Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do you practice safe sex with oral?

(65 Posts)
mmonroe Fri 31-Jan-14 22:47:42

Genuine question.

My very long term relationship ended a little while ago. I am just thinking of the future and potentially meeting someone else.

Of course I want to practice safe sex and use condoms but I have no idea how oral sex is performed safely. Is it done over the condom?

Can anyone advise as apart from asking a new partner to produce a doctor's note of his sexual health, I don't know what else to do.

shthappens Fri 14-Feb-14 17:37:47

Couldn't read this without commenting.

Am recently divorced after being married for 20 years. Met a guy I really liked and began a lovely relationship. We both had full testing at GUM clinic... luckily everything came back negative...

We had sex, without any protection (I have a coil so wasn't worried about pregnancy)....I have now contracted herpes. It doesn't show positive in tests. He says he didn't know he had it. I believe him fwiw. (his reaction to his first outbreak was proof enough).

I'm not with him anymore....and it wasn't related to that happening...it lasted a while but ended mutually...

And now, I'm left with the herpes. As my name says sh*t happens.

We both thought we were being careful. I had only been with my husband, and doubt it had been dormant for over 20 years.

Does it matter what the odds are?

Joysmum Fri 14-Feb-14 09:43:38

beachside

I don't know why you feel the need to convert those of us who prefer to err on the side of caution and so increase our risks, no matter how small you see them as being? My own experience tells me most people agree with you and out the pleasure ahead of the risk.

As I said before, we are all adults here and are all responsible for our own sexual health. It's up to the individual to decide what's right for them based on their judgement. Of course any one of us could could argue that we are far more likely to be killed on the roads and so should avoid cars!

Talking about contraception and protection is a great way to see if the person you are considering having sex with is worth it. Sex is fun, but even a one night stand requires standards and I'd rather be with somebody considerate of feelings, even if they don't agree with the risks. Of course this stance will weed people out, but that's the idea. Sex is fun but standards are about self respect. You have your standards and that's fine, not everyone will agree with you.

Yes beachside it was luck! Are you for real? And you know that chlamydia can cause infertility don't you? Fucking hell.

Seriously, I'm with you on not fancying sex gloves or oral dams, and I'd rather take my chances or not have sex. But to belittle the risk of contracting stis and suggests that protection is unnecessary is stupid. Do you apply that same logic and not bother with condoms?

And cricket - I notice you post again when someone agrees with you, but didn't respond to any other previous posts addressing you. Would you care to?

cricketnut77 Thu 13-Feb-14 23:31:32

Yes beach side. And how man of that 94k got an sti through oral? Less than 5% I'd bet. And we are talking about dams? More likely to be hit by a bus

beachside Thu 13-Feb-14 23:22:25

Interesting........

94,000 women in England contracted an STI in 2012 (excluding Chlamydia, 213,000 if you do, but hey, a 7 day course of antibiotics isn't really going to change anyones life too drastically)

Numbers of females in England in 2012, 27 million. We also know that the big numbers in the infection group come from the under 24 age sector.

Wow, with odds like those, Mums better keep the oral dams and gloves on at all times, and make sure we keep a bottle of antiseptic with us when we go on dates. Never know what you might, or might not, catch.

Sources;
http://www.medicalobserver.com.au/news/detecting-and-treating-chlamydia
http://www.hpa.org.uk/Topics/InfectiousDiseases/InfectionsAZ/STIs/STIsAnnualDataTables/#1._STI_Report

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trivialising this topic, but come on, how many people have sex of all varieties - casual, ONS, FB, cheaters, singles moving on, rampant players, innocent partners to cheaters, prostitution et al with how many other people per year, and exactly HOW low are the rates of infections?

We always hear the 'and get an STI test as you LTB/kick him out' comments here when yet another husband has cheated, but how many poor cheatees (is that a word?) have caught something they didn't want or need? I'd wager, very, very few, if any.

I speak as one of the small number on here who has had a lot of casual sex in the past over decades, with a large number of different partners, on many occasions not 1 on 1, was exceedingly lax on the safe sex front and have never caught anything, other than thrush from my long term partner of the last decade.

Go on, tell me it was only luck, and nothing to do with the rates of infection.

Morloth Thu 13-Feb-14 08:37:26

There you go OP easy to weed out the pricks who don't give a damn about you and just want their cock sucked.

peggyundercrackers Thu 13-Feb-14 08:00:26

If I thought a man had public lice or syphilis I wouldn't suck his cock even if he had a condom on, I'd be thinking he was a dirty bastard and he'd be out the door!

Joysmum Thu 13-Feb-14 07:13:29

badger that's your choice of coarse and the choice of your sexual partners smile

I'm sure we all know people who smoked all their lives and never got cancer, drank all their lives and never got liver disease, are a shit diet and never got heart disease etc. having unprotected sexual contact increase your risk of getting and passing on STD's and I certainly wouldn't belittle any ones choices to protect themselves to whatever degree they feel is acceptable to them until they've both been tested.

We're all adults here. We can all make our own choices. To me though, if I met somebody worth having sex with and they wanted to be safer than I did, if they were worth it then I'd do it, if they weren't worth it I wouldn't and they would know how little they were worth to me so being careful is a good way of weeding out.

badgeroncaffeine Thu 13-Feb-14 02:23:12

There's too much paranoia about oral STDs. I think the chances of getting anything are remote. I've given and received with quite a few people without problem. I would rather not bother at all than use dams/condoms.

stargirl04 Thu 13-Feb-14 02:02:01

grin at shagging passport, ha ha...

