Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I needed to know, I snooped and now I know he's no good, now what?

(90 Posts)
sosooootired Wed 26-Mar-14 16:32:13

Firstly a disclaimer, I have serious trust issues... after 12 years with a husband who just constantly lied and cheated. I had years of signs that he was up to no good but always got fobbed off with every excuse in the book and all the gaslighting you can imagine, until eventually I answered the phone to OW and he could lie no more.
So after thinking I would never ever meet anyone again and be alone forever, I eventually started seeing a new guy 5 months ago. He is awesome, sex is amazing, we have an amazing connection and time together and he is seemingly devoted to me.
But I needed to be certain things were really what they seemed and he wasn't hiding anything from me.
So I'm slightly ashamed to admit I downloaded a keylogger software and recorded his email and facebook passwords.
He is working away for 2 months and I had to test before I commit. He had pledged undying love and asked me to marry him. It has been incredibly romantic and whilst I've felt swept away and very happy I just needed to be sure. I have kids and can't allow myself to be messed around again. I'm terrified of wasting years on a good liar again.
So anyway, cut to the point. He has been away less than a month and already contacted the ex wife of a mutual friend, for friendly chat - 1.5 hrs of fb chat. To my eyes it was totally casting a fishing line and seeing if she would bite. She asked him straight if he was involved with me and he told her I was in love with him but was purposely vague about us.
Now he has also contacted a friend of his friends girlfriend, clearly with the hope of striking up some sort of friendship.
He sent the message to her only 5 mins after sending all sorts of heartfelt beautiful messages to me sad
I think he probably fits the profile of a man who spends many evenings alone working and is looking for distractions with online romances. Maybe it's an old habit he can't quit. But basically he has not been honest, he is pretending to be someone he isn't.
I know I should just cut all contact, hard as it will be. I am in love with him and have had the most wonderful few months and truly believed I had met an awesome man. The truth now is so fucking depressing.
But what can I tell him to explain?
I feel like blocking him on all mediums is the only way, heart breaking as it is. I almost want to confront him so he can reassure me and make promises etc.. But that route is madness and just my need for this not to be the pile of shit it clearly is.
But he will obviously want to know why I have suddenly ended our relationship and I don't want to explain what I have done.
help please!

str8tothepoint Wed 26-Mar-14 16:50:15

Think you should just tell him your not ready for a full on relationship after last time and ask him not to contact you again as then you may need to explain what you've done

Understandable and now you know the answers that's all you wanted, right??

FolkGirl Wed 26-Mar-14 16:53:34

I think you can just end it. I don't think you need to give a reason why, just say it isn't working for you.

And leave it at that.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Wed 26-Mar-14 16:53:35

I have to say, if I'd been treated the way you had, and was worried that perhaps my radar wasn't quite strong enough to pick up on a bad one on its own, I might well have done what you have. Particularly if there were children to think about. So don't be too hard on yourself

Secondly, yes you should dump, and all you have to say is that you have changed your mind. You aren't in the right place to date, it's too much too soon, you think you need to be alone for a while. You don't need to give him a 'valid' reason- all that is perfectly fine. It is DATING. You can change your mind just because you want to, because it's just about whether personal attraction is there or not. You're not trying to get out of a contract or anything.

To come back to the snooping, though. What's happened here? Well, you've met a guy, it's been great, its moved really fast, and you needed to know whether you could trust him, and you found that you probably can't. Why did you need to snoop? Not because you can't trust- but because of the bit in brackets. That's the problem, not your trust issues.

Talking of marriage after 5 months? Insanity. Red flag.

Too fast. After 5 months, you do not know someone. it's not possible. Ergo, only a fool trusts a person they've known 5 months. Only an absolute fool listens at all to someone who talks of marriage after 5 months. You're not a fool. But instead of reacting by slowing things down, you panicked. Instead of taking control in that way- overtly, you seem to have defaulted to letting him set the pace but secretly trying to protect yourself.

Do you see?

A person with better boundaries would have taken a step back when it started getting intense, telling themselves that he was beginning to seem a bit suss. And lo- he IS suss. Bored pseudo-romantic flirty scalp collector. Exactly the same as he's been with you, but you couldn't see it.

