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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Problem with my boss

199 replies

Stupidgirl75 · 25/12/2013 22:36

I posted about my situation a little while ago .... Shortened version...

'Im 37 my boss is 53, we have been working together (along with a small team) on a project for nearly a year. Background I was shat on by my partner of 10 years when he ran off with OW he wants to come back now but that's by the by.

I have a problem with my boss, firstly he is a married man yet ...

He has set me above my colleagues, I attend senior management meetings with him when my colleagues don't, we have non stop banter together laughing and joking, we work in a open plan office and he always seems to be looking over at me smiling, he confides in me about confidential things at work which are out of my remit sometimes personal things about my colleagues, we work late together, he tells me about his children and things going on in his life.

He told me one day that he dreamt that I was leaving and called me as he was worried it was a sign that I was, he told of me of the whole team I'm his number one, another team wanted me work for them and there was great pressure from senior management but he refused to let me go.

we went on a leaving do he was constantly smiling at me and when we ate sat next to me and talked to me all night ignoring everyone else, also at the bar he spoke to only me, so much so that my colleagues noticed. My close colleague says I'm his golden girl .A customer we work with has also picked up on it saying that I have a hold over him.''

Since then things have intensified, he tells me about issues he is facing a home, I've shared the mixed emotions I have about my ex and my struggle to move on. We have lunch together alone at least twice a week ( which we don't share with my colleagues), there's flirting but he has never ' come on to me' as such, he says I'm his favourite, that our outlooks are similar ,he fines me easy to talk to and we could be good friends, this week he has given me his personal mobile number and texted me to make sure I got home ok when the weather was bad this week.

Am I reading too much into this? Or does he fancy me? I might be overreacting here but he's a married man and although I enjoy his company and like him as a person appreciate his advice etc, after what I've been through with OW I wouldn't want to get involved anything remotely dodgy.....

Opinions appreciated thx you

OP posts:

Report

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 25/12/2013 22:39

I think you are already in too deep.

QuintessentialShadows · 25/12/2013 22:40

If it smells like fish, it is fish. Not lamb.

LovesBaublingTheTreeAgain · 25/12/2013 22:43

Read you op, you already are tge ow

SantasPelvicFloor · 25/12/2013 22:44

I'd probably cool it tbh by telling him all about your new boyfriend...

Stupidgirl75 · 25/12/2013 22:46

I know it looks bad right?

But he is quite shy so although I think he might be flirting it's in a joking bantery way instead on full on iykwim.

Also when we go to lunch it's a sandwich or some chips in the canteen not a slap up meal on him!

So it's low key, that's why I think I might overreacting here ....

OP posts:

Stupidgirl75 · 25/12/2013 22:48

Please don't say I'm the OW I'm really not, that's not what I want at all

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 25/12/2013 22:48

Is there anything he says and does that he wouldn't say or do if his wife was there too?

Stupidgirl75 · 25/12/2013 22:50

Am I being naive thinking that he might just want someone to talk to a confidante? Particularly about work issues?

OP posts:

MrsSteptoe · 25/12/2013 22:53

What you eat isn't really the point, OP, it's the circumstances that suggest ... intimacy, really. If you really don't want to be the OW, you might want to nip this one in the bud...

MyPrettyToes · 25/12/2013 22:55

You are a cliche op. How degrading. If you have any self respect and want save your professional reputation stop this indulgent behaviour. Stop the intimate lunches, the flirting.

I don't think you will though, you are enjoying this way too much. People will laughing at you as the woman who gets ahead by sleeping her way up the career ladder (your colleagues and clients do not know you two have not shagged).

MrsSteptoe · 25/12/2013 22:55

x posted, OP (I refuse to call you stupidgirl75!). Yes, he might want a work confidante, but it doesn't sound like that's what your conversations are confined to. Do you think the conversations over sandwiches and chips would be exactly the same if you were a man?

ZenNudist · 25/12/2013 22:56

Trust your instincts, he fancies you. Probably trying to set up an intimate relationship, but maybe subconscious so he feels totally blameless.

The 2x a week lunches are dodgy. The personal texts are the tip of an iceberg.

If you can shoe horn it into conversation I'd tell him about his awful you feel about being dumped for an OW & whilst you totally blame yr ex then you don't understand why any woman would do that to you and you'd never be such a bitch as to break up a relationship, clearly if never ends well based on yr ex!

I know you're going to get lots if advice to give him a wide berth but I'd try to keep things friendly, its in yr favour at work.

Be aware that he may eventually get bored of you and find another favourite.

