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i am gutted the doctor wants to call social services

(273 Posts)
superdry Thu 14-Nov-13 14:04:19

i have posted previously about problems i have been having with my dh, he is abusive and threatens violence, although so far has never hit me but has pushed me, threatens to chuck me out of 'his' house etc etc.

Following advice on here i contacted womens aid, following their advice i went to see my doctor to report it, so it is officially logged - i guess for future reference if need be and also to talk about my options in terms of counselling etc.

Now doctor has just rung me and informed me they have discussed my case and the protocol is to report to social services because i have young children in the house, although i have explained they are in no way in any danger, i am absolutely gutted and bitterly regret involving the doctor.

anyone have any experience of this, or any advice much appreciated, but please not a chorus of LTBs, i can't cope with that right now and i am trying to convince DH to go on a course to sort out his issues

passedgo Mon 18-Nov-13 00:04:01

All depends what evidence there is of h .s behaviour towards op and towards dc.

Yes, and there is none at present that OP can use. SS will help assess, and OP has acknowledged this now and has sought advice further upthread from people to help explain to her what she should say. She is scared.

But op needs to consider her other threads where the behaviour of the h towards the dc is questionable....

No she doesn't. That was another thread. She did that there. Give her a break!

cestlavielife Sun 17-Nov-13 23:54:25

One issue is op and h .s relationship and how bad it is or isn't and how this impacts on dc.

Second issue is how the h treats the dc. Ss can help assess that. In front of ss hv etc how does the h treat the dc ? If no evidence abuse towards dc then starting point for sharing dc would be fifty fifty. All depends what evidence there is of h .s behaviour towards op and towards dc. Having ss involved here could help assess. Ss could help op in insisting that dc have supervised contact with the dad for a while to assess given his aggressive behaviour. Op needs to really consider whether in fact dc are perfectly cared for or not by the h.

If in fact h is no danger or risk to dc except when op in the house and is afantastic main carer while op works then op needs to discuss with solicitor how to arrange contact so it's fair, whether that means continuing to have the h do the caring during day or not. Op needs to talk to solicitor get legal advice. She could end up paying maintenance to the h and child maintenance...

But op needs to consider her other threads where the behaviour of the h towards the dc is questionable....
And also you raise the question whether an abusive husband can be a good parent cf Lundy Bancroft the batterer as parent etc .

passedgo Sun 17-Nov-13 23:53:13

SS are not going to take a child away from its main carer because they have called the child a retard. OP is being realistic.

passedgo Sun 17-Nov-13 23:51:52

Yes but at present SS are not concerned. The gp made the report but we are a long way off SS wading in.

cestlavielife Sun 17-Nov-13 23:42:05

If ss are concerned about the main carers treatment of the dc and whether they are a good carer then yes the main carer could be ordered out. One question raised is the dad.s treatment of the dc eg calling toddler a retard etc. coupled with violence towards the op.
This could be grounds for supervised contact.

passedgo Sun 17-Nov-13 23:41:10

And that's why OP went to the GP, at the suggestion of Womens Aid, to report the abuse in case she did need to leave she would have evidence. That way she could make sure she can stay and protect her children.

If she ran now she could be leaving him with the family home and the potential to abuse the DCs.

passedgo Sun 17-Nov-13 23:38:08

If they are married and he is main carer main carer gets to stay in the house. A court would hardly order the main carer to leave the family home.

custardo Sun 17-Nov-13 23:37:23

if you are married, you may be legally entitled to some of the house anyway.

I think what you need is to get some financial advice about this issue to know where you stand should it come to it.

if you mean by 'his' house that he is the lead tenant, let me know some more detail ( pm me if you want) and i might be able to give you some more advice on this

cestlavielife Sun 17-Nov-13 23:31:19

They married so they both own the house and she has equal rights to be there.
If there is evidence of harm - and ss referral can help assess this - then it won't matter that he is main carer. That will be taken away from him. He will prob get supervised contact for a while.
So op needs to consider alternative day care child minders etc longer term.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sun 17-Nov-13 23:25:36

Great post, helly

And JB was completely right

passedgo Sun 17-Nov-13 23:25:30

Of course staying in an abusive relationship is a waste of time, the point here is that OPs partner is main carer of the children and he owns the house, AND is abusive.

