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No physical relationship with dh-plz help

(82 Posts)
Nomodrama52 Thu 27-Feb-14 16:12:02

I am in a really horrible situation and have nobody in RL to talk to, I'm really hoping I can get some advice here...

I will be honest and I know some people will say they have no sympathy for me at all and I accept this, it's my own fault.

I had an EA with om. I am married with dcs. Prior to the ea, me and dh were barely on speaking terms for some time. I was craving attention and I fell for om. I should have resolved differences with dh first I know this.

Anyway. It got to the stage where I ended up leaving with dcs. I told dh about the om etc. I separated from dh for around 6months. But I couldn't cope and had a complete breakdown. I was on anti depressants and I had to give up my job.

Dh wanted to give our marriage another go and he really helped me back on my feet. He is great with the kids and really looked after me too when I didn't deserve it.

However, it is now almost 4months since I have moved back with dh and I still cannot bring myself to have any physical relationship with him at all. I don't think I love him anymore and I have felt this way for some time, before the om.
Every time he comes near me I step back, I feel claustrophobic. I hate how I feel and I desperately want things to be normal.
Things in the house are awful. There is constant atmosphere and we are not even on speaking terms now. The dcs know things are not right.

Since last week he has been pressuring me to sleep with him. I have told him I need time to get things back to normal, physically and mentally. But he has told me I must sleep with him even if I don't want to as he deserves this. He tried to force me to have sex and I just couldn't do it. He has now told me that I have to leave the house if I cannot have a physical relationship with him.

I know that I did wrong and him taking me back must have been tough for him. But I really thought this could be a new beginning for us and we could rebuild our foundation as friends and go from there.

I know he loves me a lot, and I know how difficult it must be for him, but I can't make myself have sex when I don't want to.

I want to stay for the dcs sake and don't want to disrupt them again but I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.

I'm really scared of being on my own and being a single mother.... I keep thinking should I let him sleep with me to keep the peace?

Or should I move out and call it a day? I know it's my fault things got to this stage, but even before the EA, things were bad with us, we were sleeping separately and hardly saw each other.

I would really appreciate some advice, I don't know what I should do and how to make things better now.

DangerMoose Thu 27-Feb-14 16:20:41

It is not your fault. Nothing you did or could do warrants him sexually abusing and attempting to rape you. Do you realise this is what he's doing? His behaviour is not nice or normal in any way.

rainbowsmiles Thu 27-Feb-14 16:26:23

Call it a day. This relationship is over.

DangerMoose Thu 27-Feb-14 16:26:26

Please don't sleep with him, OP. Phone Women's Aid and get advice on how to leave this man. Your post turned my stomach and I'm worried about you.

bestsonever Thu 27-Feb-14 16:31:58

What was behind the breakdown when you last left and why did you not cope? This is what needs addressing, not that you have guilt for accepting his help. What can you do differently when you leave that ensures you will cope? Can you plan better? Perhaps although it did not go so well last time, there may still be lessons you can learn from the experience to ensure that you don't need to lean on your H again.

Nomodrama52 Thu 27-Feb-14 17:06:06

Thank you so much for your replies.

I feel as if I owe it to him to stay and make it work after I had an EA. I fell in love with the om and I think this is why I can't manage to feel anything for dh now.

In bed he keeps trying to touch me and is practically glued to me. I keep moving him off and he comes back.

I've been looking for somewhere else to stay and he found out so he is literally giving me the silent treatment now. He can be very controlling and sly, keeping tabs on me etc. I guess I deserve not to be trusted.

When I moved out last year, I just found it so tough being on my own, I felt very isolated from everyone and everything. The om was a big factor in me having to leave my job. This really brought me to rock bottom. I felt my job gave me confidence and self esteem and leaving it took all that from me.

I feel I have no guts to do anything now. I'm financially dependant on dh and this house is his.

Am I being selfish in not being a 'proper wife' to him after everything I've done to him?

Diagonally Thu 27-Feb-14 17:11:24

What happened with OM? Did he not want to pursue a relationship after you left your H, or was he married too? Did you work together?

Motherhen39 Thu 27-Feb-14 17:23:52

I have been in a similar situation, but without the sexual pressure, in my experience women rarely have affairs if they are emotionally and physically attached to their current partner.

I was married to a really lovely man but as the relationship progressed and I grew up I quite simply didn't want to sleep with him, I was very emotionally attached but not physically. At the end I couldn't bear him near me even though I really wanted things to be right and still loved him.

