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A silly, rambling dilemma

(96 Posts)
gabrielleblue Sun 09-Feb-14 17:22:45

I started a relationship with a guy about 6 months ago, casually at first but we certainly developed deep feelings for each other and said that we are in love with eachother.. Just before Christmas he had a stroke and I was at his bedside throughout, even though friends told me this was the perfect opportunity to walk away and they advised me to because of his situation. I stayed because I wanted to. He is a man who has been unemployed for a couple of years and was sinking into a depression due to his lack of employment and dire finances anyway. With the damage from the stroke (left side paralysis, but gradually getting better) he is in an even less likely position to find work. He literally has no money. I do have money, but he doesn't want to accept anything from me. He is in a very real situation of not being able to afford rent in the next few weeks and there is every chance he will be made homeless. In that case he would have no option but to return to his family (as a charity case) for shelter. This is an intelligent man who has never considered the future, having had a series of well paid jobs, but spending all his reserves during his bouts of unemployment.
The other issue is that relationship wise he is so unstable. Or at least has been until we met. Very much at a downturn in his life - which of course got even worse with his health problems. He called himself a retired player, has spent the vast amount of his time and money in various strip clubs (the only way to actually have drinks with beautiful women he said) but, and in a way I believe him, that was all it was. We started having sex about 3 weeks after meeting. We have been together every night since then and the sex has been very lovely for both of us - he says best ever for him -even since the stroke. Very prudish (he calls it gentlemanly) about anything like a sext. Won't do it, so some of me really believes the strip clubs were 'company' for him as he's never had a long term relationship. More red flags: right now I am on an extended business trip and our texts to eachother have dried up somewhat. We tend not to talk on the phone. I have just noticed many flirtatious comments on facebook between him and a woman he has recently met through a friend. He doesn't know I know about these, and I am not sure whether to make anything of it anyway. But since he is housebound, and she lives many miles away, I doubt anything is happening in real life.
So there are many reasons to walk away now, before I am even more drawn to him. This is a just a silly ramble really, but the truth is that I am in love with him, even though it makes no sense at all, and feel that I should offer my home and money to him till he recovers a little more and can get back on his own feet. However, if he is really still playing the field, even if it is just by Facebook or texting, I don't want to be taken advantage of.

antimatter Sun 09-Feb-14 17:27:38

I doubt anything is happening in real life - how about emotional affair?
whether he is doing it because he can or because he feels you may be splitting from him it is wrong thing to do if you are a couple.

Let's not make excuses for the state of his health.

gabrielleblue Sun 09-Feb-14 17:33:40

But if someone flirts all the time because it is in their nature to do so, do you think the other person in the relationship ought to accept it as part of their personality. I don't think this new flirtation is anything as much as an emotional affair. Some of me thinks he is bored and trying to get back to what was 'normal' behaviour for him before the stroke and before we met

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Feb-14 17:33:51

Love? Whatever you're feeling... lust?.... you'll have to ignore or you'll get taken for a fool. Don't under any circumstances offer your home and money to someone you've only known six months, therefore. He said He's well enough to take advantage of your short absence to flirt with other women, his texts have already dried up and that story he told you about going to strip clubs for 'gentlemanly' company is a pile of horseshit. He was unemployed for two years before the stroke. He's a chancer.

When your friends advised you to walk away when he was in the hospital I suspect it's because they'd already pegged him for being dodgy. Maybe have another chat with them. Ask what they really think of him

antimatter Sun 09-Feb-14 17:42:32

I don't get this "flirt is in their nature" b***it
why would I settle for inappropriate behaviour?

if someone is with me - they don't need to flirt with someone whilst stopping communication with me.

Please use this chance to finish this relationship.
There are many men you can have sex with, no need to be taken advantage of too.

Cabrinha Sun 09-Feb-14 17:45:46

Why is it acceptable to you to have a partner who first with other women?

So what if it's only on line, he won't meet them, you accept some crazy bullshit reason you've offered up for him on a plate about getting his old self back?

Who wants that old self?

