Am I being over sensitive?

[Animalgirl]

Have become intimate with a friend of mine recently. I last spoke to him a couple of weeks ago as he's been away, we had a very intimate text conversation the night before he went away and I've really been looking forward to seeing him when he got back.

He suggested to me before he went away that he'd see me the day he got back, but got back later than he thought so we didn't get the chance to meet up. We have limited opportunity to meet up due to his work commitments and when he sees his daughter. I haven't therefore seen him or spoken to him since he got back.

Anyway tonight I am outside when he's driving down my way (it's his route home) and I wave and he waves back and carries on driving. He doesn't stop to say hello and it's upset me. Am I being over sensitive, is he just being a man and not thinking or am I justified in being upset? I should point out that it's not a busy road, there was no other traffic and therefore no actual reason for him not to stop.

I see him fairly regularly driving by and sometimes he just waves, sometimes hoots and sometimes stops to chat. If I'd spoken to him a couple of days ago or something it wouldn't have bothered me him just waving but we haven't had any contact for a couple of weeks and I'd like to have just said hello, nice holiday etc.

I feel like texting "was hello too much effort" or "lose your manners while you were away" but I have resisted temptation. If I'm intimate with someone I don't think I'm being unfair in being pissed off with him. Any thoughts would be welcome.

[ilovelamp82]

I would give him the benefit of tge doubt for the next 24 hours. He may have been in a rush to get somewhere. I definitely wouldn't text him and would hope for a text sooner rather than later starting with "sorry I couldn't stop, but...:"

[Happy36]

Let it go and put thoughts of him on the back burner. Keep busy with other areas of your life, and other men if you want to. You don't owe this guy anything.

I wouldn't lose face by texting him.

If he contacts you, re-evaluate the situation and decide what you want to do then (if anything).

[winkywinkola]

I'm sorry but it doesn't look good.

If he'd been away I would expect him to prioritise his dd and then rush to see you. Not just drive past you. The early throes of a relationship should be full of passion and not getting enough of each other.

I don't think he's that into you.

I think you need to be friendly but distant with him from now on. If you are more then I reckon he will just take what he wants and bugger off, waving at you occasionally from his car.

Start daring again.

[winkywinkola]

Don't text him! You won't get any answers from him. His behaviour is the answer you need.

[Animalgirl]

I just wanted him to know that I thought he was rude not stopping I guess but I have no intention of actually telling him that. I don't expect him to text me about it neither as I don't think for a second that it would have occurred to him that I might have been offended. I suppose that's my point really I know it won't have occurred to him and I think he should have realised that it would be offensive.

Winky I think you are probably right it is very much on his terms and I'm finding it hard as I like him a lot and would like to see him more than he has time for. To be fair to him we did talk things through before we became more than friends and he did say that was all he could manage so I knew what I was letting myself in for. I just didn't expect to like him so much.

[winkywinkola]

Oh it's really hard when you like someone and it's not reciprocated in the same way. Very painful.

It will go on and be a lot more painful though if you don't step right away now.

He wouldn't really be that concerned if you told him you thought him rude for not stopping.

If you want a relationship, then you totally deserve to have a man who leaps out of his car, all joyous and delighted at the very sight of you. Not some lame wave. That's not good enough for you.

[Animalgirl]

It is hard, I'm head over heels though I wish like hell I wasn't! I've liked him for a year, though the funny thing is he's liked me a lot longer than that, but I had never thought of him in that way until last year.

Most of the time I'm quite happy, I feel like I'm walking on air sometimes. We get on really well and there's a great spark there. Just sometimes he does something like last night which upsets me. He's never been horrible to me or anything just thoughtless on occasions I suppose.

I know he likes me but whereas I am emotionally involved I am not sure if he is. I was hoping it would develop that way but not sure if it will. He does confuse me, he came back from a few days away a month ago and was straight round to see me and I thought it would be the same this time and that's why I am upset because I thought we'd grown closer in that time, but it didn't feel that way yesterday.

I know it's not good enough for me, but how do I get him out of my head? I've tried all the usual ways, being busy etc and nothing's worked.

