Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Epic fail?

(33 Posts)
newsandreviews Mon 17-Mar-14 05:24:29

You may have seen other posts about trying to move on from emotionally abusive control freak. I have done a week. I was in absolute pieces yesterday and felt my depresssion getting a really hard strong grip and suffocating me. I rang him. He didn't answer. 2 hours later a text saying sorry missed call was cutting grass. I did not respond as i was doing my online Freedom program. half hour later he rings. tells me we are never getting back together. i need to move on. we want different things. i persuade him to come over last night with every intention of going to bed with him. and we do. nothing sorted. not back together. i still don't want to be with him. well i don't think. head no, heart yes.

just dont know what to do now. he is a liar

however, depression feels lifted and strangely i feel a little empowered cause i got him to come back.

no doubt it will return today though... depression not him!!!!

newsandreviews Tue 18-Mar-14 14:53:39

Blu, i am sure you are right but as I said to him today I just think what we do have (the good bits) are toooo good to throw away. sad

Really need to get myself a good counsellor!

I admire your strength Blu. Well done smile

BluBurd Tue 18-Mar-14 14:44:24

It's not going to work out, you know that don't you OP? Just today my crisis worker asked me what's stopping me getting back with my ex. Because it will never be a relationship that's good for me and neither will yours be. It might be okay for a few weeks but then it will go back to the way it always is. And you will be back to square one.

Trust me, I wish so badly my ex was the one for me. But he's not. Tell him not to come over. Look after your son and get yourself well. Once you are well if you still want him then, fair enough. But I doubt you will.

newsandreviews Tue 18-Mar-14 14:31:26

No. and I was not where I usually work as we had a meeting in a local hotel.

BluBurd Tue 18-Mar-14 14:06:00

Was he waiting for you?

newsandreviews Tue 18-Mar-14 14:02:45

oh now this is an epic fail
came out of work on lunch break and saw him. he;s coming over tonight
ffs

BluBurd Tue 18-Mar-14 13:00:00

I know it's hard not to when in a state, I have had some real hard times where I have fought so hard to not get in contact but desperately wanted to.

There is life after these men OP. There were men before them and there will be men after them. Keep your friends and family close.

I am doing okay, my crisis team are very happy with my progress. I am focusing on learning to be on my own and be comfortable with it. Will be a very long time before I consider getting involved again.

Be strong OP, work on your self esteem and keep your self respect. I lost mine constantly begging him to take me back when I hadn't even done anything wrong.

Logg1e Tue 18-Mar-14 10:09:28

The problem with the Tinder thing is that it makes you look defined by your sexuality and availability.

newsandreviews Tue 18-Mar-14 09:35:55

ann not an iphone

blu - yes I know no contact is the only way. Easier said than done isn't it. Sunday I was in a complete and utter mess and thats when I got him over. I am still feeling well today - yes think of him but know I don't want to be with him. I get the pangs but they aren't the overwhelming despairing feeling i had before. All of which I am taking as good signs.

Lucky I have good family around me who can't stand him! However, I am embarrased to say that he didn't like any of my friends and I have barely seen them that much. Thankfully people I knew well could see what was happening and are just pleased I am away. Though probably thinking I will go back soon.

For me this tinder thing is as you say an ego boost and nice distraction and yes i know its probably not the right thing to do. but if it keeps me no contact then it is.

I had post natal depression so been on meds since then. Its always just been managed - until i met him that is!

Taking one day at a time and keeping myself busy
#
How ar you doing now?

BluBurd Tue 18-Mar-14 08:51:42

OP, you need to cut all contact. You aren't going to get over him if you have contact.

I split up with my ex at the end of January. He was emotionally abusive too. I know what you mean when it feels like a 'victory' to get him back. But it's not. It will never ever be a healthy relationship. And if you aren't careful, you will have a complete breakdown. Like I have done. Also on meds and with an upped dose. I was begging to be committed, my mind was that damaged.

There are still nights I lie there and wish I could contact him, feel his arms around me again. But it's lies. Our 'happy' relationship was all in my head.

You have your dc, like I have mine. Put them first and get better from the depression.

I went on POF and it is a nice distraction and ego boost but be honest. The few guys I spoke to I actually just said I wasn't well and able to see anyone and we chatted anyways.

There is life after this man. But there won't be much of one with him. I ended up suicidal. Don't go there.