Next time, don't reach for the keylogger... just remember that it takes a couple of YEARS, not months, to know somebody. Within that time, keep your powder dry, get to know them properly before marriage is spoken of, and I reckon you'll learn to weed out the rubbish using your own instincts.

whatdoesittake48 Wed 26-Mar-14 16:56:12

Putting a keylogger on anyone's computer is unforgivable in my opinion (I don't care what you think you needed to know). it is about control and deceit and shows you are not ready for another relationship. You need to get over your trust issues.

that said - you have found out something which may not have become clear to you until later - so you can stop this relationship earlier rather than in a few months time. I suppose that is a good thing.

tell him about the keylogger - he has a right to know he should change his passwords or you could continue to check up on him even after the relationship is over...

Zeeeon Wed 26-Mar-14 17:00:15

You need therapy, not a boyfriend.

pictish Wed 26-Mar-14 17:02:16

Good post Bruno.

I agree...five months in and talking about marriage. Ridiculous. hmm

Tell him you need to be on your own.

wannaBe Wed 26-Mar-14 17:11:18

having trust issues is no excuse for what you did. It was your ex who cheated, not your current bf. Added to that, given how clearly untrusting you are, I would be very hmm that what you think you saw actually was what you saw, i.e. the fact he was talking to women, any women immediately has made you think he's a cheat, when actually he is probably talking innocently to female friends which, for the record, he is perfectly entitled to do.

You have to come clean to him about what you've done so he can change his passwords, and then end the relationship because you are clearly not ready for one.

The only one in the wrong here is you. He is well rid.

sosooootired Wed 26-Mar-14 17:11:53

thanks for replies.
you are all correct. I put the keylogger on my own computer but I would also like him to change his passwords so I'm not tempted to stalk him. But I will seem like a crazy bunny boiler if I explain what I've done...and we have mutual friends he would tell.
It's true the marriage talk was very passionate but crazy, it was more along the lines of in the future when we are further down the path you are the woman I would like to marry etc and being clear that he was hoping we were building a long term commitment and for him it wasn't a casual fling.
I didn't want to discover this. I really was hoping that he was a regular decent guy, with no secret life and that he would be telling his friends about his great new relationship.
Now I just feel like a fool who no-one will ever really love.
I'm glad of the support for cutting off all ties, I doubt myself a little as this is my reaction when people hurt me. I cut them off and I wonder if I'm too extreme as I don't know how to resolve problems. But in this case all he can do if I confront him, is to lie and make excuses. Been there before - cannot go back sad

wannaBe Wed 26-Mar-14 17:24:19

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sosooootired Wed 26-Mar-14 17:29:17

wannabe in 7 years of turning to mumsnet in times of need I have never seen you say anything pleasant or helpful to anyone. please stop commenting on my situation now. I understand your POV already

FolkGirl Wed 26-Mar-14 17:32:19

WannaBe I don't think the guy is a bastard at all.

But I do think that the OP is very vulnerable and is probably in a very bad place at the moment. I agree with what you're saying, but I probably wouldn't say it to her at the moment.

I think she needs to end it and cut contact with him for both their benefits on the basis that she is not ready for a relationship and not because I think he has done anything untoward necessarily. (Other than the talking about marriage after 5 months stuff).

When you've been treated badly and had your faith and trust shattered, it does impact on your ability to trust again. However the way to deal with it is to be on your own for a while and to heal, and not to enter into a relationship and keep your new bf/gf under surveillance until you have convinced yourself that they are exactly like/nothing like your ex.

Holly300 Wed 26-Mar-14 18:04:14

Wannabe, I think op didn't for one moment try to excuse what she did. It's a shame that you have posted such unkind and unhelpful words to a vulnerable woman clearly in need of some mn advice. Your attitude is shocking!

OP you know what you did was wrong - and I probably would have done exactly the same thing in your situation. There must have been red flags in your mind, for you to have done that.

I think that you need to be on your own and learn to be happy on your own and trust yourself. Have you been to counselling about your trust issues? Do you have anyone in RL to talk to?

I think at this stage it would be only fair for you and for him (and kids too) if you end it. No good will come of you telling him what you did... I'd just tell him that it's too soon for you. Then try and cut contact.

Please try to ignore unhelpful comments.

wannaBe Wed 26-Mar-14 18:04:24

folkgirl I agree she needs to end it, but she also has to tell him the truth about what she has done because she has compromised his fb passwords etc. He has a right to know so he can change them.

