Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

When do you know its time to call it a day

(144 Posts)
divorceisthatmyonlyoption Wed 23-Apr-14 21:37:06

Ok, Ive name changed - penis cup, niace ham, lunch box police, nest of vipers, and all that.

Can someone please tell me when I will know what to do? Because I just cant figure it out

I just keep bursting into tears at the moment, I can not remember the last time I was happy or did not worry what was wrong with DH, or if DD was happy, or if I should call it a day and it that is the right thing or not. I find my self driving and suddenly relise that I am driving, I park the car and forget to lock it, I have locked the car and left the windows open. I just cant seem to think straight and all I want to do at the moment is run away, just go anywhere but here. My head feels like it too full and totally empty at the same time.

We never have sex, he bearly seems to remember im even here sometimes. I feel like I dont exsist, DD seems to swing between liking her dad and not liking him. She hates it when its his turn for stories or if I have to leave her with him - is that normal or not I have no idea anymore. I feel like Ive got two kids not one and a husband, its like having two.

Ive got raging insomia, I feel exhausted just trying to make it through the day. Im constantly ill, I have a ulcer, I find myself wishing that DH would do something anything, does nothing and I mean nothing, ever, I cant remember the last time he even helped tidy the house or played with dd.

I just dont know what to do, I dont know if this is all me and im just being really unfair, I dont even remember what being ME feels like, I dont know who I am anymore. Im just so tired and right now I feel so broken that I dont know what to do, or think.

Primadonnagirl Wed 23-Apr-14 21:40:24

Aw love sorry to hear you are having a shit time. You will get loads of advice and kind words here. I think you need to start with one important question..do you want to stay and make it work ( for you not for dd) ? Once you know that you can start to make the next steps

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Wed 23-Apr-14 21:48:03

Primadonnagirl - thanks, but thats it I just dont know. I dont know what I want, I bearly remember what it was like to want something. I cant even make a decision without thinking about what DH wants, or what DD wants, I come so far down the list that I just dont feature on it anymore.

I look around my house and there is nothing in it that I would pick. I dont eat the food I like, - becuase DH doesnt like that type of food. I dont listen to the music I like becuase DH doesnt like it and so on and so on.

I dont even remember what its like to know what its like to be happy anymore. I bearly recongise myslef when I look in the mirror, I dont recognise my own thoughts, or feelings I dont feel like me anymore and I cant remember when I last did. about a week ago it just suddenly hit me like a train that I am so miserable that I feel like I cant breath.

LineRunner Wed 23-Apr-14 21:58:23

I think it's the end of the road for your relationship, and the start of an amazing new future for you.

You need to plan. In small steps.

The first step might be getting some help with that insomnia and simmering ill health. Do you have a good GP?

ohdobuckup Wed 23-Apr-14 22:00:45

Poor you, this is exhausting and so destructive for you.I have been through something similar, pacing the floor, not sleeping, couldn't make a decision about anything.

Through a friend I managed to get away for a long weekend on a retreat, no expectation of finding an answer but just getting away to allow some quiet and peace..it took a while but eventually the whirlwind in my head stopped and some degree of self returned.

I don't know how possible it would be for you to get away for a while and if you could let go of the care of your dd for a bit, but perhaps just to get some peace from your thoughts and space to yourself without having to work on getting an answer...doesn't have to be a retreat or anything religious, but somewhere safe and warm for you to recover a bit.

Thinking of you.

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Wed 23-Apr-14 22:03:38

I cant take sleeping tablets as I need to be easily rousable as DD is not sleeping well, my GP is beyond crap to be honest. I just think I am very run down I work every hour god sends. To my shame I had to ask my mum to come and help me clean my house as in march the Xmas decs where packed away (almost) but the boxes where still in the lounge and the house was just a tip but I couldnt get on top of it.

I think I would feel better if I could get some sleep and maybe stop worrying all the time. It feel like I need a break from my life just to stop the world and get off for a while.

lapetitesiren Wed 23-Apr-14 22:08:33

You might be depressed. Maybe you need to see your gp and deal with that first before you make life-changing decisions you can' t go back on. Feel for you.

LineRunner Wed 23-Apr-14 22:11:04

You need to see a better GP. There will be another in your surgery who is competent. Please ask to see a different GP.

ThePriory Wed 23-Apr-14 22:16:45

Sounds a lot like stress related depression... There is a way out of the fog! Asking for help is the first step... Can't your DH see how low u have become?