It's not as simple as just getting out. She needs good advice and she needs to know she won't lose her children. We all know how manipulative these men can be. I do wish people would stick to practical advice instead of trying to get this woman to confess as though she's in denial. She really isn't.

hellymelly Sun 17-Nov-13 23:20:51

I read something in an article by Julie Birchill, many years ago. She was talking about how women seek and get support from friends when in a bad relationship, which simply serves to shore the woman up to stay longer, when they should be doing the opposite, getting out before they notch up more wasted time. I have often mulled over it since, and I thought of it when reading through this thread, as I feel that OP is what you are looking for, support, but sometimes that isn't the kindest thing. The truth is that (even factoring out any children) staying in an abusive relationship is always a waste of time. It is wasted months or years that you can never glean back. It is never worth it, never something that in decades to come you will look back on happily. Abuse invariably escalates, and can reach a point quite easily where a man will not let a woman leave. If you can get out, then get out, and don't waste any more precious years with an abusive man. Live is far too short and too precious to live in fear, if you have a choice.

Mumpiring Sun 17-Nov-13 09:21:11

I was like you once i op. I put a huge amount of effort in to tolerating the misery.
I was the proverbial boiled frog. A shove and a shout, a rougher shove and a louder shout and a poke, at what point do u think "now" now i must draw a line. I lwft wuth the clothes i stood up in and two v young children and i never ever doubted the decision when it was done. So it is hard to understand why it was so hard to make a decision (that i later never regretted).
As others have said, i just wished id done it sooner.

MatildaWhispers Sun 17-Nov-13 00:50:27

Hi superdry, hope you are ok.

I have had some involvement from SS. Ime they were understanding of my situation, however I did completely co-operate with them and that is what you need to do. As others have said, they will ask you whether they can contact various other agencies involved with your children (school etc.), speak to your dc etc. I agreed to everything that they wanted/asked. I found the SW totally understood the dynamics of an abusive relationship. I talked to the CP SW very openly about what had happened and I found that she understood exactly where I was coming from in my explanations of situations. However (rightly) she made it very clear that my dc were the priority. You need to co-operate with them, and they will be understanding of you. You are a victim in this, but be aware that SS will acknowledge that, but also slightly gloss over it because your children are the priority (repeating myself, but that is exactly how it is. It is not like dealing with WA, who will be more focused on the woman and her needs).

springyticky Sun 17-Nov-13 00:21:13

don't be ridiculous. YOu are entirely missing the point.

OP is not 'trying to make a decision' - this decision is now out of her hands, due to protocol that is, thankfully, developed to a fine point in order to protect children living in an environment of abuse. These steps are not taken because some idiot bod in an office somewhere dreams them up; they are taken following extensive consultation with every possible expert in the field.

The majority of posters have spelt this out to the OP - posters who are experts from a variety of angles (eg fostering children traumatised by living in an abusive environment) - but OP insists she knows best and that the experts are OTT, giving short shrift to those who have taken the trouble to post - mainly to warn her - accusing them of 'finger-wagging'. The reality of the process that posters are warning about will become all too clear very shortly. She has no choice but to conform.

SS are the experts. They are understanding up to a point but not a very long point. Their overriding priority is the safety of the children. If the mother refuses to acknowledge the damage to her children, SS won't hesitate to step over her, and has the power to do so.

She can cooperate or she can fight them. She will lose. They would rather work with her.

It's depressing that so many people want to attack the OP, the victim, not the actual aggressor. It is her husband who is the abuser, not her. She needs help and support. Kicking her when she's down is nasty and unhelpful.

Vivacia Sat 16-Nov-13 09:03:30

I don't think that the comments are helpful or compassionate, but I fully understand why people are thinking them.

Ahole Sat 16-Nov-13 09:01:09

Sorry that should have been . . .

Unnecessarily harsh comments to a victim of abuse who's trying to get help and make decision for their future and that of their children.

Ahole Sat 16-Nov-13 08:59:31

Quite, Ahole. Other people, though...

Exactly! I get the impression some posters are wanting to "punish" her for the fact her children are in this situation. I can't think of any other reason for the necessarily harsh comments.

They will not be 'understanding' of you and the position you are in

They bloody should be understanding! Child protection social workers absolutely should understand the dynamics of abuse and why women stay. It doesn't mean they will not expect action to be taken but it's wrong to say they won't be understanding.

wellrid Sat 16-Nov-13 00:20:21

Thanks perfectstorm. I shall arrange those lovely flowers into a virtual vase in my psychological kitchen smile

superdry - I hope you're OK too...
It'll all be fine, you know - the doctor has called SS so that they can help your whole family. Don't waste emotional energy feeling threatened by them (like I did) - they WILL help.

perfectstorm Fri 15-Nov-13 22:43:20

Wellrid: flowers

Hope you're doing okay, OP.

Lweji Fri 15-Nov-13 22:38:57

Quite, Ahole. Other people, though...

Superdry, this must be incredibly hard for you. I wish you all the strength you need to get through this.

Ahole Fri 15-Nov-13 22:28:14

I still can't see a single arsey thing the op has said!

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