Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

he's fucking drinking again

(76 Posts)
vxm123 Fri 07-Mar-14 23:14:05

So furious with the bastard that I can't even type. But he is fucjing drinking again. Had a shit Xmas because of it. I have a D's nearly 3 and I ducking hate h, because I'm going to have to leave tomorrow and Ds will be so upset to be leaving his 'daddy'.

Makes me want to scream. He doesn't deserve to be a father. And now my gorgeous little boy is going to have to go through life without a father.

Today in the park ds's friends were there with their daddy & my D's couldn't take his eyes off them. Wanted their daddy to push him on swings. He's (ds) is really drawn to men as his own father is a fucked up, brain damaged alcoholic.

Is not fucking fair. I'm fuming.

StarGazeyPond Fri 07-Mar-14 23:19:22

Been there, done that, cut the tie, and got out. My son was 6 and devastated. No way was I staying once he started drinking again. Broke my heart, but I was able to build a better life without him and all the worry. Good luck, OP.

vxm123 Fri 07-Mar-14 23:19:54

H knows better than to drink. We've had so many problems because of it. He knows how harmful it is. H often gets disgusted with himself wen he's been drinking for a while. I really thought we had put it all behind us & were working at having a good relationship again. If h couldn't do it for him or for me . then why on earth can't he do it for my gorgeous little boy.

How dare he put us through all this again

AfroditeJones Fri 07-Mar-14 23:21:33

Good luck. Sending you best wishes and hop your Ds will meet positive male role models in his life. brew

vxm123 Fri 07-Mar-14 23:24:22

Why the fuck do I have to walk out on this life. And I'm the one who will have to pick up all the pieces. I will be the one who has to comfort ds and explain things. H won't even live very long as he will likely drink himself to death. Toxic fucking bastard.

I married him in good faith. Can anyone calm down my anger please or I fear what I will do

vxm123 Fri 07-Mar-14 23:27:56

I've just poured a bottle of red wine over his head & our lovely new cream carpet. Lying in bed with ds now & wen I think of all the excuses h will make tomorrow it just makes my blood boil.

I'm going to be packing bags being told i'm breaking up this family, that I won't be welcome back, that everyone thinks i'm a psycho etc

Anniegetyourgun Sat 08-Mar-14 00:19:00

Don't do anything too silly tonight - you're furious because H can't give up booze for your little boy, but you have to be the bigger person here and give up homicide. You're the only sensible parent he's got. You can't afford to get arrested for his sake!

But yeah... infuriating. Never mind what he says to other people though. If they can't see what is in front of their eyes then they're too stupid to matter.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Mar-14 06:23:43

"I'm going to be packing bags being told i'm breaking up this family, that I won't be welcome back, that everyone thinks i'm a psycho etc"

Sticks and stones... You appear to be the one planning to leave but shouldn't he be doing that? As regards your DS. Age nearly three, he'll accept the world as you present it. If it's a world without Dad in it very often, and if you present it as normal and happy, that's how he'll see it.

Did you make the mistake of giving an alcoholic several chances?

YubYub Sat 08-Mar-14 06:40:45

No matter wat they say- they never give up for no one - trust me,

YeahBitchMagnets Sat 08-Mar-14 06:43:02

Was he an irresponsible heavy-drinking fuckwit before you had your son?

YeahBitchMagnets Sat 08-Mar-14 06:45:22

You poured a bottle of wine over his head? shock Was he comatose in bed? I only ask because although I understand your frustration this kind of action could turn nasty and end badly (and therefore your son) for you very quickly indeed. Just make sure you stay safe. Don't push your luck with a very drunk person.

summermovedon Sat 08-Mar-14 07:33:25

You haven't checked out of the relationship, he did that through his behaviour.

Also, He's (ds) is really drawn to men as his own father is a fucked up, brain damaged alcoholic. I really identify with this and why you are so angry. My DC were very much like this from 2 years old. Any man who they saw they clung to like limpets, because they didn't get that consistency of love from their father because of his drinking and his behaviour. All I can say is 2 years post leaving, they have stopped altogether and are now behaving completely normally around all adults, and they are so much happier and calmer and confident. He is still (barely - his choice) in their lives and they have never missed him. Never shed a single tear. He was detached and not present in their lives, even when we all lived under the same roof and he was going through the motions. I am utterly heartbroken for my DC because they did not deserve a father like that and angry with myself for being so stupid because I chose him and he let everyone down. The only thing I could do is make it better by removing him and his drinking from our lives.

