How to get over the horrible things your partner says to you

[tisrainingagain]

Yesterday h told me that I have been lazy for 20 years (actually been together for 18 years but you get the gist). I am supposed to be clearing the dcs' rooms (which are messy) to prove that I care, but can't find the energy to get past h's sulking and being called lazy.

Was trying to tell h that he or our relationship makes me feel anxious and depressed which is one of the reasons some things don't get done, but he wasn't having any of it.

So h has gone away until Friday evening, how do I stop ruminating over being called lazy etc... and get on with stuff I need to do.

[BertieBotts]

Ditch the fucker.

I was going to post something nicer but a huge wave of anger came over me reading your post

You are NOT lazy. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, least of all him.

Seriously, get this waste of space out of your life and start doing the things you want to do. Housework doesn't have to be a priority, life is too short. Or if it is important to you it can ve done on YOUR terms.

Grrrrrrr. Sorry for ranting. My ex said exactly those things to me and it doesn't go away. You can't get over it. It is embedded in my psyche that I am lazy, weird and useless, which I know are his words! Crazy, I left four and a half years ago. Please please get away before he erodes and destroys any more of your self belief.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I tend to 'get over it' a lot faster after I've told the person insulting me to piss off... Why on earth do you stay in a relationship with someone who dislikes you and makes you feel anxious and depressed?

[CalamityClara]

I'd get over it by dumping him, seriously. You are in an unhealthy relationship that's making you ill. You need to get out.

[jessplussomeonenew]

And he hasn't cleaned them himself because.... ?

[SnazzyHotFlush]

A nice partner pitches in and helps. Is this normal treatment of you from him?

Have a look at the Freedom programme and see if any of that rings true. It might bring some clarity to the situation.

[HellonHeels]

I've never got over some of the things said to me in course of a long relationship. They were abusive. I just took it for years, mostly thought it was really my fault and I was doing something wrong.

Finally had a lightbulb moment that I didn't have to take it, it wasn't all my fault and the stuff said generally wasn't true. I left.

[AMumInScotland]

To 'prove that you care' about what exactly?

That you care about him? How would it do that?

That you care about the children? They have more important needs than a lack of 'mess'.

That you care about housework? Why should you? It's always there, specially with children.

That you care about being insulted? Why should you have to be the one to change your behaviour when he's the one being nasty?

You've told him his behaviour is a problem. He's insulted you, told you to get on with the houseowkr like a good little 50s houswife, and buggered off to make you feel as bad as possible, and avoid you actually having a conversation about his behaviour.

Lovely.

Why are you married to him, exactly?
I don't have to 'get over' horrible things from my partner. I would give him the chance to get over me by throwing him out of the house.

[Phalenopsis]

Op I remember you previous threads. Your husband is horrid: verbally and financially abusive. He won't even put you on the deeds to the house. .

Please see a solicitor and give women's Aid a ring. You don't have to live like this.

[picnicbasketcase]

Please don't try to prove him wrong in order to get some respect from this person. He won't give you any, regardless of what you do.

You don't need to get over his nasty comments, you need to get away from them altogether.

[WaitingForMe]

I got a divorce. Worked well.

[AnyFucker]

Bin him of course.

[GoatsDoRoam]

Agree with all the others. Put-downs are unacceptable in a relationship, he doesn't want to change his behaviour, so your only remaining option is to take yourself out of this relationship.

[AnyFucker]

Just advance searched you

Christ, that is depressing reading.

OP, please stop asking the same questions over and over and hoping for a different response

Your H is a piece of shit and you would be better off without him.

[ICanHearYou]

fuck him off and I guarantee you that all those little things become lots easier to do.

[OneDreamOnly]

By re evaluating your relationship and by wondering if you respect yourself enough not to accept the man (who is supposed to love you) to treat you like this.

Then and only then you might want to think about 'not being lazy' but I suspect this is one of those scenarios where you do all the work and he does none but somehow you are turbine bring lazy....

(And if the 'laziness' also called tiredness/fatigue/exhaustion by most people was actually linked to depression and anxiety which can be the case, then really your h should have wanted to help you and do the tidying up himself instead)

[Joysmum]

I don't 'get over it'. I expect to be treated with respect and I will not accept being treated any other way.

[FolkGirl]

OP, you need to dump him. Seriously.

My exH tried getting me to complete a time and motion sheet to evidence how hard I was working during the day.

Yes, he was Local Authority middle management. No I didn't do it.

[Damnautocorrect]

I had a relationship like this. I look back now and think why was he so precious not to tidy up or scrub the loo.
Honestly he's abusive and won't change, I'm sure your not lazy (I know I wasn't but it still resonates with me).

How do you want your kids to think of you?

[aylesburyduck]

I'd be tempted to tell him not to bother coming back on Friday. He sounds awful.

I have heard the same from an ex, getting rid was the best thing I ever did.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

I am not the best housekeeper. My dh says he understands that I am an artistic type and that the state of the housekeeping is not a priority. Some of that is a wee bit condescending, zing, but on the whole true. He cleans the three full baths every other weekend, trash out/dump runs, and will do a load of laundry (his knickers if his drawer is empty) without berating me.

He is a workaholic, common 12 hr days. I am a sham.

Three children. Clean and well ordered lasts about half an hour. It is just an exercise in futility. However, I keep the kitchen in sanitary condition, and the floors hoovered-so some tidying happens there.

What motivates me at times-no schedule mind- is the feeling of accumulated stress in direct proportion to the accumulated clutter. Then I do a blitz and fell better.

Why not ask your dc if they want to redecorate their rooms? Painting, etc is a job, but it will hit Mr Pristine in the wallet.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

I did not answer your question about the cutting comments. This is not good, as previous posters have said. Have you asked him to stop putting you down so much? My husband was raised by a very chauvinistic father and I find I need to reset the boundary on that behavior from time to time (talking intervals of years...married 24 yrs).

If he does not offer a respectful response...the only one being a stoppage of the behavior...

Then your options come down to how you will respond. If he won't change then you change your strategy. The ultimate solution is to, well as previously said, end the relationship (he is undermining you which is unhealthy for your mental health...It may be that it is mentally unhealthy for you to be around him.) The grey area short of breaking up could be the development of a skill to just not listen to him. "Talk to the hand" ('cause no other part of me will be listening!) Or "Pound sand".

These are just a couple of suggestions. I also agree that if it is that important, he can pitch in. If he does, then there is some evidence that you are a team. If not, then not so much a team.

[BertieBotts]

The damage is like smoking. You can repair yourself over time up to an extent but after years and years of this, the damage is done. You can't just get over it, it's not that simple. There is a part which is so hurt it is not ever going to get any better. But what you can do is stop this, end it and the damage stops getting worse, immediately and for ever, as long as you don't start again. And the relief once you get through the withdrawal is immediate. You feel brighter, you can breathe easier. You're not constantly stressed. Your soul is free to heal, and it will, a little. Over time a lot. But you don't have forever to wait around and decide, and you can't heal while you are still with him. If only there was a nicotine patch for abusive arses!

[mindyourown1]

your job is not to get over his abuse - but you do have a right to stop him by leaving him. Why do you think you deserve so little?

[FantasticButtocks]

How to get over the horrible things your partner says to you Don't stay in a relationship where this occurs. Why on earth would you?