I recently began a new relationship and we used condoms for the first couple of months, during which time I asked my guy if we could both get a full sexual health MOT at the GUM clinic.

He agreed and we went and had all the tests done, including a rapid results HIV test fo free, which I was told the outcome of on the spot, so there was no nerve-wracking wait.

We had to wait two weeks to get all of the results back but it was worth it for a) peace of mind and b) being able to dispense with the condoms. The clinic also fitted me with a contraceptive implant in a separate appointment.

I would not hesitate to have it done again as I was really impressed with the service, which was completely free and bloody brilliant. The staff could not have been more helpful and I did not feel at all embarrassed there.

Although it was my suggestion, my bf said afterwards that it was a good idea and he was really glad we'd had it done.

So our "shagging passports" are up to date smile

beachside Wed 12-Feb-14 21:27:21

So, gloves + oral dams + condoms = ok to have sex.

I'd sooner have a cup of tea and read a book. Seriously, no one leads their lives like that.

Well men can't be tested for hpv and nobody can be tested for herpes so your logic is flawed. You can contract and sti from the first person you have sex with, fidelity is no guarantee of safety. I suggest you read back your post and have a little think about what is wrong with it and why I read sexism and twattishness into it.

kentishgirl Tue 11-Feb-14 11:55:53

'If the OP has talked with her prospective partner about his recent sexual history and he hasnt been sleeping with lots of partners then she will be fine.'

This is a really silly attitude. It's not about how many partners you have had. It only takes one infected partner to pass it on to you. You seem to have it in your head that only more 'active' people pass infections around to each other. How does a virus judge that and decide 'oh ok, I'll infect this person, but not this person'. If you sleep with someone who's slept with, say, 3 people, and each of those three people have slept with 3 other people, and each of those has slept with 3 other people, and each of those has slept with 3 other people (really not a large amount of contacts each, this could easily be the sexual activity for less that one year), by then you've been exposed to the possible infections of 121 people.

You can know you can get pregnant from only doing it once, as well? Or do you believe that old wives tale too?

cricketnut77 Tue 11-Feb-14 10:37:50

I'm just saying what 95% of men would feel. If the OP has talked with her prospective partner about his recent sexual history and he hasnt been sleeping with lots of partners then she will be fine.
If he has been sleeping around then a check up would be a good idea and one I wouldnt mind doing if I was in that position.
I know there is a slight chance of catching those aforementioned infections from unprotected oral sex but that is a tiny chance compared to unprotected penetrative sex.
I'm not sexist either!! but I can be a twat at times grin

Joysmum Tue 11-Feb-14 08:06:15

I agree. A man's attitude to a woman wanting to take responsibility for her own sexual health is a great way if weeding out the twats who are selfish and you wouldn't want to give a blow job to wink

Cricket
Do you know that you can carry herpes or the warts virus and not know it, and that you can pass it on to a partner orally? Or that you can contract chlamydia in your mouth through oral sex? Being 'offended' is pathetic and it's nothing to do with how many cocks she has sucked (you sexist twat) it's because you could give her an sti you had no idea you had.

I've never used a condom for oral and the thought of using gloves to have sex makes me cringe. But if I asked a partner to use any of the above and they got offended then they would go right off my 'people I want to have sex with' list.

cricketnut77 Mon 10-Feb-14 07:59:53

Seriously if a woman insisted I wear a condom for oral I would be offended and would definitely make me wonder how many cocks she been sucking. I understand for penetration but oral - blimey.

livingzuid Mon 10-Feb-14 07:26:47

Op I don't think you're interested in casual see and when you do make it to that stage with a guy you'll feel comfortable enough to ask the questions around whether he has been tested or not. (normal, sensible) guys are just as concerned over protecting themselves and it's a perfectly normal question to ask. I did with now dh and neither of us would have touched the other if we thought that testing hadn't happened.

I guess it's also whether you trust the response as well? This is where I'm a bit confused do you have to show proof before you get down to it? I trusted dh by then but some men or women may not be so genuine.

If in doubt then always use a condom....

LittleBabyPigsus Mon 10-Feb-14 01:29:06

Gloves (latex or non-latex) are not very sexy but they do help prevent infection, particularly if the giver has sharper nails than they should have. People don't realise that there are infection risks with all kinds of sex, not just PIV.

beachside Sun 09-Feb-14 23:35:51

I'll remember to put my marigolds on before the next hand job then...

ISaidNoNoNever Mon 03-Feb-14 23:12:45

Oral dams are commonly used by women who have sex with other women fyi.

Everyone needs to practice safe sex, and sex is not limited to penis-in-vagina. Anal, oral and manual sex needs to be safe too.

mmonroe Mon 03-Feb-14 22:32:56

Yes beachside, that's probably a better way of putting it. As I was talking about myself though, I meant any man that I was to be with as I had a full STI check when my exH had his affair so I know I'm healthy.

beachside Mon 03-Feb-14 22:26:50

mmonroe - surely you meant to say,

''any person who is worth spending time with would get checked out,''

Or is it impossible for women to contract infections?

mmonroe Mon 03-Feb-14 07:03:27

I know Eirikur wink

Grumpasaurus - thanks for your post, I feel much better about it all now and I agree, any man who is worth spending time with would get checked if it looking like turning into a serious relationship smile if not, he's not worth it.

Monroe, I was speaking generally, not making assumptions smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now