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Murdered by my boyfriend -BBC3

(110 Posts)
Heartofgoldheadofcabbage Mon 23-Jun-14 22:11:35

If ever a programme should be recommended viewing it should be this. I have just finished watching the above and thank the stars I (eventually) escaped my bad situation.
Anyone else watch this?

heyday Mon 23-Jun-14 23:01:15

I will watch it on catch up at some stage this week. My DD, was caught up in this whole DV nightmare and it was especially tough when she got pregnant by him at 16. Thankfully, once he put a knife to her throat she finally realised that her baby son and her deserved better. Although many of her assaults by him were reported to police she would always drop it before he was prosecuted and therefore he always got off with a caution. Finally the police went ahead with a prosecution after the umpteenth assault even without her say so. This gave her the strength to get a restraining
order and get the wretched lump of trash out of her life. Sadly many women are not lucky enough or able to rid themselves of these vile men. It is essential that we teach girls to have self belief and confidence so they cannot be so easily predates on by these men who quite often strip them of every ounce if self worth.

heyday Tue 24-Jun-14 00:46:08

I have just watched this on iplayer. I can barely breath as it was so overwhelming and powerful. Acting was incredible. I could weep with sorrow for all the women and children who are caught up in this horror.

SoleSource Tue 24-Jun-14 01:35:57

I'm so thankful that this would never happen to me more than once, as it did in my past. Once then I'm off and got ex convicted in court of DV. Twelve years I was with him before he beat me. Feel so sorry for that child.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling Tue 24-Jun-14 02:01:22

Yes I watched it. Heartbreaking. And infuriating. And terrifying. They need to show that in schools.

My best friend left an abusive H and i knew a bit but not all of what happened (i met her after she left). Watching that show had me in tears for her and her dcs.

It showed, very well, I thought, just why it's not just as easy as 'leaving' as so many suggest an abused woman should do. The fear. He had total control. Whether with her or not.

other0ne Tue 24-Jun-14 02:26:30

All the things that everyone else has said.

The bit that really threw me back into the past was when he is beating her, and pleading that she moves her hands away (from her face I presume) then stamps on her head, I remember my x doing that to me, whilst making pathetic little out of breath crying noises until he wore himself out using me as a punching bag. I would curl up into a ball in an attempt to protect my head. Arsehole. I still have nightmares about it.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling Tue 24-Jun-14 02:28:31

thanks other0ne

other0ne Tue 24-Jun-14 02:47:17

Thank you STOP. The thanks made me a bit teary! Have been a bit choked up after that programme, the way he comforted his daughter mid-beating, then stoically went back to beating his partner to death...

STOPwiththehahaheheloling Tue 24-Jun-14 02:54:43

It was a jarring moment really wasnt it. Protect his daughter, but ashley wasnt a loved one. She was an object to serve his purpose (punch bag- physical and emotional) a possession- not a human.

angry

technick69 Tue 24-Jun-14 06:21:56

I didn't but can I C it on BBC i-player?

Heartofgoldheadofcabbage Tue 24-Jun-14 07:53:43

thanks to all those who have suffered and survived a situation like this...and for those that haven't yet...or didn't.

Watching this last night really shook me up and I walked away from my situation 17 years ago! I was pleading with the girl "don't go back...walk away" actually knowing the outcome made me feel even more desparate for her.

It should be available on IPlayer...according to my guide there are other showings on BBC3.

YellowStripe Tue 24-Jun-14 08:09:31

OtherOne - I hope you can heal inside from that awful trauma.

My DD had her head stamped on too, because the c*nt was "hearing voices" - the sight of her lying in hospital with tread marks on her face and body, jaw askew was horrendous. Even worse when she went back "to help him" the next day.
I hope she watched that programme and realises what an awful place she was in, and what a lucky escape she had.

Lweji Tue 24-Jun-14 08:12:45

I don't think I'll be able to watch it (different country), but this is one reason I left exH so early when DV started. And why I actually left the same day he threatened his life along with mine and DS's.

I suppose it's different when it's directed at ourselves than when we perceive our children to be in danger. I still didn't call the police the first time (no beating) and I let him come back in the house after the second time (when I had called the police).

But it's because of news like these that I haven't allowed unsupervised contact either.
Unfortunately, these men only understand "force" i.e. being firm with boundaries and safety. No amount of good will will have an effect because they perceive it as weakness and a licence for them to do as they please.

SqutterNutBaush Tue 24-Jun-14 10:13:04

Ive just watched this on catch up and came to see if anyone else watched it, i found it literally breath-taking to watch.

I dont have any experience of DV and im ashamed to say i often wondered why women stayed in these situations when it would be easy to get up and start a new life but this has shown me how wrong my perception was.