AnnField Tue 18-Mar-14 08:45:17

If you have an iPhone, when the number appears there should be a little i symbol in blue after it - click on that and there will be an option called 'remove from recents' which will completely delete the number from your phone.

newsandreviews Tue 18-Mar-14 08:34:38

Cause I want to. Cause it takes my mind off the mindfucker. Cause it makes me feel that i can go out with someone else if i want to. Cause it reminds me that there is much, much more to life than mindfucker... cause I am interested who is single in my area.... thats prob enough for now

If I went out with one of them of course it would be rebound but I don't know if i will. If it keeps me away from a man that has done untold damage to but i have the stupidity to still love then to me its only a good thing.

Walkacrossthesand Tue 18-Mar-14 07:28:13

Why? Why do you feel the need to chat to random strange men on Tinder? It's perfectly possible to live a full and happy life without a boyfriend, you know. Are you at some level trying to 'get your own back' on the man you haven't yet really got over? Do take a moment to pause and really think about what you do, and why - try to be the mistress of your own destiny, not a shadow defined only by the man she's with.

There, that's not 'abuse' is it?!

Logg1e Tue 18-Mar-14 07:25:21

Why do you think people will criticise that? (I think "abuse" is a poor choice of word).

newsandreviews Tue 18-Mar-14 07:06:00

Tjanks for that Logg1e - I will do that if I get the urge again. Don't want to otherwise cause willl lose all my apps etc.

Well today I am thinking about my job, my DS, my studies and the men I am 'chatting' to on Tinder. [waits for abuse about its too early....]

Still feeling good today and long may it continue

Logg1e Mon 17-Mar-14 20:03:53

You need to stop not thinking about him and not thinking about his number and not thinking about tricking him in to sex etc etc because by putting so much emphasis on not you are still making him a focus.

What can you think about instead?

newsandreviews Mon 17-Mar-14 20:01:38

thank you curt wild. i am going to have to do that. i am trying not to think of his number in case i actually remember it.

CurtWild Mon 17-Mar-14 16:29:02

Take any contact numbers/ photos from your phone that you want to keep (not his!!) and do a restore to factory settings. This will delete everything so I can't stipulate enough that you make sure to write down any numbers you need and back up photos to your laptop/computer before you do it. This works for all smart phones btw.

newsandreviews Mon 17-Mar-14 12:16:58

I have completely deleted his name contact. All logs, all dialled and received calls. EVERYTHING!!!! it still fucking comes up if i press 077 - it just shows his number with a few other numbers that i also have starting with 077.................. So annoying. i would get a new phone but this one is new and i can't afford it. i am already getting new bed to rid memories of dickface... and i certainly won't be letting him that into my beautiful new bed. no way

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 11:58:34

And to delete the number, also delete your log of dialled and received calls.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 11:57:58

I'm sure he went away thinking... 'newsandreviews really got one over on me there.'..... not. hmm The mistake you're making, I'm afraid, is that you think you controlled that situation on your terms when, in reality, it's just an extension of the previous abuse.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 17-Mar-14 11:42:44

To delete his number, edit his entry in the address book and put a random number in there.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 17-Mar-14 11:35:54

DON'T join a dating site. You are not in any position to be dating - you need to sort your head out first. There is a reason your family and friends hate him!

Dirtybadger Mon 17-Mar-14 11:34:57

Honestly, just masturbate.

Your imagination will be able to come up with something more brilliant than an inebriated (or not, not clear) shag with a dickbag ex.

Logg1e Mon 17-Mar-14 11:28:58

OP So replace glass of wine and shag with fuckhead with nicer person. Don't do one night stands and thought of shagging stranger makes me heave but i feel the need to go off and peruse a dating website.

Other options are available to you. I don't think you should be even considering another relationship or sexual encounter right now.

newsandreviews Mon 17-Mar-14 11:23:35

Thanks for your replies Morris. Yep, upped dose not kicked in yet but hopefully will v.soon! I know everyone obviously thinks I am wrong what I did but I still feel a sense of empowerment. Remember this is one completely controlling fucker who called all the shots. He is also pigheaded and once mind made up theres no changing it. Last night I desperately wanted to see him and persuaded him over for glass of wine... no I didn't beg honest. He made it quite clear will change nothing and i said good cause i don't want to be in a relationship with you. Of course we both knew exactly where it would end but I we had a few glasses of wine, talked about all things non related to our relationship and had a good shag. Left as friends. Yes I know I shouldn't even be friends with him but if it is the only way i can wean myself off him without having a breakdown then i am going to do it.

If it wasn't for DS i would up and move away, but i can't.

So replace glass of wine and shag with fuckhead with nicer person. Don't do one night stands and thought of shagging stranger makes me heave but i feel the need to go off and peruse a dating website. smile

And no I can't talk to family and friends cause they all can't stand him and i try to hide what sort of damage he has doen to some extent.

Okay, ponders best dating site to join

Also going to re-refer myself to counselling service

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now