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Husband and female friend

(23 Posts)
Lime8 Sat 07-Jun-14 09:27:54

My dh had a work meeting with this girl he knows. He runs his own business. He told me about it and I was fine. I've met her before and she seems nice. Trouble is by work meeting, he actually meant a day out in the city taking a very nice lunch and visiting several cafés for coffee. He would normally hold such meetings in his office over phone or an hour meeting In town. He also didn't charge this girl for his time because they are friends.

To me this sounds like a date! A very nice date!

The other thing is this girl is 10 years younger than us and looks like a certain celebrity he rather fancies!

He says they are friends (no different to his regular male friends)

I don't know anyone that has friends of opposite sex that they go out with like that! I have male friends at work and husbands of friends etc but I would never dream of going out alone with them like that. As a group is fine, as is with my partner etc.

We have had a massive argument and I've been in tears! It spiralled out of control and he shouted at me for:
hating all his friends (he does always try to arrange stuff and can't say no but this simply is not true. But some weekends I just want me and him!)
hating his mum (I've met her a handful of times as she lives in a different country, she pushes religious beliefs on me and I get anxious as I believe something else)
and hating his job (we have the usual arguments about working hours, his job can be unsociable but I don't think it's anything any other couple doesn't argue about)

Other thing is I'm pregnant with our first. Feeling fat and unsexy! This has really hurt me!

Aibu and just hormonal or is what he did plain dodgy?

LuluJakey1 Sat 07-Jun-14 09:40:18

Well, I wouldn't be happy if my DH had done that so I don't think you ABU.

I think he is being unreasonable.

It does sound like there are other issues under the surface causing tension.

I am pregnant with our first baby at the moment and I am finding myself more emotional about lots of things. DH is quite emotionally astute so he has been great so far!

When you are both calm, will you be able to explain to him how you are feeling? Will he listen?

FourForksAche Sat 07-Jun-14 09:44:07

would he treat his male friends to a nice day out in the city?

Hickorydickory12 Sat 07-Jun-14 09:50:49

I would be upset too. Who hangs out with clients in the city all day and doesn't charge them.
They have arranged it between them. How silly of him. Why don't men get how vulnerable pregnant women feel?

tribpot Sat 07-Jun-14 09:52:55

It sounds very odd to me, and I say that as someone with mostly male friends, as I work in a very male-dominated industry. My best friend is a guy. I go out for lunch with him all the time (and my other friends) and meet them for coffee one-on-one all the time, so that's not the aspect that confuses me.

I would find it weird to have 'a day out' with them in the circumstances described. If I was socialising for the whole day, I would invite my DH to join us for one thing (whether the friend I was meeting was male or female). If I was having a business meeting with them, I would do it in an hour or two, and charge them for the time unless it was completely speculative or a piece of pre-sales. I wouldn't go out for an entire day and hold a work meeting in the middle of that, it just sounds odd. What are they doing in between the lunch and the several coffees? Visiting a museum or something?

I wonder what the hell she makes of it - why would a business meeting take all day?

Methinks he doth protest too much. He's managed to turn the argument round to a catalogue of your supposed failings. Does he do that often?

Quitelikely Sat 07-Jun-14 10:34:53

You are not being unreasonable. He is in very dangerous territory as far as I can tell. Why couldn't he take you along or just take the day off work and you and him travel to various cafes etc.

Don't back down. I have to say if I was you I would give him a taste of his own medicine. Have you got any male friends you could do this with?

MuttonCadet Sat 07-Jun-14 10:39:32

I agree with tribpot, a full day out of work does not sound like a business meeting.

Is there a good reason why they couldn't have the meeting(s) in his office and then get a coffee?

I have male friends. My DH knows them. I have been out with one of them socially. Been to his house, helped with cooking/cleaning. On my own. He has been to our house when DH has been working. He's stayed for dinner, and we have been out for coffee together.

Unless there is a back story I think that your DH was rather insensitive in his actions, he sounds a little uptight about being questioned.

FWIW I have no problem with my DH spending time with female friends; he once ( few years ago prior to our DD) visited a friend at the other end of the country and stayed over at her house. I had to work so couldn't go. No issue with that at all. Hand on heart. I appreciate that other people may not be comfortable with this, but I know the friend and absolutely trusted her. I have no cause not to trust DH, and similarly, he has no cause to distrust me.

Apologies for slight derailing.

venusandmars Sat 07-Jun-14 10:46:43

I often work in the same way as your dh did - meet somewhere for a coffee and start the meeting, discuss business over lunch, conclude with a coffee somewhere else, particularly if we are discussing something that is not straightforward such as future plans for the business. I do it with both female clients and male clients, and for me it means nothing more than a nice environment for doing that kind of business.

That doesn't make it OK for your dh though.

You would never dream of doing it. That doesn't make it NOT OK for your dh though.

Essentially we each have our own ideas of what is acceptable, and there is no absolute right or wrong. What is important is how you feel, and how your dh reacts to how you feel.

If my dp was upset about me meeting someone for lunch, I'd feel pretty pissed off, but I would try to find out what was behind it - why did he feel like that, was he feeling insecure, was it something about the particular person I was having lunch with, was it because I was having a nice lunch and he ate a sandwich at his desk... etc.