Just don't sleep with him as it'll hasten the demise of your professional relationship even quicker. Current state of affairs can't last!

Stupidgirl75 · 25/12/2013 22:57

Faire I'm not sure some of the banter is cheeky, I wouldn't have liked my ex to do that particularly with someone 16 yrs younger, but people are different. He told me that he wife had left a few times that they'd has problems etc, but then when I told him my ex had cheated on me and how much it had hurt me, he said he'd had opportunities in the past but never taken them because he would hate his wife to do it to him.

But then when I told him that I wasn't thinking I might have a quiet Xmas alone this year, he said I'd love to do that and get some peace, and there's a lot to be said for freedom -confusing right?

OP posts:

Diagonally · 25/12/2013 23:00

Wake up and smell the Christmas cake, the only bit of being OW you haven't done yet is sleep together.

And before you say you wouldn't...if he asked you, what would you do?

Homebird8 · 25/12/2013 23:00

There are always going to be people you meet who, if circumstances were different, could become very close. This sounds like one of those times from your perspective. From his, I'm not so sure. It sounds at least like a crush, and an inexpertly and immaturely handled one at that. I would be expecting an eventual script of 'my wife doesn't understand me'.

I don't think you have yet done anything wrong but if people around you are noticing then you do need a serious talk with your boss / friend about 'personal conduct'. Live to your own standards and don't let yourself down.

It may now be too hard for you to maintain the friendship, in the light of public recognition, and in your current work regime. It'll be tough to withdraw to a safe distance. That distance may have to be another job.

Fairenuff · 25/12/2013 23:01

No, not confusing at all. He wants to keep his marriage and all his home comforts and he wants you hanging on his every word and lapping up all the extra attention he gives you.

It's coming across loud and clear. Soon he will be telling you that his wife doesn't understand him and they don't sleep together.

Bull. Shit.

Btw 'banter' is a modern word for flirting, so you do know that this relationship is already inappropriate at best. You need to back off and try to salvage some dignity.

Shame he's your boss, it will only be you that loses in the end, one way or another.

ZenNudist · 25/12/2013 23:01

I think you need to be careful not to develop feelings for this guy. I'd also use your great experience to scout out a new job now. He sounds like trouble. Take control, don't let circumstances control you.

Stupidgirl75 · 25/12/2013 23:05

Why do I look like a OW already? we are colleagues not even friends, we do have a lot in common and the conversation between us flows very easily, I do not want to be the OW

OP posts:

Stupidgirl75 · 25/12/2013 23:10

Thank you all so much for your advice, I thought I might have been overreacting here maybe not...

Is this a game to him? Has he got a plan? That would me actually because I thought he was a nice guy a father figure even

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 25/12/2013 23:14

It probably is a game to him, yes.

ZenNudist · 25/12/2013 23:21

I don't really know, he could be playing you, he could be dipping his toe in & keeping his motivations hidden from himself. Either way he's after you.

Thing is you're 37. You're not some stupid girl (despite your name!). You need to be firm about this. Having been fucked over by ex & OW should strengthen your resolve not go do the same to his wife & dc. You are questioning this rather than letting yourself sleepwalk into a compromised position. Doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong. Bit more distance wouldn't hurt. Less of the secret lunches together. Don't reply to personal texts. Stop encouraging him.

Stupidgirl75 · 25/12/2013 23:22

Him and his wife have been married 24 years, I would hate to think that he is the type of person who would risk that for a bunk up? Really are they all *ucking like this?

OP posts:

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MyPrettyToes · 25/12/2013 23:26

He plans on sleeping with you. For someone who is 37, you seems extremely naive OP. Rather passive and a little vulnerable perhaps. I can imagine you sleeping walking into a physical affair with this man. He isn't 'a nice father figure'. He is predatory. Taking massive advantage of his position of power.

ZenNudist · 25/12/2013 23:34

He's definitely a type. Think midlife crisis. I have known men in positions of power like this (work with divorcing couples a lot). Usually arrogant but totally insecure. Pretend to themselves that the affair was mutual and not engineered by them.

Do seem to be lots of men who use their position to prey on women, often younger women. Work is easy place to meet and a cover for other activity.

Your boss may seem like a nice guy but he is clearly far too in to you. A nice guy would be a bit more distant & professional. All this confiding and taking an interest in you is motivated by self interest.

He might seem nice but trust me he isn't. The cover usually gets blown when they either get what they want & ditch you (highly likely in your case) or get what they want, ditch wife then treat you like shit too (like your ex-p did!!)

Fairenuff · 25/12/2013 23:35

What possible reason could you have to reply to personal texts from him?

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