Just can't accept trips away with the lads!

[Damnhot72]

I know some women don't mind their partner going away regularly with the lads, but I just don't like it, I've tried to question myself go over it in my head but it never has been something that sat comfortable with me.

I've been with my bf for over a year now, and this is the main problem for me, we don't live together so don't see a lot of each other though I'm fine with that. But there just seems to be a lads trip away every 3 months or so, a few in this country somewhere, others are abroad. They're all in their 40's now so not young lads and it's all about drinking copious amounts of alcohol and watching football and were as my bf may not be unfaithful as far as I know, I know others are womanisers and heard various stories of women joining them having a laugh etc. although I trust him there is always that doubt in my head. In the past I've been cheated on by bfs going away to Blackpool etc. I know that's the past but I don't know I'm just finding it hard. Don't forget on top of this there is other nights out with the lads which I don't mind so much I do understand they need this time etc as do I but I can not afford to go away like he does if I do it's to see an old school friend, nor do I really have that craving to want to go away like he does. I'm just wanting people's opinions really would you accept this, is it just the norm ? What would you do about it, sometimes I just wonder if it would be best to just end it let him do what he wants I don't want to turn into the nagging girlfriend or have to put up with all the stress I feel when he does go away.

[Casmama]

He is an adult and entitled to make his own decisions, as are you.
His decisions are around whether to go away with the lads knowing how you feel about it and your decision is whether or not to continue in the relationship.
Do you see yourself living with him at any point? If you don't see that you will become a higher priority to him in future then I would end it.

[Damnhot72]

I think it would just make me miserable in the end, it will make me miserable to end it though as it's been a good relationship but years of this will just grind me down. I guess I will get over it though it just seemsi with relationships , different guy different shit and I've just had enough of them feeling sad :-(

[AnswersThroughHaiku]

Far too controlling,
Would you accept same from him?
If not, have a think.

[Damnhot72]

No I'm certainly not controlling that exactly why I would leave him. I haven't got a controlling bone in my body not once have I said you can't go, I just can't help how I feel not his fault MINE like someone else doesn't like porn, I don't mind like someone else don't like their partner going out to a lap dance club I don't mind. I just don't like his weekends or weeks away with other womanisers, if I was controlling I would be telling him what he could or could not do. I don't EVER we both have our own lives and believe me I know what controlling is I have been in many controlling relationships which involved telling me what I could or could not wear, when I could go shopping on my own. So let's be clear not controlling just can't accept something in a relationship. Which will make us both miserable .

[maleview70]

Then you need to leave him. You can't stop him and your jealousy is going to eat away at you.

[Offred]

You need to stop picking immature misogynist wankers to be in a relationship with tbh.

[DarlingGrace]

Certainly I've never stopped DH going away on his golf holidays. I quite enjoy my time alone. I go away if I want to.

When we were first married, I was taken aside by some of his friends wives and told I was letting the side down, that I gave him too much freedom, that their husbands would be expecting the same! All very controlling.

If you haven't got trust then you haven't got a relationship. So it's pointless being with him.

[starfishmummy]

You don't live together; you see him as a "partner" but I am not sure that is how he sees you.

[BigPawsBrown]

If you have doubt you don't trust him.

[Backinthering]

I wouldn't like this at all either, but he sounds unlikely to change. Best pick someone you are more compatible with.

[susiedaisy]

He's in his forties and not living with you. He gets the best of both worlds. Think you might be fighting a losing battle to try to change him!

[Damnhot72]

Yeh I agree I've had it with trying to change men, you can't. I have met some these lads he goes away with and SOME are just so immature and egotistical and just think the world owes them something, some however are married with kids. It just doesn't help when u see the company they keep and know that they use the time to be unfaithful.

If it was for a occasional stag night or a big birthday or something you know an occasional going away event I could live with it but just willy nilly I just can't he likes it I don't simple really. It won't leave my mind, surely there's some grown up men about . Nights out yes, weekend playing golf yes, meet the lads in the pub for footy and a drink or 2 but weekends away with womanisers I can't deal with..... :-( thanks for your thoughts guys x

[ALittleStranger]

You're being unreasonable.

Either you have cause not to trust him, in which case why are you with him? Or you don't, in which case it's not fair to take out your issues on someone else's social life. You've been together a year, you don't live together, he's not your partner and yet you want to control him?

