Don't know what to do! (Long, sorry!)

[Wobblebeans]

Me and DP are currently in the process of disengaging from an extremely toxic member of his family (who I suspect of being a narc) because she has never liked me and for the whole duration of our relationship has constantly been drip feeding DP with how awful I am. They worked together for a while (he left because he got fed up with her) and when he was in his last few weeks, she told him a few times that another woman there was interested in him. I don't even know if this was true but I believe it was her last ditch attempt to try and get me out of the picture.

She's currently in the process of throwing all her toys out of her crib because DP has realised that he doesn't have to put up with it just because she is family, and is very much acting the victim in all this (because we are ignoring her!).

This member of his family is married to my uncle (this was how me and DP met), and the whole time they have been together she has also been drip feeding him the same story about how awful I am to the extent that he now believes most of it. She has also made it so that he hardly leaves the house, does most of the housework and childcare (he doesn't work as he is disabled and can't) while she is out all the time either at work, the gym or out with friends. When we all get together as a family she basically acts like she has no responsibility and my U is left with the DC while she talks about herself non stop.

I don't really know what I'm asking for here, we are going to be seeing them on Xmas eve at my parents house as my U is my dads brother and we do this every year. I guess short term, I need some way of getting through this unscathed, long term is a bit more complicated though. If we do go no contact with her, that would mean not seeing my U as well. I don't want this to happen as I do care about him. But it's got so bad now that he has blanked me the last couple of times we've seen him, and if we go no contact he'll probably be fed some story about how we don't care about him, and that she was right about me all along!

I know he's not happy as he will sometimes say stuff to my mum and she'll basically say to him " well say something then". He won't though because he doesn't like to cause a fuss. He won't see the bigger picture either and what his wife is really like because to be honest, he's too kind for his own good and doesn't believe anyone can be so nasty.

If I say anything to him, he'll think that I'm trying to cause trouble because of all the stuff he's been told about me by her over the years. To get some perspective, I was only a child when they got married, and me and my uncle were quite close, which makes her vendetta against me even harder to understand. It's like she saw me as another woman and as competition!

All I want is for my U to be happy and to see through the lies, and that it's not normal to have to ask for "permission" if he wants to buy something or go anywhere. When he does go out, even to the shop (not that he's allowed to do that anyway) she'll leave it for a bit then start texting him or phoning him asking how much longer he's going to be!

I really don't know what to do anymore tbh!

[Wobblebeans]

Bump. Anyone?

[Keepithidden]

My take on this is that if your U is willing to believe his partner over you then there isn't much you can do. There may come a time when he realises what's going on and stands up to her, but then again there may not. The old abusive relationship head-in-the-sand approach I think.

The best you can do is be around to pick him up if it all does go nuclear and support him in his recovery. In the meantime, if it's causing excessive grief then 'no contact' sounds like the best option.

In your shoes I'd probably lay-out-my-stall with a letter/email. Explaining that although you care about him, you can't deal with his W's behaviour. However if he ever needs someone to talk to, a place to gather his thoughts or whatever, you'll be around to help. Basically leaving the lines of communication open fro him if he ever needs to use them, while limiting or removing any opportunity to engage with his W.

[Wobblebeans]

That's the thing though, I'm not sure he would believe a word I'd have to say. It's just so messed up! He has no idea of anything she has done.

The incident where she tried to get DP to cheat on me (and failed) was the last straw for us, and that's what opened up DP's eyes to her. We haven't been to see them since then, and my U is under the impression that it was DP who chased this woman and his wife had nothing to do with it (we haven't corrected him, she would have an answer for this and we wouldn't be believed).

She's just so clever in how she manipulates people, but we know of a few who can also see through her. She also told DP's mum (her sister) that someone at work was interested in him. DP's mum is also annoyed with the situation and can see through it all (she says we've done nothing wrong, and thinks my U should put his foot down). But she won't do anything because she doesn't want to cause a rift in the family.

If we are going to say anything to my U, should it be DP who does it because if its me then she could just say that I would say that, would I? Because I 'hate her so much'.

Ugh, why are some people like this?!

[tribpot]

So your DP's aunt is married to your uncle? That's a Greek tragedy waiting to happen

I think it's quite common that going no contact results in the loss of non-toxic as well as toxic family members. Have you posted on the Stately Homes thread? Often spouses will side with each other even at the expense of their own children. That's their choice and probably shouldn't influence yours.

[Wobblebeans]

Ha yes it is isn't it. I'd hate to attempt a family tree on this one! I guess I have kind of resigned myself to the fact that we won't see my U either, but part if me thinks "if only she would slip up in front of him, then he'd see it". He probably wouldn't though would he?

I might go and take a look at that thread actually.

[tribpot]

I think he doesn't want to see, to be honest. The desire of families to brush things under the carpet for the sake of appearances / an easy life / so as not to rock the boat is truly incredible. You have to make the best choice for you.

[Meerka]

It would be one hell of a hard, sad realisation to have to face that the woman you married, love and have spent years with, is actually a manipulative lying bitch.

Shattering, really. I think a lot of people of both genders close their eyes to their suspicions of what their other half has proven in practise to be.

Im sorry, wobble, but it is likely you will loose your uncle over this :/ in fact, it sounds like you already have

[Wobblebeans]

I know, it's so sad. I think you're right though in that I've already lost him. He won't talk to me at all now because I blocked her on fb, as I just don't want to see all of her bragging bs! I reckon she'd known for months that I'd done this though, and only chose to tell my U when she did because of my nan coming up to visit, and it would make it awkward for me to see her. My nan knows nothing of this, and I almost wanted to congratulate the cow for her somewhat 'predictable' timing. She would hate to think that someone could predict her next move!