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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Aggressive husband (sorry long story!)

116 replies

flowerpothead · 19/07/2014 05:21

It has been a very bad week - we're trying to move house and it's all going terribly wrong and have the added stress of an 8 week old DS and just turned 2 DS. Last night I was in a foul mood after picking eldest up from nursery to find that again he had come home with awful awful nappy rash. I have been really struggling with doing bedtimes alone for the 2 of them and my H is usually home in time on Friday for bedtime. Yesterday he came home late, completely pissed after a big corporate event at Lords. We had a big row as I'm not happy about him going away for 2 nights on a stag do weekend after next and this brought it to a head. I know I was being a cow about it (saying I would email his friend and say he was only going for 1 night) but he totally flipped out.
He was holding me down on the sofa trying to get my phone off me then threw it forcefully onto the floor. He held me down so hard I have huge bruises on both arms and scratches. I told him I wanted him to go and stay at his mums (lives in same town). We were shouting but he then proceeded to push me hard against the fridge three times whilst still holding my wrists really hard then against the back door twice - I was terrified the glass would break. The fridge door is dented. Then I was cowering on the floor and I really thought he would hit me - I started screaming for help and he stopped and sulked off.
Also a bit sad as he was on the phone to his mum saying could he stay and I was shouting at him to just leave - he said "sorry I'm just going to beat my wife and hung up". She didn't ring to check I was ok - guess she thought it was jest :-(
This only happens once in a blue moon (under exceptional circumstances) and has never been this bad. He's never hit me but I feel really sore - my arms and back are killing me. I don't want to separate as most of the time we get on pretty well. I want him to see someone about his temper though. I think we should be able to have a flaming row without me ending up feeling like this. Would be very grateful for advice. Am most scared that when the children are bigger they'll experience his temper.

OP posts:

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MarrogfromMars · 19/07/2014 05:35

That's not just aggression - that's violence. I'm sorry, I think next time he will hit you. And there will be lots of very sensible MN folk along to tell you so. But hugs from me for the moment. No one deserves to live in fear.

olderguy · 19/07/2014 05:38

This is not normal behaviour under any circumstances, you say it only happens once in blue moon which says this has happened before. This will only end up one way and it's not a good way. You need to seriously think is this what you want your children to see and hear as they grow up as its things like this that will stay with them forever. I think you'd be better off getting some professional advice from people who are better trained to deal with situations like his.

creativevoid · 19/07/2014 05:42

This is domestic violence, and from what you say, not the first time. Don't make the mistake of thinking that because he "hasn't hit you" that it isn't. He has hurt you, intimidated you, left marks on you, and is using violence to intimidate and control you. Please read, "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It will make much clearer to you than I can how completely wrong his behaviour is and what the consequences for you and your children will be.

I am speaking from experience. I also thought it wasn't abuse. It was. Understanding that makes your options much clearer.

Nulliferous · 19/07/2014 05:42

Call the police.

Any other advice is pointless, sorry.

Your children are already experiencing his temper - don't kid yourself they're not.

flowerpothead · 19/07/2014 05:45

Thank you. The only other time was long before we were married and I'd just admitted to cheating on him on a drunken weekend with the girls (very ashamed) - so it was exceptional.
Would our GP be able to refer him? I don't think we can afford private counselling - have just had to shave 15k off our house sale (for no good reason) and having to cut mat leave short already :-(

OP posts:

Nulliferous · 19/07/2014 05:47

Refer him for what?

This isn't a medical matter - he has committed a serious crime.

If someone assaulted you in the street and left you cut and bruised would you call a doctor for him?

MarrogfromMars · 19/07/2014 05:50

If you don't feel able to call the police, which is what you should really do, then going to the GP yourself isn't a bad idea. Talk to them about what happened and put it on record.

flowerpothead · 19/07/2014 05:51

I'm not sure what calling the police would achieve? I'm not currently under threat - he's sleeping it off in the spare room.

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flowerpothead · 19/07/2014 05:51

I see your point about if it were a random person though ...

OP posts:

Nulliferous · 19/07/2014 05:54

He has committed an assault. The fact that he is currently fast asleep is irrelevant.

Call the police. You may, you may not - but no other advice is correct.

Please try to see this situation for what it is. Stop making excuses.