Please - WHY would you accept your partner flirting with someone?

And this is deliberate messaging, not someone who say "hiya gorgeous" to the woman they get served by every week in the corner shop.

This man cares this much: > < (i.e. not a lot) about you if he'll flirt with other women.

Tell him to get to fuck. FGS don't get drawn in becUse he's unwell - he's still an arsehole.

This "not in real life" thing is utter crap. It is in real life - it's in YOUR real life. Why would it ever be OK?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Feb-14 17:47:34

Anyone describing themselves as a 'retired player' is a knob. He can't hold down a job or a relationship, he declares love remarkably early but flirts with other people as soon as your back is turned and .... surprise surprise.... needs money. No 'retired' about it, is there?

gabrielleblue Sun 09-Feb-14 17:48:17

Thank you Cogito - wise words as ever
I am sure you are right, but just a small part of me thinks he does love me - and certainly needs me. I have had such a secure, financially stable life up till now, but recently divorced, am starting to make a new life. And potentially bad decisions . Oh dear.... It is certainly lust. And I am not really sure he falls into the category of chancer since, at the moment, he is not taking anything financially from me. It's just a very different lifestyle he has lived from mine. No provisions for the future and no attachments. He told me he was happy like that when we first met, but as I've got to know him more, he said that was a wall he put up. He says he loves me, my company, etc

gabrielleblue Sun 09-Feb-14 17:48:48

Thank you Cogito - wise words as ever
I am sure you are right, but just a small part of me thinks he does love me - and certainly needs me. I have had such a secure, financially stable life up till now, but recently divorced, am starting to make a new life. And potentially bad decisions . Oh dear.... It is certainly lust. And I am not really sure he falls into the category of chancer since, at the moment, he is not taking anything financially from me. It's just a very different lifestyle he has lived from mine. No provisions for the future and no attachments. He told me he was happy like that when we first met, but as I've got to know him more, he said that was a wall he put up. He says he loves me, my company, etc

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Feb-14 17:52:45

He sees you as a lonely, naive woman who is well set-up and very sympathetic. You see him as this romantic 'alternative' figure with his 'walls' and his 'gentlemanly' nights at a strip club struck down by illness and in need of affection. Of course he hasn't asked you for money specifically because he hasn't had to. You are this close to turning over your home and savings!!! Please get your head out of the fantasy and start thinking straight.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 09-Feb-14 17:55:26

Pity he didn't save some of the vast amounts of money he spent in strip clubs for just such an eventuality as being unemployed or too unwell to work for a long period of time.

He called himself a "retired player"... Really? I'm cringing for him.

There's so many red flags flying around your post I can hardly see it.

Let him go live with family. Don't give him a penny. I suspect your relationship will fizzle out, it sounds like it's starting to already.

Cabrinha Sun 09-Feb-14 17:56:33

He is a chancer.
In fact, that's a nice word almost, isn't it? A bit, jack the lad, ooooh isn't he a card, bit if a one...
How about con artist?
Which is what he is if he takes from you when deliberately lying about his own feelings. Which he has done - you do not love someone, and flirt with a new woman, all in the 6 month period when you should be on a high!

And he has taken from you, emotionally.
The moment he becomes a chancer / con artist isn't when you sign over the first cheque... It's the
moment he starts preparing the groundwork.
Which he has done already.

Putting walls up? Bloody hell, he's a player and we women are often so easily played aren't we? Been there. Oh! He had walls, but our loves broke them down...

Please - choose someone who likes you enough not to flirt with other women. You know you don't trust him, because you're already checking up on his messages.

antimatter Sun 09-Feb-14 17:56:48

Don't try to "rescue him"!

how long have you been single?
it is OK to want to be in a relationship

it's not OK to be sleepwalking into a disastrous set up

don't offer him your house - too soon, too much of a commitment

gabrielleblue Sun 09-Feb-14 17:59:00

No, I guess this is all hopeless and so many red flags. But so upsetting when you do begin to really fall for someone. I didn't want to judge about his lack or job or money. Those are his life choices, not mine. And this was never intended to be a serious relationship. Just that I don't want to not see him again. Even though I know it's probably for the best. I always knew that flirting/looking at other women was part of him. He never denied it or sought to hide that side of him. I found it playful and amusing because it was so different to my ex. It's not that I'm unattractive myself. I do get lots of interest, but because I am so keen on him at the moment, I turn everything down. I guess his stroke and general helplessness ought to have been seen as a huge intervention from something out in the universe seeking to protect me!

