Is there any way to stop my ex from acting like an arse?

[feelingvunerable]

Hello

I've-posted before and don't really know what I'm hoping to get from it. Just need to post really, I've spoken to friends and they all tell me the same thing that my ex is a complete twat and that I do too much for my kids.

The latest is that he refuses point blank to take them anywhere they need to go, including picking my dd up from her part time job. We live in the sticks she finishes late at night, too far to walk, very lonely country lane and no buses but above all he got her the job!

Even though I do the vast majority he refuses to do even a tiny amount, he would rather her get the sack I suppose.

I have tried to speak to dd about it, suggesting that she doesn't play ball when he wants to parade her in front of ow family which all seems just for show.

I don't have a problem with my dcs seeing their dad or ow but everything seems to be entirely on his terms, they are a nightmare when they come home and I know this is their reaction to the separation.

All he seems to care about are ow kids and it is heartbreaking to witness.

He didn't give our eldest dd a thing for her birthday , yet here he is again after telling dd2 that he will not take her where she needs to be this weekend but can she come to ow daughter birthday party which he has arranged!

Last week he held a party for her youngest daughter and too my dcs to it.
He promised our dcs to take him to a football match for his birthday, this was several months ago, he still hasn't.


I know I should zone out and believe me I try but I am livid at his twattishness.

We were married for 20 years and all our dcs were planned and yet he behaves in this way.

Oh and he left us in debt but spends lavish amounts on ow and her dcs but tells mine that he cannot afford the petrol to take them anywhere!

Sorry for long post thanks for reading any advice at all or thoughts welcome.

[Melonbreath]

Answer to your question, no. You cannot stop him being an arse.

I would just disengage as much as possible. The less you rely on him for the less he can let you down.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

As Melon sad no you can't stop him behaving like this, by relying on him less it will upset you less. You just have to do your best for the children and leave him to get on with it. I have been in a similar situation and now DD has voted with her feet.

[Lweji]

You could have a fallout and your dd could decide to move in with him.

[Lweji]

Or she could decide it's safer to walk to his house.

[feelingvunerable]

Dd doesn't want to move in with him. He doesn't have his own place, just stays with ow and her dcs, there isn't room for my dcs.

Walking to where ow lives is same village same so still dark and lonely and a long walk.

Dd went to babysit last night. They didn't pay her AND he let her walk home alone in the dark!

I know it's hard for dd but I told her she needed paying and to stop letting her dad use her in this way.


She says I am as bad as him which isn't t true, if it were then she wouldn't get to and from work or be looked after.

Friend says I should cut down on what I do for dcs but I don't want to feel like they are being punished.

[feelingvunerable]

On top of this he no longer takes them to their activities which takes up a lot of my time.

[Lweji]

She doesn't want to move in, of course. But she could show up there and become his problem.
I bet he'd relish then taking them out to activities and dive them home.
Or cut all contact.

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

Your DC are getting it from both sides - he's being an utter arse and you are reacting to that, and trying to tell your DD how she should react/deal with her dad. You do need to step back and let your DC make up their own minds on their dad, and how he is with them. He'll lose them eventually if he keeps this up but that is entirely down to him, not you. The hardest lesson we all learn when a relationship breaks down you no longer have any say/influence in what your ex says or does, and the effect that has on your DC. You job now is to simply help/support them deal with that effect but in a non-interfering way. It's hard seeing your DV hurt/confused/feeling rejected but you simply have no influence over how that happens or why. For your own sake and sanity, you need to accept that and leave things between your DC and their dad. Be their mum, support them, but let them deal with their dad in their own way.

[Jess03]

Yes I think you have to let dd figure out she's being used herself and just support her sympathetically. I hate being told what to do even when I know the person is right and I especially hate advice from my mum as she never gives up. Your dd is also feeling torn loyalty, stop slating ex dp even though he's an arsehat and disengage. Let her figure out for herself who's always there for her.

[LadyGardenersQuestionTime]

what a twat

Try to differentiate

1. between him generally being an arse (not paying DD, reneging on promises) and you doing stuff you shouldn't have to (picking up the kids when it's his job/turn), then
   
2. between doing things for your children and doing things that help him. So if DD needs that job, and needs picking up and taking to, then you are doing it for her not for him.
   
   Ignore/disengage from the general arseness - that's why you're divorced, thank goodness. Find a suitable phrase for the DCs that doesn't slag him off overtly but indicates your disapproval - e.g 'it's his choice what he does, you might choose to do differently if it were you'
   
   Make sure your DCs know you will help them as much as is reasonable (e.g. make sure they get to their activities) but resolutely refuse to do anything that helps him (e.g. ferry dd to be a free babysitter for him).
   
   And just wait. It won't last forever.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I think the first thing you need to do is stop having a go at your kids about their dad. It must be bad enough for them dealing with him without you talking them what to do and say and criticising him. In my experience, kids work it all out soon enough without you sticking the knife in

And no, tut can't stop him being an arsehole. You can only change your reaction to it. Disengage. You seem to know an awful lot about what goes on at the OW's house! Stop! Let it go or you'll drive yourself mad!

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this lowlife. It sucks.

[PotteringAlong]

To be honest, you both sound like arses.

You are telling your daughter how to behave with her dad, to stop doing things, what to say. Surely if she's old enough to have a job she's old enough to make up her own mind?

Stop involving your children in petty mind games and arguments.

[feelingvunerable]

Thanks for all your comments.


I have tried to disengage believe me, then the dcs ask me to speak to their dad on their behalf, which I will no longer do.

I have tried not to comment or slag him off to them, they do that themselves. It is just so hard because he is hurting them.

You are all right, although pottering if I were as bad as him then my dcs would have starved by now, hence csa involvement and our family home on the verge of repossession thanks to the ex, but that's another thread.

Please someone tell me this will get easier as every time I try to move on he seems to do something to get right under my skin.

[BitOutOfPractice]

He only gets under your skin if you allow him to.

Repeat to yourself IT DOESNT MATTER. HE DOESNT MATTER.

say it out loud.

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

It will get easier. You are clearly still hurting and it's hard to detach when he still knows how to get to you. You need to take the focus off him and back onto you and your DC, concentrating on how you can all move on and make life better for yourselves. I don't mean that in a 'time to get over it' kind of way. I mean start looking at what you all need/want and how to go about getting that, without including or thinking about how your ex fits into the logistics, be that financially or around contact etc. Make plans for your life, and move forward with those. It's hard when he's still on the periphery chipping away, but when you can simply block that white noise out life will get easier.

[ivykaty44]

You need to disengage and also you need to stop getting caught in the middle of this as your children are complianing you are as bad but they are playing you off each other...

So disengage and if they mention there dad then you say its for you to sort out with him

If your dad can work then she is old enough to learn from her own mistakes so let her