Husbands who have disappeared

[AbleAble]

Is there anyone on here who's husband disappeared? Maybe went abroad or just dropped off the radar and you haven't seen them since?

[Innogen]

Has this happened to you Able?

Do you want to talk about it?

[redshoeblueshoe]

Able I know a man who did this. His poor DW was heartbroken, phoning hospitals, calling the police.
Basically - he was a twat - who ran away when things got difficult. x

[AbleAble]

Yes am ok thanks. But there seem to be no books on this. Have heard of one by vickii stark but nothing seems to be written about husbands who literally just disappear (maybe pop up somehow living abroad many months later/you find their name on a google search etc but have just abandoned wife and children)

Has this happened to anyone? How did you cope/impact?

[AbleAble]

redshoe how is she now? what happened in the end or was there never an 'end' ?

[DomesticDisgrace]

Happened to my uncle able.

After seven years he was declared dead, body never found and very heavy suspicion that he'd done a bunk to another country. Vaguely tried to make it look like suicide but nobody really knows.

[MacFleetwood]

I don't know of anyone personally, but I seem to remember reading about Olivia Newton John. Her husband was thought to have committed suicide but was discovered/found living somewhere hot not so long ago.

I remember feeling quite sorry for her.

Hope you are OK Able Able.

[redshoeblueshoe]

A year or so later he resurfaced somewhere. Hence the twat comment. After she found out he had just done a runner she was then able to move on. She moved away -so I don't know how she is now.

[Caitlyn2014]

My uncle did this decades ago. Just upped and disappeared leaving behind a lovely wife and young daughter. A few years after he vanished my grandad got the Salvation Army on to it and he was found living in London. He wouldn't allow his whereabouts to be disclosed but did permit them to tell the family he was alive and well.

My family was what was known as staunch Roman Catholic and as a result my aunty lived a life of limbo thereon in. No divorce. No declared dead husband. Just a woman living a life in total limbo.

I think the Salvation Army still look gor those who have gone missing if it would be of any help to you.

[ProlificPenguin]

Are you doing research or just interested?

[Hakky]

Hi Able, I can't go into too much detail publicly but my dad did this to us, disappeared, reappeared a year later, continued to pop up every so often then disappeared completely, hasn't been seen for 20years, I think he's dead, my mum doesn't.
Spending time with my mum is very stressful as she will raise it and get upset, she also wears it like a badge (sorry if that sounds harsh). I tend to just tell people he's dead as I don't want to be pitied.

[MarshaBrady]

Is this for an article?

[Monetbyhimself]

Has this happened to you OP?

[Indith]

Very odd post, if you are fishing for stories fire an article etc then you need to contact MNHQ. Have reported the post so they see it.

[oldgrandmama]

Hmm, as an ex journalist myself, long retired, I thought 'lazy research' when I read theOPs posts. Hope I'm wrong [cynical old cow that I am].

[AbleAble]

No I namechanged ages ago. Happened to me. Still gets to me. I am wondering whether to write something about it but have no idea if it's happened to many 'ordinary' people like me - (in war zones/syria/holocaust circumstances it will have happened relentlessly. ) - so not sure how relevant any 'help' book would be.

Also, probably not in the right place, even now, to write anything useful probably.

I'm having very good counselling now. Getting some sense of self and re-building self-esteem and courage etc.

It's still total limbo though in many ways.

I've read loads and loads of stories and 'help' books re partners/husbands who have suddenly upped and left, no warning, and gone cold and horrible, onyl re-surfacing to see their kids on and off or whatever, but can't think of any where the husband just disappeared. Mine did reappear a few months later, abroad, but he's disappeared again now and no idea where he is.

Read the Olivia newton John story - and the interesting comments after it, so thanks for that macfleetwood as i didn't know.

[tiaramasu]

I am sorry for what you have been through.

That is the trouble with writing some books. They are written because there is not much similar on the market.

I would imagine there would be demand for one, if only for the "human interest" angle.
And true stories sell well?

[AbleAble]

It's not really about writing about it tbh - it's more trying to find other people who have been through similar experience and an urge or desire to know what happened 'in the end' in these cases. Natural to look for others 'endings' I guess, as mine is still not ended .

[tiaramasu]

I dont think that your situation is at all usual.

Can you live with the idea that what you have now is the new normal? He may disappear and reappear, or not reappear again?

[AbleAble]

I have had no choice in the matter so it has slowly become my new normal. But it's not normal (though is easier to live with now) and is very hard to explain in 'social' settings. It's not something I ever wanted my child to grow up having to say, or to know about his father, either.

It's put me off relationships for life too.

The comments after the Olivia Newton John story are interesting - a mix of 'leave the poor guy alone, we only have one side of the story and maybe he had a breakdown' and 'what a selfish coward, he could at least have let his family know he was alive and ok'.

I don't know - i have felt both. But I still think it's morally unforgiveable.

[NMFP]

Able have you contacted Missing People?

They provide all kinds of support for people when someone has disappeared, including counselling, and a 24 hour support helpline. All free and confidential.

www.missingpeople.org.uk/how-we-can-help/families-and-friends.html

[AbleAble]

NMFP no I haven't. When he first disappeared I know the police found him as I reported him missing at the time. The police came to see me and said he 'doesn't want to be found' and that they had to respect his wishes and therefore could not tell me anything. Data protection I think.

That was humiliating. having the police tell me that in my front room as I held our small baby. And i have never had any financial support from him so my child has lost out on all fronts.

If he didn't want to be found then it seems there's no point reporting him missing.

[stooshe]

Yes my older generation distant (bloodwise) cousin upped and left his family for what was supposed to be a "cooling down" period" (he was too cowardly to face possible conviction on some fraud case). There was intermittent contact for say five years, then he disappeared. He did turn up two and a bit years ago, after thirty one years, as drunk and entitled as he ever was.
I can't go on too much, but he is as awful as he sounds.

[NMFP]

Able - Missing People isn't all about searching and 'finding', though they can do a lot to help while someone is still missing. They can support you through your experience, whether you are reconnected or not, and whether the experience is recent or not. They support lots of people who are 'living in limbo'.