[rainbowsmiles]

Wouldn't be for me. There is nothing wrong with having expectations of your relationship. It doesn't make you controlling to expect to be prioritised over his friends. Everyone is different as you say. I'd also be pissed off if my dh wanted to go to lap dancing clubs because it would say something about the type of character he is and I want to love and respect him and couldn't if he was into lap dancing clubs.

Similarly I find the whole lads culture a bit pathetic, like grown up men behaving like teens. So if he wanted to do that I wouldn't like him much.

Maybe you should be clear as to your expectations and not be afraid to say what you want. Equally if he says it's an important element to the essence of him then you know where you stand and go find a man who hasn't got stuck in his youth.

[Offred]

Think this idea of "the lads" often goes hand in hand with shit misogynistic behaviour tbh. Yes the culture is pervasive and some people (men and women) get swept into it without thinking but if I were you I'd sack this one off and try to find someone who doesn't divide people by gender/hang out with misogynists who enjoy using women for thrills.

What you say about giving up trying to change men is incredibly strange. Why would you pick someone you don't like and try to make them different?! You're right you should give this up.

This behaviour is not male behaviour btw, you don't have to put up with it. Some men behave like dicks, some women behave like dicks. Just find a good one, don't pick a bad one because you think they are all like that and then try to change them.

[Oblomov]

YABU. But then I always encourage dh to go out, be it to a local pub or overnight abroad.
What is it exactly that bothers you?
If you don't trust him. But you don't live with him. Then presumably he 'could' sleep with another woman, any day of the week, in the pub down the road. But that doesn't bother you? It's the stag weekend bit? I don't get your logic.
Yes it could be a boy easier for him to sleep with someone else in Blackpool or Amsterdam. Rather than local. But if you really are worried that this is an issue, ten the core problem is that you think he will cheat. You don't trust him.
THAT is you main problem.
Finish with him. This is going nowhere. Your jealousy will kill this, eventually.

[BuggersMuddle]

Is it perhaps the friends rather than the actual going away (if they're a bunch of middle aged drunken womanisers).

Because there is a certain truth in 'you can judge someone by the company they keep'

[ALittleStranger]

Which goes back to Offred's very good point; if all the evidence points to the boyfriend just being a bit of a dick, why plan to change him rather than just walking away?

You don't buy a pair of jeans and then spend years trying to alter them into a bikini.

[Pagwatch]

It comes dwn to whether you trust him and whether you can accept that that is how he behaves.
Dh goes away with friends. They go golfing, or to Vegas, they are going to Hong Kong in a few months.

They are his friends. They probably drink too much but they have a great time. I like him to enjoy himself. I trust him completely and we have been happily married for 25 years. He has been friends with most of them for 20 years and whilst I expect some of them have 'pulled' whilst away, that's not my concern.

It's your choice. If it bothers you because you think they are drinking and pulling trips then you probably ought to go your separate ways.

[Offred]

I think you may have been sucked into the "lads/girls" culture yourself maybe. Might be why you have ended up with him.

The idea that men are pathetic, sexually incontinent, emotionally insensitive, toddlers who have to be constantly policed and mothered and limited by their female partners, who drink wine together and shop and complain and think of ways to trick the men into doing what they want them to, whilst the men try to think of ways to get out from "under the thumb", and that this is just how men are and how relationships between men and women are, is a very strong message in that "lads/girls" culture. It may be partly responsible for this picking of crap men and then wanting to change them thing...

[DarlingGrace]

You aren't cohabiting with him.
Really what he does with his spare time is his business.

[Offred]

But yes, broadly I agree that you cannot and should not be trying to change or control him. He's just not right for you, that's all that matters. He wants to live a single live with the benefit of regular sex and at best can be subject to suspicion that he doesn't altogether recognise that women are people.

[noddyholder]

I think to end the relationship because of his friends and trips away etc is controlling. It is taking away from him relationship he is probably very happy in because you are uncomfortable.

[DarlingGrace]

I agree with Pagwatch I know some of DHs mates have had ONS on golf holidays. However it isn't my business and I trust DH.

[DarlingGrace]

Reading back, all of the OPs posts - it isn't so much about approving or disapproving , it's because she doesn't like going away/doesn't have the money to do so herself, so the whole relationship will never work because they have different values and probably different incomes.