I realise it will probably hurt more later on, but it would hurt like hell now and it's been quite a long road to get where we are and I think I would always wonder what might have been if I got out now.

Sometimes I would like to rewind to when we were just friends, but I lost my mum last year and he's been a hell of a distraction for me emotionally which I really needed as I would have been a total mess over the winter otherwise. I'm scared too that if I end it all the emotions of losing my mum will come flooding back too and I have been dealing with that by sticking my head in the sand.

[CanaryYellow]

You see this as a potential relationship. He sees this as a fuck buddy/FWB situation.

He's told you upfront that he doesn't have much time on his hands, blah, blah, blah, so if you complain now he will say "well I made it clear from the start".

Stop sleeping with him and stop exchanging intimate texts. He's treating you like a casual acquaintance but ramping it up a bit, throwing in the odd intimate text when he wants a shag.

The harsh truth is he sees you as not worthy of anything more than a wave as he flies past in his car, not even a text or call since he got back. He will be in touch when he wants to sleep with you again.

[Animalgirl]

Canary I think you are probably spot on, although I don't expect it to be a potential relationship I would like it develop that way.

He was very honest with me, he hasn't mislead me in any way. If the circumstances had been reversed there is no way I wouldn't have stopped to say even a quick hello to him if I'd been in a hurry and I was thrown when he didn't stop really.

Although we have ended up in bed the last few times we haven't actually shagged. We've talked about it and both want to so I was hoping that was going to happen sooner rather than later. He's very different to most men I've been involved with. It's all about pleasing me and it's just really good.

I don't have a problem with the no strings sex bit it's the making me feel like shit bit that I felt yesterday that I struggle with. He's a good friend of mine and I thought he would show me a bit more respect than he does sometimes.

[Nomama]

Or...

... he was in a rush, head full of stuff to get sorted, driving through rush hour traffic, saw someone wave and waved back... might be replaying that in his head any moment now....

But if you prefer to make yourself miserable for longer, yeah, he is a fuckwit fuckbuddy

Me? I'd drop the 'poor me, you snubbed me' feeling and go back to the fluffy bunny feeling until you have spoken to him again.

How you feel now won't change the outcome or his feelings, so why make yourself miserable in the meantime?

[Animalgirl]

Be nice to think that, but it wasn't rush hour, he wasn't driving fast and had plenty of time to see me, head was probably full of loads of stuff but even so hello shouldn't have been too difficult.

I know if I am going to continue seeing him that I have to accept that he is thoughtless sometimes. Most of the time I am on cloud nine, but when I fall off it seems to be quite a bump.

I haven't been involved with anyone new in over ten years and am not quite sure about the emotional roller coaster I feel on with him.

Thank you Nomama I had been happy until yesterday so will see how things are until we next speak.

I have to see him sooner rather than later as I owe him some money for something he got for me when I didn't have my purse on me and I said I'd give him the money when he got back. I will see how he is with me then but unsure if I should mention the lack of hello?

[Nomama]

Maybe not... might sound a bit, meh, needy.

Just meet him as though it didn't happen. If there is a next time, come back and we can help you work out how to bury him without getting caught

[Cabrinha]

I'm sorry, but you do need a cruel Fi be kind kick up the arse.
Two things:

1. If he was into you enough for a relationship, he'd know. If you want that and he doesn't, stop sleeping with him NOW - you are getting hurt.
   
2. Drop the passive aggressive texting nonsense! If you are hurt that he didn't stop, then say "hey - why didn't you stop?" and take it from there. You have far more chance of getting what you want in life if you are upfront about what that is that you do want!

[Animalgirl]

Nomama thanks I won't mention anything. If I need help burying him I will give you a shout, I am sure the rusty garden shears may have some use if he acts like a dick again!!!

Cabrinha I am not saying that he would have a proper relationship with me if he could, but he really doesn't have time for one. I knew this when we were just friends which is one of the reasons I tried, unsuccessfully, to stop myself falling for him. You make a good point in saying be straight about what you want. I will see how things go and if it doesn't make me happy then I need to do something about it. I wish it were that easy mind!