Imagine if the situation was reversed and someone came on here and posted that they'd been seeing someone for a while, that they were getting very close and things were going well and that suddenly out of nowhere he had cut contact with no explanation (which is what op has been advised to do here), what do you think the responses would be?
Fact is that if op hadn't discovered anything the other night she would no doubt have continued to check, and where would it end? sim reader for his phone? tracker in his car? a listening device in his house?

When you mess up in a relationship (and putting a keylogger on a computer to check up on someone is pretty off the scale) then you have to face the consequences of that. Perhaps therapy will help op to see that, but walking away and pretending she didn't do anything is not going to help her move forward, it is simply enabling her to minimise her issues.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Mar-14 18:12:00

Lovey, I think by the time you hacked into his FB accounts etc the red flags were already there and you hadn't heeded them

Talk of marriage and "perfection" after 5 months (and you have kids to look out for too) is madness

Baggage Reclaim Lady puts it succinctly when she talks about future faking and assclowns

RedRoom Wed 26-Mar-14 18:15:25

I've re-read this twice and I'm still not sure what he's suppose to have done. He told this girl he was in a relationship with you when he was asked, and told her that you loved him? What are you upset about? Is it that he didn't tell her that he was in love with you /was head over heels about you or something? If his only crime is being a bit apathetic, as opposed to him sending sexual or overtly flirty texts, then I'd say it is a bit rash to dump him over this. Five months is not long- I think it's fairly normal for him to be not be utterly gushing to a female friend about you. Many men / women just aren't like that. I think you need to look carefully at what exactly was said and why it is upsetting you.

sosooootired Wed 26-Mar-14 18:20:43

thanks holly, and special thanks anyfucker I always heed your advice.
I know I have to end it but it's so disappointing. To say the least. I so wanted proof that he was 100% who he claims to be but sending messages with xx's to random women is not going to cut it.

And yes there was an incident a couple of weeks agon that precipitated this bunny boiler action - a text message sent to me with the wrong name, apparently a typo - alarm bells started ringing

AnyFucker Wed 26-Mar-14 18:29:07

That Baggage Reclaim site is very good.

badbaldingballerina123 Wed 26-Mar-14 18:29:28

The Op put the keylogger on her own computer , not his , and has obviously peeked at his Facebook messages as she knows his password . I don't think it's any worse than peeking at someone's phone which many do .

I don't agree the Op has issues . Something didn't feel right and she's perused it and proven to be correct. Does his right to lie outweigh her right to the truth? It's no worse than any other person who felt funny and checked their partners phone or email only to discover something dodgy.

badbaldingballerina123 Wed 26-Mar-14 18:30:42

Better finding out now than in five years.

Holly300 Wed 26-Mar-14 18:32:51

OP I think receiving a text message to the wrong name is reason enough to be suspect... Although it could have been a typo? I must say though, I don't think that putting 'xx' at the end of a message means he's untrustworthy or that he was flirting! I think the main problem here - whether he is guilty or not - is that you need to get over your trust issues before being in a serious relationship. Good luck x

sosooootired Wed 26-Mar-14 18:33:06

redroom the long chat with a friends ex was instigated by him and marked him out a as bit of a creep to be honest. He downplayed our relationship and made it sound as though I was chasing him but he wasn't that interested in me.
The second woman he has now contacted after discussing how beautiful she is with his friends girlfriend a month ago, it sounds as though he saw her picture online only.
This week the friends girlfriend told him she had bumped into said woman, told her about him and he should contact her. He asked for her full name to do so and now has.
I would have hoped he would say he is now involved with someone else and not interested...but now I have proof that he is still shopping around whilst constantly telling me the sweetest things and making all sorts of future plans for us.

sosooootired Wed 26-Mar-14 18:36:47

wow anyfucker i'm reading the baggage reclaim site now, thanks!! I really needed to read this

RedRoom Wed 26-Mar-14 18:38:41

Ahh. I can totally understand your concerns now. No, you are not being unreasonable. His behaviour is utterly inappropriate for someone in a relationship. Sorry to have implied you may have overreacted x

Holly300 Wed 26-Mar-14 18:39:07

Just for the record... I have checked my oh's phone in the past - and I would again. He's very guarded over his phone... That in itself rings alarm bells for me. And what I found wasn't pretty... So there you go.

I've never had an issue with him using or looking at my phone, because guess what? I had nothing to hide!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now