boyfriend anoys me

[tanya1010]

We have recently come through a rough period in our relationship. My boyfriend works away a lot. I stay at home combining my work with looking after our 3 teenage kids, all my boyfriends from his previous relationship. When he is at home sometimes it is as if myself and the kids hardly exist. His whole life revolves around his work. A while ago i gave him an ultimatum, that if he didnt spend more time at home with me and HIS kids i was leaving him. I foolishly acused him of having affairs when he was working away, and that was why he wasnt interested in me anymore. I know i was wrong to say that , as i had no proof and it was heat of the moment. He denied that and promised he still loved me. He said he would spend more time at home with us and change
He said he would prove he loved us and make it up to us all.
Now when he works away he brings us all little gifts back. I now frequently get flowers sent. However my gifts although sometimes nice things too, always includes new underwear. Some is really nice and pretty, but other times it is quite tacky. He always asks if i am wearing it when he phones. But the thing that really annoys me is the first thing he ever does when he gets home is give me a kiss, then lift my top and my skirt up, or undo my jeans to see if i am wearing my new underwear. He then takes me straight to bed if i am wearing it. Yes, the sex is great, better than ever before. But he is just now trying too hard to make it up to me, and i know what the ritual is as soon as he gets home. I know i should be flattered and enjoy this, which part of me does. But another part of me is getting pissed off with it ! Sometimes he even does it when the kids are around, which i find embarassing. I have told him how i feel, but he says it proves how much he loves me and misses me. Am i being unfair ?

[Seriouslyffs]

No you're not being unfair. He doesn't really listen to you does he? What's the age difference? Where's the boys' mother? Do you want children yourself? What are you getting out of the relationship?

[heyday]

If a bloke tried to lift my top or skirt up he was get a smack in the face. You allow him to continue to do this then lead you to bed. You say it's great sex but now it's getting a bit annoying.
There is such a word as NO and until you start saying it and meaning it then things will never change.
He is off all over the place whilst you stay at home looking after his kids.
Sounds like you are a bit of a dogsbody.
It's time to be more assertive, stop allowing him to degrade you physically and start to get a life of your own. Make sure you start going out, leaving him to babysit and let him see that you are not going to be walked over forever.

[Lweji]

It actually sounds controlling to me and I'm not surprised you find it annoying.
It's not good that he does it when the kids are around and that he doesn't respect your wishes.

Is he any better at spending time with the family?

[tanya1010]

He split up with the kids mother about 8 years ago when she had an affair and went to live with someone else and left him with the kids. He is 5 years older than me. I do love him and he has changed since i gave him the ultimatum shock. But it is just now annoying me with his obsession with buying me new underwear and insisting that i always wear it for him ! I do appreciate it as he is at last showing that he does care for me more now, but it is his obsession of checking my underwear as soon as he walks through the door and then wanting sex straight away that is pissing me off ! Sometimes i wish he would just wait till we go to bed. Have an early night etc. Often i will be preparing or cooking our dinner when he just comes up behind me, gives me a kiss and cuddle and then opens my blouse or lifts my top and skirt up as i have not long got home from work myself. I have told him to be carefull as the kids are sometimes in the house or due home from school anytime. He wants sex there and then. The kids are all mid to late teens. 2 girls and 1boy. I get a bit embarassed because when we go upstairs or if he is kissing me and touching me in the kitchen, lounge , wherever, it is obvious what is going on to them !

[tanya1010]

Forgot to say, i have known my boyfriend for about 15 years. He was one of my bosses at work. We always got on well and he always used to pay me compliments and a lot of attention. Nothing ever happened as i knew he was happily married. When his wife had the affair and walked out on him i was a shoulder for him to cry on. Eventually things progressed from there. He introduced me to his kids and we got on well. I adore the kids and they do me too. I knew his wife sort of. She was a highflying buisness woman. A bit arrogant and above herself we in the office all used to think and we thought she treated him very bad by walking out on him and her children. But that was how she seemed to be. Very cold and selfish

[MostWicked]

but it is his obsession of checking my underwear as soon as he walks through the door and then wanting sex straight away that is pissing me off ! Sometimes i wish he would just wait till we go to bed.

Then tell him!
He is clearly trying his best, and he is getting it a bit wrong. Tell him the things that you appreciate and the things that are a bit too much.

[Vivacia]

Then tell him!

This.