ImperialBlether Wed 23-Apr-14 22:18:52

This might not be what you want to hear. I felt like this for many years and I took antidepressants. I felt like I couldn't trust the ground beneath my feet. I'd gone from being confident and outgoing person to not knowing who I was all what I wanted. I found out that my husband had been having an affair for many years. When I found out I steeled myself for my reaction. I thought I would be ill with the shock. I realised that I wasn't shocked. It answered every single question I had. It was like my life had been a massive jigsaw that was all muddled up and it suddenly all fell into place. Now he he was very rarely out of the house in the evening. It wasn't an affair anyone could have guessed. However it had been going on for many years and because of that he had changed and become more distant was pretending he hadn't. Is there any possibility whatsoever that something that that is happening to you? I think it is really really worth thinking about to be honest.

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Wed 23-Apr-14 23:15:39

I honestly don't think I am depressed and yes I know that's what I would say if I was depressed. I feel so much better when im not at home, in fact I find myself making excuses to be late etc it like as soon as I start to feel even vaguely normall I have to go home. This might make zero sense to anyone but I feel like I'm being poisoned, like the air is toxic at home and making me ill, confused miserable etc and As soon as I get out of the house I start feeling better (not 100%) but better then I have to work myself up to go home and breath the poison in again - does that sound totally insane?

Imperial I don't know, but I can tell you that he is not the man I fell in love with - its like he's been replaced by someone that looks te same, sounds the same but has a totally different personality his best mate says the same thing like he's a different person (so its not just me)

Priorydh doesnt seem to notice anything at all it's like I'm not even here sometimes, I've lost a load of weight had chest infections and raging temperature as all I get is god I hate that smell - when I resorted to Vick (which I had been avoiding as I know he hates the smell) but I had to end in the end as I couldn't breath, he says he never hears dd but will jump out of bed at the sound of a car so I ended up being horrifically ill with bronchitis he wouldn't even make me a drink or get up with dd so I could sleep (when I'd dozed off finally) I slept down stairs in a chair for 6weeks and he never noticed honestly I feel invisible a lot of time

It's almost like he hates me or something but when I've asked what's wrong - I get I'm fine your just a grumpy git to be around, I've begged him to tell me what the problem is and all I get is I'm fine, it's like he's trying o make me feel insane

I have a good job, I'm totally sane but honestly I am the last person you would expect to be talking like this. I don't know what's wrong with me! I've the last few weeks he's make really nasty comments - he's says they are funny but they dot seems funny to me they seem hurtful, he's pretty much accused me out right of having an affair regularly since last year - I'm not sure when I'm supposed to have the time to be honest, not to mention my self esteem is so low at this point that I can see anyway anyone would want to be with me EVER.

God I sound like a total mess honestly I'm not, ATLEAST I don't think I am - oh god I don't know maye I am

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Wed 23-Apr-14 23:19:26

Sorry about all the mistakes I am in a bit of a state tonight

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Wed 23-Apr-14 23:56:50

Is anyone still up? My minds just all over the place

Pigglesworth Thu 24-Apr-14 00:20:39

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Things sound very toxic for you at home, how you're feeling is not normal for a good relationship. Why are you unsure about leaving, what is keeping you in the relationship? Can you reclaim any aspect of your sense of self?

saffronwblue Thu 24-Apr-14 00:31:56

How old is your DD?

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Thu 24-Apr-14 00:33:35

Piggles I don't know I really don't know, it's like I'm incapable of actually making the decision. I worry about dd, will her life be better or worse if we split up. Will she be safe, happier, will dh be ok (odd but true) I worry that he is going to hate me, he'll have no where to go, he thinks everything is fine, he's not violent, he's not abusive, are things really bad enough to rip a family apart, but thing aren't good enough to stay. Will I cope, how will I manage to work and look after dd - then u remember I do that anyway, as it is is.

They only friends de have are dh friends, I don't have any left they all got fed up with me or ring able to go out eat so sort of drifted off. So i so exactly have a bug support network

Maybe I'm wrong and this is what a relationship feels like.

I really don't know how to know if Im making the right decision. I'm so confused I can't think straight and I'm so lonely and so miserable and I just don't know what to do.

How do you go back to reclaiming your self when you've forgotten what your like? It's like I've compromised so much (yes we all need to compromise) it's like I've compromised myself away and dh hasn't compromised at all

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Thu 24-Apr-14 00:36:05

She's 6 saffron and lovely and wonderful and clever and I love her to bits an all I want is to know I've made the best decision for her.

