Relationship Decision Advice Please!

[zukkermaus]

Hi there, I'm new around these parts. Hey everyone!

I'm male, and wanted some advice / perspective on a relationship decision from a female perspective. Here goes.

I've not been the best husband in the world to my wife of 7 years, however I know where my problems lie after making loads of mistakes and I'm getting help to sort them out. I love my wife deeply. In all our time together I've never even considered looking at another woman.

We have a 5 year old child together.

I got the shock of my life recently when I found out my wife has been spending time with another man. She's been texting him etc, has been deleting his messages as soon as she gets them and deleting her replies as soon as they send. She hasn't had his number stored in her phone, having memorised it. This from a woman who can barely get mine right!

She knew this guy years ago and they liked each other then, but nothing ever came of it. Recently they bumped into each other in the street apparently by chance, went for coffee and it all went from there.

She's been going back to his flat to "hang out", they've gone out for arm-in-arm walks and drinks and stuff. She swears they are just friends although she admits that they shared a kiss. She swears it was all emotional, nothing physical, and was mostly in her head. She's been lying about going to a female friend's house to spend time with him. It's been going on about a year.

When I found out about it and challenged her, she swore she'd give him up but kept in touch until a few days ago when - according to her - she gave him up for good.

She says she admitted feelings for him and he for her however in their final phone call - unwitnessed by me - they agreed to not have any contact again.

She refuses to allow me access to her emails, phone or social media accounts. She doesn't accept she's done anything wrong.

After being livid for days, I've calmed down, forgiven her and am no longer pressing for info about it or access to her contact stuff.

I love my wife and am extremely hurt by her actions, however just as she's forgiven my faults I want to forgive hers however I doubt if I'll be forgetting anytime soon.

My questions are:

Am I over-reacting being mad about this?
Did she actually do anything wrong?
Am I letting her off the hook too quickly and easily if she DID do anything wrong?

Honest female perspectives appreciated please!

Thanks for reading.

[littlegreenlight1]

No I dont think you are overreacting.
Yes I think the secrets and the kiss are wrong.
Thats your call.
You dont say what your faults are/were, and not that it should be an eye for an eye etc, but its hard to say.

Many many many many years ago when I was married, I hooked up with an old boyfriend and would swear blind it was just friends. It was to start with, but eventually it wasnt. It ended my marriage because I couldnt get my head straight.

[foadmn]

erm... if you were a woman we'd be saying don't trust her she's done more than she says.

I hope that's not the case.

How sorry is she? that seemed to be a key point on the 'husband has bra bits in his luggage' thread.

[zukkermaus]

My faults were mainly financial. I had a lousy example in a horrible unbringing which led to a potentially destructive relationship with money. I'm having therapy and it's working. I'm not proud of it but if knowing a bit about my character flaws helps anyone advise, what the hell.

She says she's sorry but when I asked her to promise not to do it again she said "I'll try not to".

[zukkermaus]

No more takers?

Is it cos I is bloke?

[Rewy]

No you are not over reacting
She has betrayed your trust (and hope for your sake not sexually )
She went to lengths to conceal her deceit
You must feel very hurt

[ladyblablah]

She has had an affair.

Can you really just forgive this in a few days?

I think you have to be honest with yourself, however much the truth might not be what you want it to be.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I would bet my mortgage that she's done more than kiss him.

And the fact that she thinks she's done nothing wrong....

No you're not over reacting.

[Hissy]

Genuinely you are under-reacting

[AnyFucker]

Is it cos I is bloke?

Would you like it be because you is a bloke ?

[CharlotteCollins]

You are not over-reacting. It is a betrayal of trust.

You should probably ask for some space for a while. It may be the only way to see how sorry she is and how definitely the affair (emotional or otherwise) is over.

[kentishgirl]

Google emotional affairs.

At face value, this is what your wife has done. It's just as hurtful and damaging as a physical affair (although kissing alone and arm in arm walks has taken your wife's version into physical as welll).

I'm very sorry for you. I don't think you are reacting anywhere near strongly enough, especially as she is denying doing anything wrong.

There will be a reason she 'needed' this affair - a reason is not an excuse for it though.

You both need to think about the future or otherwise of your marriage.

The sheer minimising and denial on your wife's part would have me in a fury and thinking hard about whether I wanted to continue in this marriage.

That's if you take her story at face value. It sounds unlikely to me that nothing else physical happened.

[dollius]

I would find it hard to believe that an emotional affair during which they had spent lots of time alone together, which has gone on for a whole year, has not developed into a physical affair.

This doesn't mean you can't come back from this, but you have to accept that it was probably physical before you decide what you want to do.

You absolutely cannot move on from this until she gives you answers to ALL your questions, allows you full access to all her emails/text messages/twitter messages etc and she absolutely agrees never to have any more contact with this man again.

Sadly, from what you write, it doesn't sound like she is prepared to do any of this which rather suggests she wants to try to have her cake and eat it too. Probably waiting for you to calm down before picking back up where she left off with the OM.

Sorry. I hope I am wrong.

[canweseethebunnies]

So your misdemeanors were financial and probably involved some level of deceit and betrayal, but you've admitted your faults and are getting help.

She has had, and possibly is still having, an affair. It's highly unlikely that it's not sexual. She is not very sorry and hasn't even promised she won't do it again. It also doesn't sound like she is addressing any problems that may have lead up to it.