Do you know what is making you feel upset - because she is young or pretty? because you would like to have a nice lunch out with him? because that behaviour is out of character for him?

elastamum Sat 07-Jun-14 10:49:21

I think he is being totally unreasonable and knows it, hence he is now trying to turn the argument into something else. It is classic behaviour from a cheater who has been caught out.

I'm not saying he has cheated on you with her, but your observation that this 'meeting' had turned into a date seems spot on and this is what has upset him so much.

He needs to apologise and really mean it. Instead of this he is trying to bully you into submission. Don't back down

HalfCracked Sat 07-Jun-14 10:51:08

yanbu, that does sound like a day out. He is being defensive because he knows he 1) planned it, 2) enjoyed it & 3) felt entitled to plan a dayy with a woman like this.

I agree with not backing down, and I don't mean continue fighting. That would be horrible. But don't say 'oh I was hormonal, you're right I just over-reacted' to end the bad feeling as it would only be a very temporary end to the bad feeling.

If he's with you and if he values you and respects you he won't be treating younger women he fancies to a very pleasant day out in the city hiding behind the guise of 'business meeting'.

Never had anybody take me out for more than lunch when I was working in the city. Ok we had a few jollies but there was alwayys a gang.

Usually if you were taken out for lunch the person either took two of you out for lunch, or two of them took you. It was just so so rare, in 14 years of working in the city anyway, to be asked out on my own by just one other person.

Bowlersarm Sat 07-Jun-14 10:55:18

My DH has meetings with a number of different women in a work context that take the form of long lunches.

I trust him implicitly. He does make me feel very secure though; on the phone 10 times a day, rarely out in the evening without me, doesn't really like the boys night out thing etc.

I think your DH needs to listen to your concerns, and adapt accordingly. If he has to meet her because he needs to for work it shouldn't involve a whole day together, for example.

Pugaboo Sat 07-Jun-14 11:01:14

Having a work lunch/ coffee itself is not unusual as other posters have said.

But in OP's DH's case, it IS unusual as she says his work meetings are usually office based.

I would try talking to him again calmly.

PPaka Sat 07-Jun-14 11:02:23

My husband does this all the time, men and women, some he would consider friends now. He wouldn't dream of asking me along, that's ridiculous.
Client lunch to talk business, then it turns into a long lunch and they might carry on for coffee or more drinks
He wouldn't charge for his time either, that would be shocking. You treat the client

Bit I guessit depends what business he's in.

Meerka Sat 07-Jun-14 11:02:28

hm, I'm someone who has close male friends and have gone to spend a week with one with our older son back in the uk - he's family really, since my own is broken, and husband -knows- there is nothing but friendship between us. He's an older brother, really.

But this is different. Work context, that long, that many nice coffees and not charging? there's something else going on ... and the things said in the row sound like there's other things simmering underneath.

I think that you need to sit down and talk calmly - and stay calm- on a low-hormone day and state your (very reasonable) reservations. Then talk about the other stuff that's come up in the row. Again, its perfectly reasonable to want some weekends with just you and him!

good luck

pictish Sat 07-Jun-14 11:06:17

Trust your instincts.
I am racking my brain and at present, can't find anything that might explain the need for a little outing like that.
I assume you asked him...what did he say?

pictish Sat 07-Jun-14 11:10:53

OP - read Ppaka's post...she thinks it's dandy so there you go.

She's a model, he's a photographer and taking shots for her portfolio for free?

I'd be more than pissed off.

He's defensive and treating you like a mug, saying you ' hate' his friends and family is his way of trying to take attention off the issue at hand.

He's a twat.

OneLittleToddleTerror Sat 07-Jun-14 11:21:11

I think there must be other issues in your marriage if you feel nervous. Does he usually work this way with colleagues? I know in my husbands work it could be common. He is in academia and sometimes the meetings can be over lunch and then coffee and then pub. But they only meet like this if it's in a conference not the usual at the same uni colleagues.

And I trust him because I know usually who these women are.

Is it more like a day out other than a meeting day over food?

Or is he in sales so he has to woo and wow?

Is he being quite secretive? DHs work colleagues quite commonly post pics on fb. And usually there are lots of paper and laptops. And you can see it's nothing romantic.

I think only you can judge if it's off compared to the nature of his job.

OneLittleToddleTerror Sat 07-Jun-14 11:22:36

Oh just noticed it's a model and photographer. I wouldn't trust that combo either.

TweedleDi Sat 07-Jun-14 11:41:02

If he doesn't do this as a norm with males in his circle then it is not appropriate.

The level of defensiveness about his actions is not indicative of innocent motivations.

To behave in this manner (verbally aggressive and combative) when you are pregnant also waves red flags in my opinion. A normal reaction would be to reassure you, take on board your concerns (whether justified or not), and examine his own actions honestly.

Lime8 Sat 07-Jun-14 12:37:10

Thanks ladies. We just had a long chat about it. Ended ok. He is sorry and I made him realise that he had upset me. We spoke about the other issues too. I used a lot of your advice actually and directly quoted from here (he doesn't know I had people helping me hehe)

I do trust him, he is not cheating but he does need to be careful about making me feel shitty. He promised not to be so defensive in future.

Part hormones part him being an idiot!

At least we talked about it. A good start!

Thanks all.

ubiquitousslug Sat 07-Jun-14 12:38:08

onelittletoddleterror NO it is not a mod/photographer
Combo. You misread a post asking if it was that. The OP has not told us what business they are in.

OP you have every right to be upset

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