Monty27 Thu 24-Apr-14 00:41:42

Sorry, don't have much to advise, your dd sounds great, have you spoken to her or felt the 'ground'? Are you or could you be financially independent?

Lots of questions. You need to weigh it up. I don't think you're depressed, I think you're grossly unhappy with your dh. It happens sad

stottiecakes Thu 24-Apr-14 00:45:42

Me and my ex just drifted apart and were miserable, lived together for about 2 years but had no connection and would sleep in seperate rooms. we are now seperated but still friends, he sees the kids whenever he wants as he only lives in the next street. The kids are happier, im happier and hes happier. I see my old friends whenever i want after we drifted apart and have gone back to work. Sometimes i think you just get lost. You might be able to patch things up but its sounds like you havent got anything in your life other than him, your DD and work so maybe take up a hobbie or something to meet people. Its a bif decisions and once its done its done, all i can say is im was a bit like you but i am happier now than living a lie

stottiecakes Thu 24-Apr-14 00:46:13

should say lived together 14 years last 2 we drifted apart

wigglylines Thu 24-Apr-14 00:46:57

This is not what a relationship should be like. Would you want your DD to have a relationship like this?

And yes, your happiness is worth breaking up the family. It won't be you breaking it up though, it will be his unreasonable behaviour, leaving you to do all the work while he treats you like you don't even exist. That's not a partnership.

The real you still exists, but you need to get you and your DD away to find yourself again IMO.

Pigglesworth Thu 24-Apr-14 01:03:18

This is definitely not what a happy relationship feels like. It sounds like a desperately unhappy relationship.

It sounds like you have functioned in this relationship by giving up yourself, compromising away yourself, whereas your husband has not made many - if any - changes at all. It's not right for you to look around your home and see nothing that you would have chosen for yourself. Do you think your husband views you with contempt? It sounds like there is an unpleasant undercurrent even if you can't put your finger on what is wrong.

It must be very hard trying to develop any sense of self when you have put yourself last for so long. If you google "pleasurable events schedule" or "pleasurable events checklist" such lists will have many suggestions of things people like doing, it can be a starting point for reflecting on who you are as a person and adding back some further dimensions to your life?

wyrdyBird Thu 24-Apr-14 01:07:19

No, this is not what a normal relationship is like. This is not fine, whatever he says.

You don't feel confused, angry, miserable and as if you've lost yourself in a normal, healthy relationship. If you felt like this with everyone you would look within: but when you describe your own home as poisoned, as if it's toxic and you're breathing it in - that's a very, very graphic description of how unhappy your home life is.

Your life will be better if you split up, and so will your daughter's. You just can't carry on like this, and why would you?

It's not as if you've just grown apart. You've no friends, only his. You feel lonely and miserable in your own marriage, which he thinks is perfectly fine. He calls you vile names and doesn't care for you if you're ill. He doesn't do anything. Why is he even there?

You will feel miles better when you're away from him. That's how you reclaim yourself, OP. brew

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Thu 24-Apr-14 01:18:51

I am financially independent I work dh doesn't. It's a bit complicated. I saw a good solicitor a couple of days ago just to see where I stood and dd and I would be ok. We'd keep the house (which I bought) the car is mine free and clear. I'd been able to keep the roof over our head and food on the table etc even if dh didn't contribute anything. I thought at be if I knew where I stood on that side things might become clearer - as I wasn't sure legally of we're I stood.

I've just started going to a dance class one evening a week dh is making it difficult but I've resolved to go whatever just because I used to love to dance and I've not been for 10years

Dh and I have been together for 10 nearly 11 years

I feel really old but infancy I'm in my early 30's but I have to keep reminding myself.

I know your all probably sat there going stupid women its clear as crystal what she needs to do, but for some reason I don't understand I just can't see it. I keep thinking at some point I'll know for certain something will happen and it will all become clear as crystal but it just hasn't happened yet,

Things have not been right since dd was borne but they have been really bad for 2 years or so. It was nothing major that happened its just been tiny little things and now I don't recognise myself anymore or the person that dh has changed into

stottiecakes Thu 24-Apr-14 01:26:38

Thats what is confusing you, nothing major has happened as in someones had an affair or hes beating you so you cant justify making him leave. Sounds like your really miserable and its shocking he's making it hard for you to go to dance classes. . No one thinks you are stupid, i have been there myself, when i eventually asked him to go which i was stressing about he went and looking back i think he wanted to go for his sanity but didn't want to walk out on the kids. I stuck around miserable and it never got better just worse, looking back i should have done is sooner as everyone was miserable

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now