[Boomerwang]

Okay, you started out sounding quite normal then you ended up sounding like a bunny boiler. Put the rusty garden shears away. Stop pining after a man who clearly pushes the right buttons when he wants your body and sees you as a challenge since he hasn't had it yet. He doesn't treat you as though he really wants to be around you and you are becoming an victim of yourself. I believe the scales need to fall from your eyes because you sound deluded. I'm sorry for my undiplomatic approach.

[Boomerwang]

That should read 'a victim' and 'I don't have time for a relationship' is another way of saying 'I'll consider fucking you but that's as far as it goes'

[AppleAndMelon]

I'm not sure about him, but I'd be wary of using him to distract you from grieving, as if it doesn't work out then it will be doubly painful. Is there any way you can start to work things through - maybe with a counsellor even?

[Animalgirl]

The rusty garden shears was a joke which I thought was clear from the multiple exclamation marks! No problem with the undiplomatic approach otherwise. Wouldn't say I'm deluded, am fully aware that I like him more than he likes me.

[Animalgirl]

I wouldn't say I've deliberately used him as a distraction from grieving more that he got in my head and it gave me something to think about that was positive rather than horrific. I tend to cope better if other things in my life are going well so yes I am rather apprehensive about how I may feel if it all goes wrong.

The trouble with working things through is that you then have to deal with them and I don't feel ready to do that I am not too sure if I ever will be. I've already lost my dad, I'm an only child, don't have a proper partner or children, it's just me and that is frightfully hard. Yes I have good friends and extended family, but without having been in my situation they can't really understand how I feel.

[Tinks42]

OP don't go there! Listen to the others that say he doesn't see you that way now, his actions are showing you that loud and clear. No, you wouldn't just accept it as an FWB relationship, you're emotions would be invested and this will only lead to hurt. Its a bummer but it is what it is.

[winkywinkola]

You don't sound like a bunny boiler at all. Stupid thing to say.

[CanaryYellow]

Stop buying into the theory that he doesn't have time for a proper relationship.

If he found someone he wanted a relationship with, he would find or make the time.

At this point, for you, he can't even find two minutes to call, text or stop and chat to you as he's driving past, when he hasn't seen or spoken to you for... how long?

You're hanging in there, accepting the crumbs that he throws at you and making yourself more and more miserable in the meantime.

[Animalgirl]

Tinks the trouble is my emotions are already invested. I know I would be advising anyone else to not go there but when your emotions are involved it's really hard to listen to your sensible side. I would rather regret something I did than something I didn't even though I know in all likelihood I will get hurt. It's go further enough already that I would be hurt now if I ended it. I just wish I could turn my feelings off.

Thanks Winky I certainly hoped I'd not come across that way as I couldn't be further than that if I tried!

Canary he's a total workaholic, his daughter aside his business is his priority. He works impossibly stupid hours to the point where he doesn't have a social life, he probably goes out socially less than half a dozen times a year.

When something first happened between us I was, as we were friends, aware of that situation and knew that although he liked me he probably didn't have feelings for me and therefore wouldn't make the changes that he would need to do to spend more time with me. I hoped that as we got closer then he would develop feelings for me and would want to spend more time with me. That was a hope rather than an expectation I should add.

It's the bit that yes he hasn't bothered to have found two minutes to get in touch since he got back that I am finding difficult. It isn't too much to ask really is it? I saw him the evening before he went away, he got back Sunday evening.

I guess he is chucking me crumbs, but most of the time I am not miserable. I've just found this week hard.

[Isetan]

This man is a crutch and given the non-commitment terms of your relationship, a crappy and potentially damaging one at that. Now that you acknowledge the disparity between his and your expectations, this would be a sensible time to untangle yourself from this undefined FWB set up.

I hope that his behaviour and your reaction to it is a big wake up call. This "Distraction" is fast becoming its own little drama and since you're the biggest investor, you'll also be the biggest loser.

[areyoumymother]

I would get away from this at once if I were you. It will be messy, hurtful and you'll end up feelings like crap and losing a friend.