I feel so lonely in my marriage

[Louise2101]

This is my first mumsnet post so forgive me if I don't get all the abbreviations. I have been with my husband for 8 years and we have a 6 year old son. He went working abroad over the summer for over 3 months and during that time I felt loney but was so busy with work and caring for our son that the quiet time in the evenings was sometimes comforting.

Since he came back in September I have been lonelier if that's makes any sense?

He is obsessed with the gym and was going 5 nights a week and sometimes at the weekend. If he is not at the gym then he is working late - so late that he sleeps in the spare room because he doesn't want to wake me - I am a light sleeper and don't do well without my sleep.

I nearly walked out a month ago after numerous fights about being left on my own in the evenings. He begged me to stay and arranged to work 2 days per week from home so he can go to the gym during his lunch break and the plan was to spend the evening with me. So far I've had one or two evenings with him and he even said that he was bored.

I am a strong minded woman who works full time and is fiercely independent but lately I feel like a pathetic soppy female craving for her husbands attention. All I want to do is curl up on the sofa and watch tv and drink tea. I would settle for 2 nights per week but tonight is supposed to be my night in with him and he is working. I am really tearful and emotional and feel so alone.

I don't want to leave him because i love him and want to be with him but surely being alone would be better than feeling rejected or so far down the pecking order that I feel about 2 feet high.

I also really want another baby but he is happy with his life the way it is....

He is a good father and helps around the house when I nag, which I hate doing but I am not sure how much more of this I can take.

Sorry for the rant but I need some advise - anyone else felt like this???

[Minime85]

I think we have probably all felt that way at some point in our relationships. could you sit and talk about how you feel together? maybe with a councillor will help?

[WotchOotErAPolis]

You sound really down since he came back, but sounds to me as if his gym is becoming an obsession. You have to talk to him about how you feel. Second best to gym equipment is not good.

I often feel I can't talk to my DH but when I do, it's never as bad as I anticipated. He often reacts just the way I think he will, but calmer if that makes sense. If you don't talk about your feelings they will fester and you will end up blowing your top, which is when you're most likely to say and do things you regret. God knows, I certainly have!

Is he keeping busy at work to keep your income flowing and needs the gym to de-stress? He may be under pressure to bring home good money and feel he can't talk to you as he doesn't want to worry you? However, daily gym is not necessary and it is keeping him from you, and your son, so he has to find a balance. 3x a week is perfectly adequate and gives his family 4x a week to spend time?

Please try to talk to him. You may argue about it at first but better out in the open?

You may feel lonely but there's always mumsnet - it's what we're here for.

[Louise2101]

I have tried talking and shouting and screaming and all the other ways of communicating. We both work full time and earn good money so that's not it. He is stressed at work...I should probably be more supportive. I sometimes have to work late as well but I always make it up to him and my son. I know marriage needs to be worked at but surely it shouldn't feel like this?

The gym thing is a disaster! He has agreed to work from home 2 days per week so he still gets to train 5 days a week. He has said its 5 times a week or nothing

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The whole point of being married or in a long-term relationship surely is that it's a balance between private and shared time? If someone's never home despite having been asked (or shouted at) to find a better balance, it's because they don't want to spend time with you. I don't personally think a marriage should be 'worked at' to this extent. You either enjoy each other's company or you don't. Very simple.

[Minime85]

does he getting obsessive about things like that generally so could it almost be something that in a few months fades away? my ex was really like that and it was all consuming. for a few months it would be running then it would be biking etc. he had always been like it though. but it was very frustrating and is part of how we grew apart so much it couldn't be fixed.

[FrogGreen]

I'm not very clever about these things and I'm sure someone cleverer will be along in a minute... and not to frighten you... but you sound so unhappy and it has been months for you now... have you wondered whether there is someone else? Could he have formed an emotional attachment with someone else, even if not an actual affair? if it were me in that situation i'd be thinking of ways to snoop on his phone and emails

[DarlingGrace]

Gym obsessed. Has he become an adrenalin junkie? If he is doing that level of working out, you can't just stop. It needs to gradually reduce. His body is functioning on the endorphins. Is he bulking up? Do you think he could be taking steroids? I'm just asking, especially if he is moody.

[Quitelikely]

My dh goes to the gym after work some nights but this only takes an extra hour so it's not too bad. How much of your evening is it taking away? Surely it's not that long? It does seem like he is acting like a single guy

[mashedpotatohead]

My exh was obsessed with the 'Insanity' craze which is a 6 days a week programme. I was already being rejected by him for the two months leading up to this. I sounded like you though op, I thought I should support him he works hard & gets stressed etc

The bottom line is he's not giving you even the basic needs in your relationship. He's being selfish & self absorbed.

Trust me from one that knows being alone would be better than feeling rejected. Its blooming hard but your life is important too. Good Luck x

[MillyBlods]

Agree with Cognito . If he wanted to spend time with you he would be with you. Something is not right here.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

he is happy with his life the way it is...

That's the beginning and end of this, I'm afraid.

He is happy with his life the way it is.

He doesn't care that you aren't happy. He doesn't care about what you want.

He is taking the vast, vast majority of the childfree time available between you as though it is his right to do that.

There is nothing to talk about here.

Take it or leave it.

I'd be leaving personally. It sounds utterly shit.

[MadBusLady]

Are you sure he's at the gym/working late?

He sounds a lot like he's checking out of the marriage to me.

Side issue, but you shouldn't have to "nag" someone to "help" around the house. It's his house too!

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

He has said its 5 times a week or nothing

Why didn't you say "OK then, I pick nothing."

Seriously, my 4 year old tries this on me and it's so ridiculous.

"Can I have some sweets."

"No, you can have an apple if you're hungry"

"Sweets or nothing!"

"I'm going to go for nothing." :o

[MillyBlods]

So could he be having an affair rather than being at the gym or working

[TinselTownley]

minime85, and OP this was a major problem with my ex too. Obsessive running, cycling and working out to the point where we all had to fit in with it. The only way we could spend time as a family was to stand in the rain while he trained. He still can't see how odd this was and I suspect never will. Does he understand on any level that he wouldn't be able to train excessively if you were not caring for the children, or is that beyond him?

My brother's are both keen amateur athletes but manage to get the balance right. They used to try and talk my ex down from his hyper regime but his response was to say, quite openly, that this was because they were less physically capable than him (utter rot - as times and performance markers showed).

I am now beginning to see that the exercise was just part of a deeper problem of a real conflict between how he wanted to be seen from the outside and his inability to meet his own standards. He wanted people to see him as a great supportive father, breadwinner and super-fit new man but, in reality, he can't take the responsibility of any of those things on an ongoing basis. He controlled what he could through the exercise then resented and blamed me, colleagues, family etc for his inability to keep up his pace in the other areas.

In short, he will either start noticing your unhappiness and open up or continue to withdraw into the one area of his life he feels he can control absolutely. I would suggest counselling and measure his reaction. If he agrees but then puts the gym above that too, I think you might need to accept that another baby might come in another, healthier relationship a couple of years down the line.

[Louise2101]

Thanks so much for all the support and advice. I am really overwhelmed.

I honestly believe he is not cheating and I am going to try and talk to him again.

I don't want to believe that my marriage is over for his stupid gym!

Maybe counselling is a good idea. Has anyone had any experience of marriage counselling???

[MillyBlods]

Hi Louise....did he go to the gym before he went away for the three months or is this a new thing. It does seem odd that he is either at the gym or working late and then sleeping in the spare room. You say it is to not wake you up but most men would look forward to the comfort and contact of getting into bed with their oh at the end of the day.