I left and missed him terribly so when he persuaded me to give it another go I did. I felt I owed him the chance, but without the physical attraction it just didn't work, all I achieved was causing more sadness.

If you know in your heart that you don't want anything physical with him and he wants what you don't want to give you need to leave for both your sakes.

Please talk to someone in RL, as a previous posted mentioned Women's aid will help.

Lweji Thu 27-Feb-14 17:53:39

He is not a nice man if he is pressuring you to have sex with him and even tried to force you.
He certainly doesn't love you.
Is that why he wanted you back?
I wonder if there are other issues that you are not fully aware of.

I do think you should leave him.

Nomodrama52 Thu 27-Feb-14 17:58:29

The om and I worked together, he wanted to pursue a relationship but had his own issues to deal with first. We had a lot of work pressure and that didn't help. The om still wants to be with me but I don't want to go through all that again especially given the situation with dh. I feel making the marriage work is the best solution for the dcs.

Motherhen I completely get what your saying, that's how I feel too, I feel like I should for the sake of the dcs and how things were when we first met.

I don't have anyone to talk to in RL. The thought of being on my own with kids is really really scaring me.

Dh says that once I start sleeping with him, that will help break the ice and we will feel closer... I keep thinking maybe he's right. This might help us?

balia Thu 27-Feb-14 18:10:29

I don't know how it can be useful to enter into a debate about who is more at fault when OP is already tying herself in knots about who deserves what and why. Surely you both deserve honest loving relationships and that isn't what you have. I don't think it is ever good for DC's to have two miserable warring parents creating appalling atmosphere in the family home.

Be honest with him and yourself. you don't love him, you're sorry, and it's over. He'll be hurt but that will be his emotion to deal with, and eventually he'll see it is better to be away from someone who doesn't actually want him. You need to deal with your confidence, self-esteem and your job.

Motherhen39 Thu 27-Feb-14 18:24:17

My EXH said the same thing about sleeping together but without the pressure, but if you don't want to you really shouldn't force yourself.

When I read your post it took me back ten years and I just felt so sad for you. I totally understand the feelings of guilt but it sounds to me as though you know in your heart what you must do.

I still feel sad for the pain I caused by trying to do the right thing time after time, when walking away when I knew it was over would really have been so much kinder.

Lazyjaney Thu 27-Feb-14 18:50:06

What is the point of trying to keep the marriage going if you can't face sex with him? Its unfair on both of you, end it.

rainbowfeet Thu 27-Feb-14 18:56:01

Had similar life experience other than another man.. I left dh we hadn't shared a bed for a year & there was no spark, no affection on my part.. But I still loved him & felt I owed it to dd1 to keep our family together so I went back but in 4 months we had sex once & it was awful... We have now been separated for 5 years divorce going through now.. I did feel tremendous guilt & couldn't understand why I just couldn't pretend for the sake of dd1 but I just couldn't & loving the man, loving being a family wasn't enough..

It is tough as a lone parent I can't lie but life is less stressful, lonely at times but it's good to finally be my own person.. I don't carry as much guilt although when kids say they wish their mum. & dad were still together it pulls on your heart strings.
Exh & I stayed good friends for a long time.. Not so much now but other issues have arisen as they do.. On the whole I feel I made the right decision & although I've not gone on to meet anyone special he has & is happy. grin
Don't stay in such an unhappy relationship... Life's too short to live half a life. thanks

deelite72 Thu 27-Feb-14 19:02:00

You're not in love anymore. Time for both of you to let one another go.

Lweji Thu 27-Feb-14 19:06:27

Dh says that once I start sleeping with him, that will help break the ice and we will feel closer... I keep thinking maybe he's right. This might help us?

Not if you feel forced into it.
Are there any demonstrations of affection?

moonriverandme Thu 27-Feb-14 19:42:10

You must not allow him to blackmail you into sleeping with him, it is not your fault that you don't feel attracted to him any more, you feel how you feel. Your self esteem will be even lower if you sleep with him, and if he reallly cared for you he would try and understand how you feel and suggest ways of working together to see if there was any chance to get your physical relationship back. Forcing you into sex is unacceptable. Is there any chance you could get another job and get financial independence? which would help your self esteem also. Don't blame yourself and don't stay for your children, you have tried and it's time to leave and have a fresh start.

Nomodrama52 Thu 27-Feb-14 21:44:45

I feel gutted that I can't bring back the feelings I once had for him. I hate that I'm responsible for taking the kids away from their father as he really wants us to stay together.

