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Aggressive husband, don't know what to do.

(28 Posts)
nannyplumismyfavourite Sat 08-Mar-14 20:51:48

I will try to keep this brief. My H has a temper, pretty short fuse. In particular he reacts quickly and irrationally (imo) to things I have done/that have happened on my watch - e.g I was playing with our son, he tripped and fell bashing his eye. H instantly becomes tense, aggressive language - oh obvious that would happened, ffs etc, I defend myself it escalates to a shouting match.

yesterday morning the car windows were open, inexplicably, all 4 at once suggesting malfunction (or child playing with keys) instantly his tone is aggressive - 'what did you do, has it been open all night, ffs you are so careless, car is expensive etc. My back goes up instantly and I defend myself, it wasn't me etc he becomes increasingly aggressive, shouting at me to take responsibility

Put the children in the car and come back in and argue with him further ( I am as much at fault here I carried on arguing should have walked away)
it escalates, he gets into my face and then pushes me into the wall hard, storms back into his study and slams door.
I lose my temper, open door and shout at him, and (I am really not proud of this, call him the C word) He leaps up, pushes me hard back across the hall into the wall pushing me into it, shaking me and has his fist raised. I scream that I am going to call the police and he stops. I left the house shaking and crying.

I don't know what to do. Reading that back it sounds awful. In the first instance afterwards he was not contrite, he said I should not have called him that, it made him see red etc. After I pointed out that is classic abusive behaviour to blame the victim he has become more contrite. I have told him he must have counselling if he wants me to stay.

Having looked at abusive men profiles I don't think that he is, but he has a temper and a short fuse and I know that the way I react to him when he is cross only makes him worse in the short term. But I cannot (will not?) roll over and take it for the sake of peace, so we end up in these aggressive situations. This is the first time he has physically touched me although he has come close a couple of times before.

We have two small children, I can't even begin to get my head around how we would split, what it would mean for them, how I would protect them (he is a loving father but can be short tempered and is pretty useless at actual parenting.)

Can counselling work? I'm not even sure he thinks it was that bad. I'm fairly sure he thinks it was my fault for swearing at him 'making him see red'. are we just totally incompatible? I argue back at him and shout too, it only makes things worse.

what do I do? I feel really lost and I am scared of telling people in RL. I am seeing my best friend tomorrow and I really want to tell her but I don't know if I can. I am not afraid of him, and I am not weak usually but I want what is best for the children and I don't know how to achieve that.

If you have got through that (not remotely brief) essay thank you, i think just writing it down has been quite helpful actually.

gamerchick Sat 08-Mar-14 20:57:13

if your kids are little then take them and run so you can avoid long term damage to them.

You don't work together as a couple.

LavenderGreen14 Sat 08-Mar-14 21:01:18

I would tell you to call Woman's Aid and get the hell out- he won't get better. Only worse. Tell as many people as you can. This is not your fault and you did not cause this. He is responsible for his own behaviour and a good father would not behave in this way.

I think you are brave to stand up to him, but I think he is dangerous and you need too protect yourself and your children.

bordellosboheme Sat 08-Mar-14 21:02:19

He sounds like he is provoking you by blaming you for everything and you can't stand on your head enough different ways to please him. First thoughts are you should protect the children from this. Does he drink?

MaxsMummy2012 Sat 08-Mar-14 21:06:11

I agree that you need to leave. It's escalated from not being physical but being close to now being physical, next time (because there will be a next time) he'll hit you - how far does it need to go before you leave? Do it now, you deserve far better and so do your kids. Stay safe X

jayho Sat 08-Mar-14 21:08:33

get
out
now.

nannyplumismyfavourite Sat 08-Mar-14 21:13:23

he drinks but not excessively, and if anything that actually relaxes him he would almost always be in a happier mood after a drink or two.

He is generally quite a stressed person, high pressure job etc.. but he can be (not always but often) like a coiled spring, except you never exactly know what it will be (e.g. he might get shouty at the dogs for barking like mentalists one day, but laugh it off the next)

I think my trouble in part is that my father can be quite snappy and rude (never aggressive) to my mum and is often putting her down. I hate the way she just takes it to keep the peace and I think therefore react even more strongly when H is putting me down/telling me off..