I understand the feeling of anger and why you poured that wine over him. It is so incredibly difficult to accept that another adult behaves that way, and damages their own families like that. Now it is time to go and rebuild your life. Those feelings are not healthy for you and they will harm you if you stay.

vxm123 Sat 08-Mar-14 12:51:34

Yes I made the mistake of lots of chances. Yes I had a baby knowing these issues.

He has circles of alcohol abuse. He gives up for months/ years. That lulls us into a false sense of security where he thinks he is in control and I think he has finally realised how destructive his drinking is. Then he will start with 1 drink in a week and before I know it he's bingeing daily fick with the consequences.

It then takes a lot of work from h & me to get him off the drink.

I've realised that people in RL don't realise how hard it is to live with an alcoholic. What makes him an alcoholic is his relationship to alcohol (in that alcohol matters more than self respect etc)

Summer: thank you so much for sharing. You really articulated what I feel & it helps to know I'm not the 'butter' here.

Cogito: I hope what you say is true...Ds is very bright & does seem to look longingly when his cousins are playing with their father's.

His favourite programs are those where mommy daddy & children are together :-(

Iviolently upsetting as drink isn't the only thing wrong with our relationship but unfortunately it seems like this will be the straw that broke the camels back.

For the record he is not physically violent

vxm123 Sat 08-Mar-14 12:54:34

#meant 'nutter' not butter. Sorry am on the phone for privacy

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Mar-14 12:59:48

For all you know he's looking longingly at something completely different to what you think. You're seeing 'Mummy and Daddy' because that's what you're focusing on and what you want, whereas he might be envious that they have a dog or a football. Make a big fuss of how great it is that you have each other all to yourselves to do fun things and, if he has uncles, rope them in and get them to make a special effort to include him when with cousins.

vxm123 Sat 08-Mar-14 13:00:00

Yeah: no he wasn't comatose in bed. He was eating the lovingly prepared meal I had made like it was a completely normal occurrence to have half a bottle of wine with your evening meal. How dare an alcoholic bring alcohol into the family home knowing the consequences. He has fucked his health, this marriage, his brain cells, career etc due to bastard alcohol.

vxm123 Sat 08-Mar-14 13:04:18

Thanks cogito but ds is articulate.
I worry about being over dependent on ds. He really is my world & I don't ever want him to feel responsible for me.

vxm123 Sat 08-Mar-14 13:05:47

Lol he is envious of people who have dogs/ guinea pigs/ cats etc!! But not to the same extent sad

tribpot Sat 08-Mar-14 13:20:56

How dare an alcoholic bring alcohol into the family home knowing the consequences.

Because he's an alcoholic. We don't use reason and logic when deciding how to interact with alcohol, that's the [extremely unfortunate bloody] point.

I'm sure you know the three Cs of Al-Anon, the support organisation for the loved ones of alcoholics.
- you didn't cause it
- you can't control it
- you can't cure it.

Your only job now is to protect yourself and your ds from it. I'm assuming that the last time was his last chance and he knew it? Then you know what you need to do.

One of you has to go, and it ought to be him. But if he refuses it's more important that you get out. Then you need to forget all about his problems and addiction, how you've managed it [for him] in the past, and spend some time with Al-Anon looking at learning to detach from your drinker.

Turn that anger into action. You can make some positive changes straight away, even if they are hard ones.

vxm123 Sat 08-Mar-14 13:34:41

Tribpot: you're right. He won't go so I will as my welfare is more important.

I don't really want out of the marriage but I need space away from his self-pitying drunken defensiveness.

You said 'we' does that mean you're a drinker? He has extended dry periods. He has even gone out for the odd sole beer with dinner.... But he steers clear of red wine as that will always set off an alcoholic episode. This is why I'm so angry.