But it's horrible at the moment... So tense and awkward. I'd have to move out of the house and dcs would have to change schools.

It's almost impossible to find a job in the profession I'm in that would allow me to work around the kids.

I feel so scared of being on my own again, never imagined it would get to this point. Breaks my heart to tear apart the family.

Lweji- he used to try and hug me and kiss me randomly and I used to feel pressured to hug him back. I could sometimes force myself to kiss him on his cheek, but I hated doing even that and felt so fake.

Once I leave, I know he will refuse to have any kind of amicable relationship with me for the dcs sake. That makes me even more anxious about the whole thing.

Lweji Thu 27-Feb-14 22:39:16

He really doesn't sound that nice. No wonder you went off him.

Diagonally Thu 27-Feb-14 23:15:16

Imo you do need to leave. This situation is going to destroy you.

So what went wrong when you left before? Was it practical things like finances or did you just feel emotionally unable to cope?

Did you get legal advice then?

perfectstorm Thu 27-Feb-14 23:26:20

I started reading your post feeling desperately sorry for your husband. Then you wrote that he tried to force you to have sex with him.

Are you saying he tried to rape you? Because if so, call Women's Aid. Please. As soon as you possibly can.

Once I leave, I know he will refuse to have any kind of amicable relationship with me for the dcs sake. That makes me even more anxious about the whole thing.

Then he is NOT a good human being. And it also makes a mockery of the "support" he offered you before.

Prior to the ea, me and dh were barely on speaking terms for some time.

Okay. So effectively the marriage was over? It remains over. Your briefly accepting his help and support when very vulnerable aside, he is now trying to bully and force you into sex when he knows absolutely you don't want that. That isn't love. That's pissing on his territory - you being it.

But he has told me I must sleep with him even if I don't want to as he deserves this. He tried to force me to have sex and I just couldn't do it. He has now told me that I have to leave the house if I cannot have a physical relationship with him.

Do you have a daughter? If she comes to you one day and says her partner is saying this to her, what would your response be?

perfectstorm Thu 27-Feb-14 23:28:03

Why, incidentally, would you be the one to have to move? As primary carer surely the best interests of the children would be served if he left, and not you. They could stay in their own homes, attend their normal schools etc. Why should the adult situation take precedence over their needs?

Lweji Thu 27-Feb-14 23:45:55

Indeed, get legal advice.

Nomodrama52 Fri 28-Feb-14 19:03:28

Thank you so much for your replies and advice, it really does mean a lot that there are real people out there willing to help :-)

Perfect storm- I don't have a daughter, but I know what your saying. I would never advise her to do something like that to keep the peace when she didn't want to.
The house we live in is owned by his father so I would have to leave. He tells me every day to pack my stuff and get out of his house. I feel like he's doing me a huge favour by letting me live here.

I get emotional abuse off him on a daily basis. Stuff like I'm ruining the kids lives, I'm going to pay for it for the rest of my life, I'll rot in hell etc etc. I'll be alone, I'll suffer, I'm evil. Nice things like that. It really wears you down and you start questioning your own reasoning constantly.

Diagonally- it was both really, because I left my job, it was financial stress and also I felt really isolated. It's odd because I usually do everything for the kids myself anyway, but when I moved out, it felt all new to me and I was really overwhelmed at the thought of being on my own with dcs for the rest of my life.

In my heart I know I can't stay with him anymore. But I feel as if my legs are made of lead and attached to the floor of this house. I just can't bring myself to DO something to leave.

perfectstorm Fri 28-Feb-14 20:04:33

He tells me every day to pack my stuff and get out of his house. I feel like he's doing me a huge favour by letting me live here.

I get emotional abuse off him on a daily basis. Stuff like I'm ruining the kids lives, I'm going to pay for it for the rest of my life, I'll rot in hell etc etc. I'll be alone, I'll suffer, I'm evil. Nice things like that. It really wears you down and you start questioning your own reasoning constantly.

Jesus, and he also tried to force you into sex? Please, please call Women's Aid - this is a deeply abusive relationship. Has he ever been violent to objects in your presence, or to you? Not that it really matters, tbh, given the levels of psychological terrorism you are describing here.

You may not have a daughter but you do have sons - do you want them growing up believing this is how to treat the women in their lives? No wonder you sought an emotional escape route via an emotional connection with someone who was nice to you. sad And no wonder you crashed when finally free of him - sadly he then tried the classic Hoover Manoeuvre.

Please, please call WA. This is not a life, it's being in a cage.

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