[WildBillfemale]

but it is his obsession of checking my underwear as soon as he walks through the door and then wanting sex straight away that is pissing me off ! Sometimes i wish he would just wait till we go to bed

Then tell him!
He is clearly trying his best, and he is getting it a bit wrong. Tell him the things that you appreciate and the things that are a bit too much.

Yes TELL HIM
It's not rocket science.....

[Lweji]

It reads to me as he's punishing you for the ultimatum really.
He's pushing you for you to tell him it was better before. Because, you see, this is what you wanted and he's making a big effort, poor man. So, you are unreasonable, you see?

While always treating you like an object. One that takes care of the children and the other a sex object.

Are you working?

[Lweji]

I agree you should tell him and it would be like "WTF are you playing at?"

[Egghead68]

So you are there to look after his kids single-handedly and provide sex on demand. Lovely.

What on earth do you get out of all this?

[Roussette]

If someone behaved like that with me, they would be out the door. Feck off with the underwear wearing as he walks in the door, and wear it when you want to. He should come in the door and want to find out how you are, what you've been up to, how his kids are and it should be a two way conversation with you both catching up with your news, over a family supper or whatever.

If later on, it's sex and bonding... fine... but like this you are equivalent of a sex toy or a piece of meat.

Do you do everything he insists upon? He sounds like a right piece.

[SallyannFanackapan]

Besides TELLING HIM which has to happen, as a back up just don't' put the stuff on ? Tell him it's special & you will wear it when you BOTH feel like it, not just him!!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Oh dear. Your purpose in his life what my misogynistic old bastard of a boss defined as 'W.I.F.E'.... Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc. Chuck in 'live in au pair' and it's about right. I don't see anything approaching respect here, let alone love.

[kaykayblue]

So he's stopped treating you like a house keeper and is now treating you like a prostitute?

Great.

[tanya1010]

Thanks everyone. Advice was really helpful. Guess deep down i knew it but was blind to it. Just needed it confirming i guess.
We have now had many long hours talking. I have explained my feelings and he has promised me that it will stop. He said he was just trying to express his feelings for me and show how much he loved me, but he got it wrong. Up to now things have been much better since we talked. Again thanks everyone

[tallwivglasses]

Ok. Give til Christmas. See how you feel then. I'm a great believer in secret deadlines. Good luck OP x

[NewtRipley]

Hmm

I think others are being a bit kind to him

[Minime85]

Sorry but the fact he is doing a lot of this in the first place and add to that when his kids are around is wrong.

[vicmackie]

He sounds revolting. You are allowed to leave, you know.

[tanya1010]

Kids have very little contact with there natural mum as she now lives abroad. He still works away quite a lot. However i now dont get the underwear presents, or the daily inspection to see if i am wearing them as soon as he returns. He is also now more discreet what he says or does to me in front of the kids.
I do love him dearly, but it was just some of the things he does that annoy me.
I dont have kids of my own and cant have any (long story). However i adore his kids and they do me. To them i am their mum and treat me as such. I also look upon them as my own kids and adore them.
I dont want to leave them, but as said it is worth seeing if the new improvements are still working by christmas time. I honestly think they will. I think we both just needed a shake up, to say a few things and understand each others feelings a bit better that was all

[holeinmyheart]

I disagree with a lot of the responses. You say you love this man and his DC and you told him that he wasn't spending enough time with you and his DC, so he then tried to change his behaviour. He then brought you presents, flowers and underwear but he annoyed you by trying to see that you had them on. He showered you with affection and showed you how sexually desirable you were to him. When it got too much you had long chats and he altered his behaviour again. He is a man, and thinks like a man. They are just different from women. They think differently. They benefit from specific instructions, they are known for not being intuitive. They cannot mind read. Apart from the constant inspections of your underwear I think your DP made heroic efforts to try and suss out what you wanted. Other than the irritating underwear inspections ( poor thing explained to you why he was doing it, he thought he was showing you how much he loved you) I think he is a star. A male star! Are you sure the problems that you see in your marriage are all about him? You sound lovely and to take on someone else's children, I think is amazing. But do you get easily irritated and annoyed? A marriage is a partnership and whatever one person does it affects the other. Are you wholly happy with him now, anyway. It is hard work looking after 3 children. Perhaps before you began you didn't realise what it entailed. ( no one does) and maybe unconsciously you are looking for a way out? I am so sorry that you can't have Dc of your own by the way. Xx

[shesadancer]

holeinmyheart - a male star ! WTF