AnyFucker Sun 09-Feb-14 18:02:50

Holy Christ

The stuff that some women will romanticise for the sake of a relationship !

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Feb-14 18:09:45

Really... if you're back in the dating game and don't want to be taken for a ride, do judge someone for their employment or financial status. Judge them for their behaviour. Judge them for how they choose to spend their spare time and with whom. Judge them if their default setting is to flirt with others! i.e Keep your judgement switched on at all times and for all kinds of pointers because otherwise you're going to get hurt again.

Cabrinha Sun 09-Feb-14 18:10:17

You know that not hiding his being a "retired player" <vom> has fuck all to do with honesty, don't you?

He told you for three reasons:
1. So that you can't complain because you knew what he was like
2. So that if you don't self chastise and do complain, he can say "love, it's me, I told you that, I'm an honest guy"
3. He can test your boundaries. You already proved to him that your boundaries are way too low. He knows you're potentially a soft touch for further shit, because you've already accepted some.

You say you're falling for him. See him for what he is. Still falling for him?

I repeat your own info: he has met another woman and instantly started flirting with her. That is how much he cares about you. He's an ARSEHOLE.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 09-Feb-14 18:10:59

How old is this guy?

I have a mental image of some creepy Peter Stringfellow type.

gabrielleblue Sun 09-Feb-14 18:11:18

I know... I'm actually a very sharp and cynical person myself normally, but obviously something am has come over me. Only thing is: do I let him know that I know about his messages to the other/new woman, or just not answer his texts to me and let him figure it out for himself. As I said, no money not offer of my house has been accepted, so I am not 'in too deep' financially, but very much do emotionally. Still, I'm in my 40s (and do is he by the way) so I can certainly try and move on.

Do retired players ever really retire? Does it even matter if you like certain aspects if someone but not all. Sad to think of them old and lonely. Guess they don't see themselves that way

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Feb-14 18:12:36

As my best friend says.... 'when your fanny's on fire, your brains go out of the window'. grin

PeppermintPasty Sun 09-Feb-14 18:13:53

All the way through this i was learning a lot about him, and I spat my wine at him calling himself a player. Come on!

What about you? How come you're so accepting of all this crap? What's going on with you? There's nothing wrong with wanting a bit of excitement etc, but a stable life starts to look mighty attractive when some "player" is getting his kicks elsewhere. I don't think he's retired, I'm afraid.

I say this with love but really, cop on to yourself love. You are sounding like a besotted teenager angsting over the bad boy in 4b.

gabrielleblue Sun 09-Feb-14 18:17:35

Thank you for all your comments. They are incredibly useful as I sit here and try and harden myself up.

antimatter Sun 09-Feb-14 18:22:19

did he by any chance as "retired player" meant that he would play women up?
so he presents himself as never been in a relationship yet dated few at the same time?

gabrielleblue Sun 09-Feb-14 18:24:13

I don't know why I'm so accepting. Recently divorced and after long and relatively happy marriage that just fizzled out (no hard feelings or longing to get back with each other there) to a successful and driven guy who worked hard and provided well, I feel that this man is the total opposite. And because I'm not looking for children, or someone to support me, thought I could do as I like. But you are all right - and I can't be the lone voice of dissent here even though it is my life - or if I am I need it drummed out of me. Funny thing is he thinks I am such a winner and he doesn't deserve me. I didn't want to judge or be judged. Just wanted to do what felt good, right and natural, so the financial side of things was not an issue as I thought it was the right thing to do. The new flirting has definitely upset me though and led to me writing these posts to get come clarity/sense talked into me.

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