Doesn't sound great does it?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm very sorry that you've experienced this and that your wife is having an affair. Of course she told you that it's all over but her actions and the secrecy continues. The big problem you have is that she doesn't appear to want to be forgiven. She hasn't expressed remorse and done anything to regain your trust. It sounds as though you are blaming yourself and want to keep the family together in a very one-sided way. That's never going to work long-term and you'll just end up feeling very resentful and your self-confidence will plummet even further than it already is.

I'd suggest that you tell your wife to leave for a while so that you have chance to properly think things through, take some legal advice and work out what you want to happen next. No-one's taking this seriously, the affair is still going on and she's taking you for a fool

[rissoimni]

I don't know what kind of relationship you guys have, if it's loving and fulfilled or not. But first off, it's disturbing that she doesn't accept there's anything wrong. The very fact she's covering her tracks means she knows she shouldn't be doing this.

I think you've reacted appropriately, to be honest. Unlike others here, I wouldn't assume she's done any more than she has told you, until proven otherwise. If she expects you to trust her and make the situation better, she at least needs to acknowledge that she has a romantic, emotional attachment to another man, and it doesn't need to involve sex for it to be wrong. If it is unacceptable to you - her husband, then that should be the only clarification she needs that it's wrong.

Someone suggested a break, going on only your side of the story, obviously, she might see that as an opportunity to take things further with this guy. I would stay and work at it and tell her to grow some balls and make a choice. If she wants to keep/take the relationship further with this guy, then she needs to tell you that. If she wants you, she needs to cut him off and regain your trust!

Could this be that 7 year itch? I think it's possible she might feel some excitement and lust that she hasn't felt in a while, and is clinging on to that. I'd suggest speaking to her about that. If she can't give you honesty at the very least, I don't know what else you can do.

[inneedofguidance]

Sounds like there is a lot of it going on! Sorry to hear.

[neiljames77]

Sounds like she wants the relationship to end but doesn't want to be the one that ends it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

", she might see that as an opportunity to take things further with this guy. "

How much further is she going to take it? She's already with the OM and doesn't see it as a problem so how much worse can it get? In these situations, the only thing to be salvaged is self-respect, and that means not leaving the decision of 'me or him' to the cheat.

OP I'm encouraging you to decide your own fate rather than delegating it to someone who doesn't care

[LumieresForMe]

I am going to say the same thing than for a woman.

• this is at least an emotional affair
  
• are you really sure after a whole year, it hasn't become a 'proper' affair?
  
• she isn't ready to move on or is showing any remorse
  
• why aren't you still angry? How can you forgive so easily?
  
• how was you relationship before the emotional affair started? Had she already disconnected? If things were really bad before, she might just try and find gonfirt somewhere else or find an escape route from a relationships she doesn't want. Or she is trying to have it all. The family with the financial security et and HHS nice bloke on the side.
  
• fantastic that you have decided to turn your life around and are now tackling your own issues. It would be great if everyone was doing the same :). But do you think it just she had really forgiven you? How much did she get hurt in the process (not that it means she was then entitled to it at all! More a question of whether she is still sctusllyninvvrd in the relationship. From the outside she isn't.)

[rissoimni]

She could take it a lot further. It could get a lot worse. Surely it would be stupid not to look at the underlying cause, it could well be a moment of stupidness that went to far. I'm not justifying her actions, but without hearing the other side of the story, there's a chance she still loves her husband and they can work it out.

How can you tell OP she doesn't care? You have no way of knowing that!

It might be really useful for someone to post here who has been the person tempted by another man/woman and what motivation there might be.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well all cheater minimise and I too would bet good money that it's a full blown affair and not just a kiss.

You are NOT overreacting. You are seriously under-reacting.

She will TRY not to do it again!? Oh well, good on her!
Seriously, where is your pride and self-esteem?
On floor from the looks of it.

She is doing nothing at all to help you gain her trust back.
Full disclosure and full access to all communications is the way forward but she is refusing.
She's doing nothing to make this better.

Time for her to step out of the house and relationship and see what life would be like without you.
Time for you to really consider what you are forgiving because you certainly won't forget. You won't trust her at all. And I don't blame you.

I tried to forgive after my ex had an affair. But after about a day, I just knew I couldn't get passed it and had to end things.

Don't let her take you for a fool.
Stand up for yourself. Get yourself and spine and don't put up with this.
The word DOORMAT springs to mind here.

Sorry to be so blunt and sorry you are going through this.

[hellsbellsmelons]

How can you tell OP she doesn't care? You have no way of knowing that!

Blimey, it's completely obvious.
She's been having a year long affair.
She lied, deceived and cheated on her Husband for a year.
She won't make things better by giving full access to her communication network.
She won't even give him up - she will TRY!!!

That does not sound like a remorseful, caring person trying everything possible to get her marriage back on track.
Sounds to me like she's given up TBH!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"How can you tell OP she doesn't care? You have no way of knowing that!"

If you care about someone you don't screw around behind their back. If you care about someone you show remorse and try to make amends... not lie about dropping contact and then carry on with the same secrecy. It doesn't matter about 'underlying causes' or 'motivations'. The OP could be the worst husband in the world. The caring thing to do would be to end the marriage rather than head down a path of deception and pain.

[LumieresForMe]

Well I have a good friend who had an affair. The reason was simple. Her DH was an abusive sod who was quite happy to hit her.
The guy she met gave her the strengthen and the self confidence that she was indeed worth much more than what he was telling her.
But the outcome of it's that she left (and NOT for the OM).
She didn't spend a year having an affair, emotional or not. She didn't try to stop seeing him. And most importantly she didn't pay lip service to her marriage.