fancies the neighbour. He's not even being very subtle about it. The fish excuse is completely lame.

I also want to say - please don't waste mental energy on how he will paint you to other people. The fact is, when you get a divorce or break up with someone you will probably lose friends. The people who were friends with him when you met will side with him, because people always side with their mates over mates' other halves and believe what they say.

People like to think that once they expose their cheating exes, the scales will fall from everyone's eyes and they will see what a prick he is. IME, 9 times out of 10 that doesn't happen, even if the ex has been really vile. Your friends will support you (if they're proper friends), his friends will back him up and believe his shit. Just accept that this will happen and decide not to care about it.

[nauticant]

This is a heartbreaking thread.

Perhaps you needed the year to feel that you'd tried and to truly know what "after" would look like. Now you know.

Don't have another year of it. Or another five. Especially since, when your husband next cheats, it will break your spirit even more.