Rhys was terrifyingly charming when he wanted to manipulate Ashley and watching the attacks were horrific. The main part that struck a cord with me was how clearly unhappy Ashley was and there seemed to be dwindling support as the relationship progressed when se spoke of

SqutterNutBaush Tue 24-Jun-14 10:20:40

Sorry posted too soon.

When she spoke of being unable to rely on others all the time and being so exhausted she would go back knowing what the outcome would be was heart breaking. It made me realise how desperate the situation can become without anypne really noticing.

I actually sobbed when he left Ashley beaten amd crying out for help tp comfort his daughter sho was screaming for her only to return to complete his pathetic show of dominance.

I had hoped the daughter being there was for dramatic purposes but even if it was there are still hundreds of children out there witnessing DV at home.

Stressing Tue 24-Jun-14 11:37:58

I hate to tell you that in the true story is actually much worse - the daughter was in the room during the attack and was heard by neighbours crying out for her throughout. She was allegedly sat next to the body for two hours. So sickening. My heart goes out to anyone experiencing or have experienced DV. We should be focusing on our young men and sons to change attitudes and address the underlying causes, as well as telling women what they need know in order to 'protect themselves'. I feel the former is overlooked in favour of putting the onus on the victims themselves. It must be just about impossible for a young, innocent mind to grasp and comprehend the twisted and dark forces that are going inside the minds of their abusers, yet alone make a rational judgement on the severity of the abuse, predict the future and then have the courage to act on it even when it means taking off to god knows where with their children in the night. It's too much to expect I think which is why society should ease off making women responsible for staying in these relationships and accepting thuggery and violence towards women as one of life's unavoidable evils. We need to target boys and men with the campaigns and the workshops from school age, to root out and put a stop to the sexism and misogyny. It's the men who are the ones who have the control in their hands to stop the vast majority of DV cases after all.

SqutterNutBaush Tue 24-Jun-14 13:02:01

That poor little girl sad

Completely agree that the root cause needs to be dealt with rather than the aftermath but i guess its harder to target a potential abuser than a DV survivor in the situation here and now.

I didnt mean to cause any offence regarding my thoughts about women staying, i am completely ignorant of the situation other than what ive seen on TV but this made it so clear how wrong id been.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling Tue 24-Jun-14 13:14:00

* i am completely ignorant of the situation other than what ive seen on TV but this made it so clear how wrong id been.*

This is the message i got too- you could just feel her fear- even when she did make him leave, she was a prisoner in her own house. He still had absolute control. You can see why so many women protect themselves by choosing the lesser of two evils i.e: stay and try to 'manage' his temper bu placating him and acting how he wants as opposed to angering him by leaving and risking being found at any time by an furious abuser. I think there is evidence that an abused woman is most at risk during the time she tries to leave her abuser.

Ludways Tue 24-Jun-14 13:21:04

I left a dv relationship 16 years ago after 6 years together, thankfully no children (iykwim). I'm not sure I'll be able to watch this programme, too many repressed emotions.

I think I live happily now with no repercussions of that former life, watching it will bring too much out and I'll be forced to deal with it. I know I'm doing it but I'm not able to face it head on.

Thumbwitch Tue 24-Jun-14 13:22:42

I feel like I ought to watch it but am scared it will give me nightmares - this is very pathetic for a woman in her 40s, I realise, but these things do take hold of my brain and it bothers me. Do you think nightmares might ensue?

GoshAnneGorilla Tue 24-Jun-14 13:25:23

The person this is based on has been widely named on twitter.

A Google brings up the IPCC report relating to her case. The indifference of the police officers involved is breathtaking.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling Tue 24-Jun-14 13:26:47

I dont think that's pathetic at all thumbwitch. You dont need to watch it, it is very difficult to watch so no-one would blame you for not doing it. Take care of yourself however you need to.

Thumbwitch Tue 24-Jun-14 13:31:48

Thanks STOP. I've got it on now, just started, might have to skip bits though blush

hellymelly Tue 24-Jun-14 13:36:38

I have found this thread very chilling and upsetting. I didn't see the programme, not sure i could bear to actually, as it might trigger nightmares that I still get even though it is over twenty years since I got away from my very violent first ever boyfriend who came within a hair's breath of strangling me to death.
I did once see the question "why don't women leave violent abusive men? " flipped on its head to "why won't violent abusive men let women leave?" that is what we should ask. There is still a tendancy to blame victims of violence from a partner, in a way that we would never blame victims of other crimes. I got help (to get away from him) from friends in the end thank God, or I might not be typing this now.
I do now have a finely tuned radar for suppressed aggression or manipulation, and I avoid anyone who gives me that feeling.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling Tue 24-Jun-14 14:01:26

why won't violent abusive men let women leave?" that is what we should ask.

This exactly!

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