MarrogfromMars · 19/07/2014 05:59

To draw a line. The trouble with violent men is that they test out how far they can go, then take it a bit further... Also, you said you thought he could take it out on the children when they are older. If you separate then having the domestic violence on record could protect them from having to have unsupervised contact with them. (Although I think even having it on record with the GP could help )

flowerpothead · 19/07/2014 06:01

Am currently lying in bed BF my beautiful 8 week old DS crying into my pillow. Please be gentle with me. I can see that it is abusive but id rather try and fix it than just punish it. A criminal record would be a serious problem for us both as he is the main breadwinner and as I've said, I don't want to leave him. Thank you for your advice though. I wonder what his recollection will be.

OP posts:

flowerpothead · 19/07/2014 06:02

Thank you Marrog. I hadn't thought of that.

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MarrogfromMars · 19/07/2014 06:05

You don't want to leave the person you thought he is, but he isn't that person. He is the person who hurt you, made you cower in fear and made a joke about it. That is the real him. I'm sorry.

MarrogfromMars · 19/07/2014 06:09

And I know that on its own, having an 8 week old and a toddler and moving house would send most people off the stress scale - it's understandable you want to bury your head in the sand about what this violence means for your relationship.

flowerpothead · 19/07/2014 06:10

That is the worst part of his personality, yes. That is 10 minutes in 10 years though, I'm certainly willing to hope he could get on board with trying to manage it before chucking it all away.

OP posts:

creativevoid · 19/07/2014 06:25

Flowerpot I know I've already said this but please read the book I recommended. It will help you to put all your dh's behaviour in context. Bancroft also talks about whether and how abusive men can change and what steps you need to go through and signs you need to see to have a realistic view of whether change will happen in your relationship.

flowerpothead · 19/07/2014 06:36

Thank you. That does sound helpful. Is it long? I'm a bit time-poor with 2 little people at home plus house move going on.

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StillFrigginRexManningDay · 19/07/2014 06:43

flowerpot this is not just 10mins in 10 years. This is violence that will only escalate and become more frequent. You are already taking the blame by saying you cheated the first time.

He has left you bruised, cut and sore. Do you think you can ever look in his face and not see a person who hurts his wife? A person who could kill his wife?
You have two choices, either stay and live in fear of him kicking off, walking on eggshells adjusting yourself to suit his mood or leave and be free of the fear, reporting him to the police.

Zara8 · 19/07/2014 06:47

This won't be the last time he does this. Please don't condemn your children to having to grow up with domestic violence.

creativevoid · 19/07/2014 06:49

Flowerpot, you don't have to read the whole thing. For example I skipped the parts about sexual abuse and certain other things which weren't factors in my relationship. He also has 10 types of typical a users and I didn't have to read them all as mine (to my enormous surprise) was type 1! It is easy to read and if you start it you will soon get a sense whether you recognise what he is talking about and want to read on. I didn't think I would find myself or my husband in there - i read it after another "argument" when I finally told a friend what was happening (like you have here). She recommended the book to me and although it was a terrible shock to recognise the truth I am in a vastly better place now.

mrsspagbol · 19/07/2014 06:55

OP i just wanted to tell you that my DH was also at lord's yesterday and he came home a bit pissed. Tbf he is not a big drinker.
Anyway he came home, flopped on the couch, showed off about the amazing vip meal he had, champagne on tap etc - then we had dinner, he loaded the dishwasher.

I am not trying to show off to u or suggest that my marriage is better than yours.

I am just trying to tell you that there IS an alternative way.

You do not have to live like this.

He should not throw the bfeeding mother of his 8 week old against a fridge door 3 times.

If you had a daughter what would you tell her?

Please OP. This is NOT your fault. He did this. Listen to the other posters. Please.

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flowerpothead · 19/07/2014 07:10

Thank you. That sounds lovely :-)
So does no one believe there is potential for change, even if he seeks specialist help?

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Embolio · 19/07/2014 07:13

OP you know what he did is not in any stretch normal. I have 2 boys aged 2 & 1. Dh and I have had some mega rows due to stress and sleep deprivation - but neither of us has ever threatened or hit the other. You can't spend your life trying not to make him angry, trying not to let the kids make him angry, in case he flies off the handle. It's impossible.

He assaulted you. It wasn't your fault. I think you need to call the police. Do you have any one who can support you in real life? I keep thinking of you there crying, while he sleeps it off, the fucker. Sorry this has happened, stay strong.

Embolio · 19/07/2014 07:15

Cross posted - I think he would have to want to change, to recognise what he had done was wrong and go from there.

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