You call his alcoholism the 'straw' that will end the relationship but it's not a straw, it's a huge, life consuming problem. You are enmeshed on a codependent nightmare with him and you need to get off the merry go round by ending it with him permanently for your sake and your children.

tribpot Sat 08-Mar-14 15:56:34

vxm123 I'm a recovering alcoholic (there are a number of us on MN, some of much longer standing than me). I don't drink. Ever. Having extended dry periods doesn't make him not an alcoholic, even though he (and perhaps you) may have fallen for the stereotypical 'vodka for breakfast every time' image of the alcoholic.

I could probably, once in a while, go out for dinner and have one beer. Like your H wine is my poison. But it wouldn't take long at all for the one beer to become a bottle of wine, I know this. I am not capable of having a healthy relationship with alcohol and I don't kid myself that I can.

If you're interested in gauging how far away your H is from even willingness to tackle this properly, I wonder if he has disclosed the problem to his GP, let alone sought help from an addiction service or AA. Has he admitted the problem to his friends? If he's done none of these things he's nowhere near.

But even if he's done all of them, there is absolutely no way for you to predict what will happen next. Which is why you need to take him out of the equation. Put the focus back on you and on your ds. If he recovers, great. But you can't do it and frankly you can't even help. If you've been managing his addiction you may be co-dependent, and have your own set of issues to deal with. (I wrote this before I read Eirikur's post, which I echo - this is not a straw by any means).

Focus on getting help for yourself. This is also what he needs to do but he won't do it until he's ready. He may die before then, he may not. That's how addiction goes.

DameEdnasBridesmaid Sat 08-Mar-14 16:59:30

Alcoholism is a family disease, we all get infected. Partners of alcoholics have tried everything, getting angry, crying, begging, hiding alcohol, we fall for the games they play because we love them and want to believe them.

We even try to make them feel guilty "if you loved me/DC's you'd stop". We don't realise how utterly futile this is. Alcoholics feel more guilt than any of us will ever know.

They can't control their drinking, so how can we?

Please go to Alanon, learn how to make yourself better, learn how to detach - it can be done I am living proof.

Listen to tribot. Your alcoholic is no different from any other - they just think they are until they learn they aren't.

summermovedon Sat 08-Mar-14 17:42:54

My XH could go days, weeks, months without drinking - in order to prove to me that he didn't have a problem. But finally, I realised how much damage his behaviour was having on me and our DC. I went to Al Anon, CoDA, and therapy and dragged myself out. I really didn't want him out of the marriage, but living with him and the uncertainty and behaviour was hell, and to be honest even 2 years away from it I still downplay a lot of what went on. I was so dependent on the drama and moodswings, but it was not love or a relationship by that point, it was living hell - I see that now.

He has not changed at all. He has new enablers, and new codependent relationships with his parents and sibling. He is still drinking and sees very little of his DC in order to enable his drinking. He does most of it socially, so it is "normal". So 'losing everything' doesn't always work. He is unable to see how his getting wasted 3-4 times a week caused me to eventually end the relationship. I think in his mind now I caused him to drink (even though he still does this...).

But I want to emphasise again, how by leaving has made our DC so much happier and calmer. I used to be devastated watching my DC desperately watch other daddy's in the park, and rush off to them (strangers!) to get attention. They don't do that anymore, they are truly happy and content. I don't use them for comfort as I used to before my alcoholic left, and they have healthy relationships with other family members and feel calm and in control of their own lives. I think for them living with a detached alcoholic was so damaging, he could not give them what they craved, as his relationship was with himself and his problems. Don't get me wrong, he was NEVER drunk around them when they were awake, but he was emotionally in neverneverland.

HopeClearwater Sat 08-Mar-14 18:17:55

vxm123 I could have written your posts four years ago. The anger, the frustration, the sadness, the loss... I did much worse things to my alcoholic DH than pour a bottle of wine over his head too.

Please read and re-read the incredibly valuable advice you've been given on this thread. It could really help you. It is hard to believe now, but there is a better life for you out there. Tribpot really knows what she is talking about. And I'd like to echo the advice to go to Al Anon. It helped me understand the nature of alcohol addiction. Go with an open mind - you might not agree with everything you hear, but that's fine. You sound as if you really need the support.

My best wishes to you and your ds.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now