Confused but finally calm after 2 years!

[Sheraton36]

Wondered if anyone could give me some perspective on next steps in my relationship with DH ?

Had a really bumpy 2 years following major emotional infidelity with our best friends wife which built up over a number of years (15 in total) culminating in me finding out ,and being consistently lied to over the level of contact between them.
To this day (due to my on-going trust issues & her leaving her husband) I still don't really know what is going on in his head, or if they consummated anything physically, as he is loving but detached, and our physical relationship has never recovered fully. We have both had relate counselling & when asked what is wrong (both by me & the counsellor) all I get is a 'I don't know' ....

We have 2 teenage kids and all is fine as far as day-to day getting on , but I'm still emotionally at a loss as to whether continue and hope that he will come out of this mind set of 'it's not as bad as some other people are - we're fine ' or cut my losses while I can as I don't think he will ever feel the same about me again .We have been together for 25 years.

I love him very much, but cannot live a lie and want someone who I can love that loves me equally in return .The last 2 years have been hell mentally for me ,but I am in a calm place now - Firstly , is this normal andsecondly, am I asking too much ?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you cannot live a lie, suggest you don't live with a liar. Never mind how he feels about you - I'd have thought he'd made that pretty clear - do you think this is the best you can do? It's not asking too much to expect fidelity, affection and respect - it's basic stuff.

[Sheraton36]

Thanks for the response Ergo.. read a lot of your posts which always are straight to the point but a shock to the system at the same time !

I have often thought the same myself as you probably can guess ,looking straight into his gazing, unchanging eyes....

For what its worth, can anyone who has been in the same situation offer any advice on what the current status may be before I burn my boats finally this end ? Few questions to ask mumsnetters (now I've plucked up the courage after lurking on here through my darkest times) :

Does his physical behaviour indicate an on-going relationship (emotional or otherwise)with her ?
Does the sexual rejection means they went further (this would be a deal breaker for me )?

I know this post isn't as urgent as others I've read, but looking for some answers so I can decide what the next steps are - no-one to confide in in rl , it's been a heavy burden to carry alone for 2 years , pretending everything is fine to work, family , & friends
.

[foadmn]

the alternative could well be a life alone. which might be better.

[RollerCola]

My own experience of this is that unfortunately you may never know what actually happened. If he's anything like my exh he will never ever admit to anything.

So even when I read clearly inappropriate texts between him and other women, he would just say 'it's not like that', deny everything and make me feel like I was completely in the wrong for questioning him.

It completely messed me up. I had no idea what was right or wrong, normal or unacceptable. I'm still recovering from it.

In the end I couldn't live that way any more and we separated. My only advice, if you really want to stay with him, is to find a way to accept that you can't change him and he'll probably never tell you what happened.

[Whocansay]

Could you talk to the friend - or even the OW? It may give you some answers. Although, I doubt it will make you feel better.

Only you know if you can live as you are. But it sounds terribly lonely.

[3mum]

My vote would be that he is still hung up on this or another woman. My exH used "I don't know" all the time when what he really meant was "I am still seeing her but I don't want to talk about it".

Regardless of that though, is this the sort of relationship you want to be in? Do you think he loves you as you want to be loved? Can you trust him? If the answers to all of those are in the negative (and I suspect they are) then do you not deserve something better instead of just passing time in a sub-standard relationship?

[Tinks42]

Sorry OP but he's not emotionally with you and never was. You deserve so much better than this. Be strong and get rid of him, then you can find someone who will love and respect you, this man never ever will.

Life is far too short.

[Quitelikely]

Why did the other woman leave her husband? Are they still in touch (her & your dh) did he love her? Why would he stay with you if he is being an Ass surely they could have went off together if they wanted each other that much iyswim?

Sorry for the questions!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Does the sexual rejection means they went further (this would be a deal breaker for me )?"

I think 'deal' is the operative word. I believe some spouses make a deal with themselves at some point that they will carry on in the marriage for whatever reason (appearances, the children, domestic comforts, money) but that they will not engage emotionally. This creates a vacuum that is easily filled by an affair. I don't think there is much distinction between a physical and emotional affair when it has gone on for 15 years. It was hardly a quick fling

[IrianofWay]

Do you know what I think? I don't think it matters now what happened, what matters is what is happening NOW. He is detached, you are confused and unhappy and insecure. That is not a way to live.