I feel sick even typing this out, I don't know how it has come to this :0(

BertieBotts Sat 08-Mar-14 21:13:23

He IS abusive. The "profiles" you read are not a checklist where he has to tick every single box to fit the bill - if he fits two or three then it's a BIG red flag and a sign to get out. Just from what you've posted I can see SIX different signs and one of them is the big one - he has assaulted you today by pushing you into that wall.

In a healthy relationship, you never even have a fleeting thought about calling the police about your partner. You certainly don't have cause to shout it at him in order to get him to stop what he is doing.

Please, please take this warning he has given you, be thankful it wasn't worse and leave - preferably before the end of next week.

Please tell your friend. Counselling will not help.

outtheothersidefinally Sat 08-Mar-14 21:13:34

It's textbook domestic abuse though I understand you may not be ready to hear this yet. If you could, then get out, get yourself counselling, strap yourself in for a bumpy but ultimately worth it ride.

BertieBotts Sat 08-Mar-14 21:14:38

But a husband shouldn't put you down or tell you off (there's another two checks on the abusive behaviour list) and even if you "react strongly" to something totally innocent that he says it doesn't give him cause to intimidate you.

myroomisatip Sat 08-Mar-14 21:16:39

I agree you need to talk to Womens Aid and you also need to go to the CAB and a solicitor to find out where you stand should you decide to divorce.

I think you need to be very aware of your behaviour and not provoke him. I would make a plan, depending on the advice you are given, to live apart. Get your important documents together, possessions etc. incase you need to leave suddenly.

Was he always like this or did his behaviour worsen once you had your DC?

aurynne Sat 08-Mar-14 21:17:41

"Having looked at abusive men profiles I don't think that he is" --> Really? Is this what you think? If this was your daughter telling you about his own boyfriend, would you tell her this is not abuse? I think you are completely blind.

myroomisatip Sat 08-Mar-14 21:20:46

aurynne I think, in an abusive relationship, the abuse escalates and the abused just adjusts and accepts until they have no idea what is acceptable, also, the abuser is very clever at shifting blame.

milkysmum Sat 08-Mar-14 21:27:06

I am one week into ending a relationship that sounds quite similar. Last friday I got to the point of needing to threaten to call the police to stop h in his tracks and do you know I suddenly thought "this is not right". we had been together 14 years, married 8 and have 2 children age 5 and 2. I never ever thought I could leave him but I have ( well I threw him out to be honest! ) dd is devastated and doesnt understand why daddy cant live with us anymoresad . tonight I feel so desperately lonely and have cried into my glass of wine watching the voice BUT I know this was not a good relationship and it WILL get bettersmile Try to be strong and start to think long term and whether you actually want this as your future

Rebecca2014 Sat 08-Mar-14 21:32:48

This is how me and my husband argue. He likes to blame for everything too and when I stood up for myself it just made the situation worse...for me!

Anyway, last 5 months our relationship actually been good and his admitted to me we have major money problems and his been keeping it to himself, hence why his been so stressed and resentful of me being a sahm.

Unless he is angry at other people he does not have anger management issues but abuse issues. In his head you are this evil crazy woman who wants to make his life hell. Would he do couples therapy? If not and he won't tell you what he is so angry or stressed about then the only option is to leave and you will leave, be it now or in ten years time. Just depends how much time you want waste.

nannyplumismyfavourite Sat 08-Mar-14 21:36:08

thank you all for replying. I feel quite sick right now, probably because you are right but I cannot believe this is actually happening. If this was my daughter or my sister though I know exactly what I would be saying so I have no idea why I am incapable of applying it to myself.

He has always had a temper, always prone to this kind of behaviour i guess, but then can be sweet and kind as well. I am not afraid of him I don't think but then I find myself double checking I have done things correctly so as to avoid an argument I guess.

I think I feel responsible because I did shout at him, I did call him awful names. But then I think the whole thing started because he got angry over something I hadn't done, but then I escalated it by getting cross back.. it is all such a mess.

I realise I sound stupid right now, I really am not usually, but I just can't see the wood for the trees I think

LauraBridges Sat 08-Mar-14 21:45:39

Lots of mumsnet threads tell women to leave men for all kinds of reasons which are not justified. however in this case it really does seem to be you would be better off without him. For some of us divorce really has been a massive benefit to us and our children.

If he is not always like this and is just very tired or stressed then may be it doesn't matter but if it is very regularly like this then he either needs to change or you need to have him leave (get rid of him, rather than you losing the house etc). Plan it though. Get copies of all family finance documents, tax returns, passports, marriage certs, P60s, P45s, pensions details. Think about how you might afford to live if he leaves. You would probably get a non molestation order via a solicitor to exclude him from the home.

You also need to decide if you want to be without him - whether the bad bits are made up for by good bits (I doubt they are but you might think so).

NearTheWindymill Sat 08-Mar-14 21:54:40

I agree with LauraBridges.

This sounds like a toxic relationship and I can see no benefit to anyone of staying in it; least of all the children. I am sorry OP.

Lweji Sat 08-Mar-14 21:57:55

you are not wrong in standing up for yourself. The alternative would be submitting to him.

You are in a phase where it seems bad but not so bad that it's easy to make the decision to leave. It will get worse, though. Either you'll be walking on eggshells and totally submit to his moods, or you will be hit. You'll probably be hit at some point anyway.

This is the time to leave.
I know it's really hard, but you have to do it before it gets worse.

MistressDeeCee Sun 09-Mar-14 03:20:31

He is provoking you. He WANTS you to react, so he can threaten and hit you. & he knows you have a strong character so you won't walk away when he is goading you, you will stand up for yourself. So, you called him a not very nice name - that does not warrant him hitting you. He is out of control and he doesn't deserve you. He is showing you what your future with him is - getting worse and worse, with him hitting you more often as you won't just roll over and take his abuse. Your children are young now - but as they're growing up just think how they will feel hearing him verbally abusing you - and also, they could see him hit you. Not a happy atmosphere for them at all, they'll probably end up a bag of nerves. You say he is like a coiled spring - that must be terrible to live with.

I read posts like this and think there are just too many men out there who feel they have the right to deal with other stresses in their life, whether work or family related, by reducing their wives to nervous wrecks. All because its easier to abuse a woman and she's 'there' - in the home, available to take abuse behind closed doors. Its sickening. OP get away from this man as soon as you are able to. He's a ball of tension and on his way to becoming crazed.

AdoraBell Sun 09-Mar-14 03:41:40

They never do think it's "that bad". My ex even told me after we'd split "it wasn't that bad, I never put you in hospital"

I'll tell it from a daughter's perspectiva. My father was a coiled spring, none of us ever knew what would set him off. All of us lived walking on egg shells. I had pánico attacks all through my life. I used To just faint for no discernable reason. It took úntil my 40's, ten years after he died, and 3 years of therapy To realise what was going on when I fainted. My family is now estranged. I don't mean just the parents, 6 siblings who have no contact with either, apart from myself and 1 other.

It's up To you whether you leave or not, but this will Get worse and the children will notice what's happening, just as you see your parent's relationship.

You've been given good advice above. I suggest you act on it.

aurynne Sun 09-Mar-14 05:01:19

nanny, a decent man would never push a woman against a wall, no matter how angry he got. Going from words to actions like that is crossing an invisible, but very clear line, into physical abuse. Most physical abusers are very nice to other people, and can be very nice to their DP when they are not in the "violent zone". In fact, they usually go in cycles.

A good husband is not nice to their partner/wife "most of the time". He is respectful ALL THE TIME, and pushing her into a wall is something that would never cross his mind. What he has done to you is neither normal, nor acceptable. And it has not been a "one-off".

Please do love yourself as you would love your daughter or sister, as you said. Do what you would advise them to do in your situation. You are as deserving a human being as them.

FolkGirl Sun 09-Mar-14 05:22:03

OP It is hard to hear it. I posted on here for ages saying how great my husband was. I'd read about husband's having affairs or being abusive and feel really lucky that mine wasn't one of those...

Then he had an affair and I kicked him out and started to read and educate myself and then I realised that, actually, he was abusive and in quite a textbook way.

It's just that when you're in the middle of it you can excuse and minimise the behaviours away and convince yourself that if you've not been hospitalised, then it's not really abuse...

MistressDeeCee Sun 09-Mar-14 05:40:40

AdoraBellthanks

Lost for words for once... sad

innisglas Sun 09-Mar-14 06:02:08

Oh heck, I think it is horrible for a woman to be in an abusive relationship, but, in a way, that is her choice, however it breaks my heart to think of children seeing and hearing their parents fighting like this.

It really brought it home to me when I had to listen to my daughter fighting on the phone with her boyfriend, I thought if this is so upsetting for me, how much worse it must be for a child who depends on the two people who are fighting.

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