[Sheraton36]

Thanks for the responses to my thread & sorry for the delay in replying . Things have been particularly stormy as you can imagine since my last post, as I seem less tolerant of him( finally) which created a bit of a backlash from him, losing his temper culminating in him telling me that he feels like he doesn't know me anymore, and for the first time ever has thought about leaving.

I have made it clear that if is what he feels he must do then he should go ahead, but he now says he won't as he wants to see if we can work things out for the sake of our kids and to see eventually if we can regain what we had by becoming friends again . He still denies being in contact with the OW but has said if we continue as we are & things don't improve if she then got in touch, he thinks he would be tempted to start communications with her again (!)

Can anyone tell me... why do they just not go if they are so unhappy - is it just that they have no b*llocks to make the final move, or is it a control thing for them that they get off on ?

I am still watching what his next move is as I think quietly watching and waiting is the best thing for me at the moment before making a final move . Any thoughts that may help me ladies ?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He wants you to say 'go' so that he is not the bad guy and you appear to be doing something similar. Because it's easier to do nothing, keep up the pretence and stay in the rut you find yourselves than it is for someone to call time with all the upheaval that involves. Someone has to be the grown-up here...

[dolicapax]

The only way back from infidelity of any kind, be it emotional, physical or both, is if both partners completely engage and are committed to making the relationship work. The only way for the cheated on partner to really believe in the new relationship is if their wayward partner does all the running, and really works to show they have moved on from the affair.

Your DH is making no effort, is not showing any level of commitment and there is a big question mark over whether he is still in contact with OW. He is also using future contact with her as a threat against you.

In your shoes I'd show him the door. It is a good sign that you are feeling calm, as I think it means you've lost the urge to 'fight' for this worthless man. You've at some level disengaged.

If I were you I'd ask him to move out, and start divorce proceedings against him. It doesn't necessarily mean you will get divorced, you can stop at any point, but it will stop him messing with your head. Take back control. Men who have affairs often believe they can 'choose'. Disabuse him of that now.

[ravenmum]

I could have written what RollerCola said; it is so confusing. Now looking back after I discovered what really happened, it all seems really obvious.

In my case, that dead look was because he didn't care the slightest about me. The physical rejection was because he found it awkward shagging two women at once. I'm not sure why he dragged it out, probably just because it is such a big step, and as Cogito said he didn't want to be the bad guy. And in my husband's case because he has some issues about letting go and losing things. Can't even choose a dish in the restaurant as he doesn't like having to be so final. Keeps old pairs of glasses from fifteen years ago. Wrote to his girlfriend that his greatest fear was of ending up alone in old age.

[Sheraton36]

Still here despite lots of gaps in posts through difficult times. I read posts everyday , but don't always post myself as it sometimes helps to observe and sympathise with other going through such disturbing times as me.
I am strong and have a good career later in life through further education and life experience but still have a weakness of feeling small against this man that I am beginning to resent.
I still would prefer it if things were different and on paper we have it all, but I , or we are clearly not enough as we cannot reconnect .
Rambling I know but 1 last holiday to get through and then I may be able to deliver some sort of ultimatum finally - advice please on the next steps for me to act calmly , or anyone else feeling the same ?

[Squidstirfry]

To summarize
It's been 2 years since his infidelity (which he has undoubtedly minimised), and you are not sure that you love him anymore, you don't trust him, and he has not proven that he is comitted to you or to restoring your relationship.

This is a last ditch attempt to rebuild your marriage.

Ultimately the test will be if you can live the rest of your life knowing that he has only been half with you for a very long time, and may still only be half with you.

He must have some spectacular redeeming qualities or you are only in this for financial security etc (not love)

Whatever he does or however he behaves during this holiday,
this is your time to decide whether you are able to commit to a half relationship.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I would suggest you get it sorted so when you offer an ultimatum that you are speaking from a position of strength.

Set up a meeting with a solicitor to see where you stand.
Find out how you would manage financially.
What would he owe in maintenance etc...

This sounds like a miserable life. Time to get your life back on track without this man dragging you down.