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My wife just had an affair

(645 Posts)
Upsethusband Tue 12-Nov-13 14:33:04

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p****.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

aegeansky Wed 02-Apr-14 00:02:25

Fella, I'm a guy. I'm so, so, sorry for you. This is just horrific. You know they have a sexual thing going on, don't you? You just don't send those kinds of pictures otherwise. And I'm with everyone on the significance of throwing the phone in the river.

Bottom line, can you ever trust her again? The wedding betrayal is game-changing for me. There is a level of calculation and smugness that is really, really hurtful, as you already know. This is very, very hard.

She has hurt you as much as it is possible to hurt someone. Do you think you can respect her after this? Do you think she is showing you respect?

This is such a traumatic situation that you need to look after your own emotional health first. Take time out. Make some arrangements for your children so they can see you both, but you can't stay living under the same roof.

If you decide to stay with her, it will have to be that you are entirely sure she will never do this again. You can't have sex with her worrying about what else she might be up to. That's not what marriage is supposed to be about.

Kudos to you for having the courage to post this.

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fluffyraggies Wed 20-Nov-13 19:41:28

Sending you all the best upset. You sound as if you really have had an epiphany.

I hope things work out well for you x

skyeskyeskye Wed 20-Nov-13 18:40:43

Good luck for Friday upset. Wise move to step away from MN for a few days. I hope that Relate gives you and your wife something to work with. You both need to be totally honest with the counsellor and each other. I begged XH to go to Relate after he walked out but he said that there was "no point".

You don't owe us anything, but as hissy said, we will be here for you if you want to talk things through with random strangers on the internet smile

Fairenuff Wed 20-Nov-13 16:33:00

Oh, and don't worry, you won't 'clog up' mumsnet, it's bigger than it looks tardis

Hissy Wed 20-Nov-13 15:19:39

Whatever you decide Upset we'll be here for you, if you need to talk stuff through, feel free, if not, that's OK too.

We'll all be thinking of you and hoping everything works out for the best for you.

perfectstorm Wed 20-Nov-13 09:45:23

You don't "owe an update", OP. If posting here helps in any way, people are always glad to (try to) help. If it isn't going to be helpful, then everyone will understand if you want to step away. I really, really hope Relate is constructive, and that whatever the future holds works out for all your family in the best possible way. And to back up the previous poster, you do sound a lovely man. I hope a lot of happiness lies ahead of you, even if it feels distant right now.

Upsethusband Wed 20-Nov-13 08:28:51

Thanks MrsCorre

Also thanks everyone, I don't want to keep clogging up Mumsnet. Friday is relate and we have a lot to discuss and figure out. I'm not sure if this is a short or lengthy process.

I have really appreciated all the support. Once I have got through this I am happy to come back and share my thoughts but out of respect to the situation I think it is only right I deal with this now with my wife before I make it public (even though this kind of isn't really public).

MrsCorre Tue 19-Nov-13 14:48:12

Upsethusband, can I just say after scanning your comments and hearing about the tough time you have been having that I really respect the way you have handled things. You sound like such a lovely man. Sometimes even the most perfect of relationships just don't last it's something we have to accept and move on from. Your priorities are correct...your children come first and foremost. 6 weeks before my wedding last year I discovered my dad had been having an affair (he and my mother were married 32 years and blissfully happy as far as everyone including my mum were concerned). Affairs are devastating and picking my mum up off the floor in tears was not something I would ever like to relive. My mum kept her dignity though and my respect for her knows no boundaries with the way she has calmly handled everything. In my opinion You are also so right about the wedding vows meaning more than a physical affair in my opinion. Once the trust is broken in a relationship it's pretty much impossible to rebuild. I love my husband as I love my children and would never, ever want to hurt him...(just give him a kick up the backside now and again lol). I'm sorry your wife didn't realise how lovely her life was (at least from what you have explained anyway?!) and now it sounds like it may be too broken to fix which seems sad :0( xxx

perfectstorm Tue 19-Nov-13 08:31:51
LibraryBook Tue 19-Nov-13 08:28:45

Can somebody link to the book you're all talking about?

iFad Mon 18-Nov-13 23:23:20

appalling...

iFad Mon 18-Nov-13 23:22:01

I haven't read the book. One thing that appauls me about affairs is just how much it affects the injured party. I imagine that the first thing they do is look to themselves and ask why me, what is it about me that the other person felt they needed to go elsewhere? From what I read here from you experienced people and snippets of the book, it seems that it is not about the cheated on partner at all, although in the aftermath blame is shifted to them to make the cheater less to blame. The pain and injury to the other party for me is one of the worst parts of this. You wouldn't physically attack your partner and put them in hospital would you? The devastation to someones self esteem that an affair causes I imagine is just as bad and more long term. If this book shows more clarity on this and makes the injured partner see it was not their fault, I'm really glad of it.

From the last few posts of the OP it does seem that he has shifted from forgiveness of lovely his wife to something else. I am also interested to know, but of course he has no obligation to share with us as it is his business.

perfectstorm Mon 18-Nov-13 23:12:00

I'm glad that you read it, OP. So many women on here have found it spoke to them and explained so much that made no sense before.

I would caution though that it makes sense when looking at it from your wife's perspective, but as Rhubarb has commented, perhaps not from the OM's. My own mother-in-law had such an affair, only to find, after leaving my father-in-law, that the other bloke was appalled she'd suddenly made the whole thing real. He'd never had the least intention of leaving his wife.

Fairenuff Mon 18-Nov-13 16:22:06

had nothing to do with me and how I was in the relationship. It happened because of circumstance and the only people who could have stopped it was them, and they chose not to.

Yes, this is what some posters have been trying to tell you, before others started suggesting that you held some responsibility. You don't, the choice to take those steps that led to the affair were entirely out of your hands. As far as they were concerned, you just didn't exist as a person, just as an obstacle.

You say that you have clarity now. What are you going to do?

THERhubarb Mon 18-Nov-13 15:49:25

It might also be helpful to read the Five Stages of Grieving the End of a Relationship in order to understand your own responses to the situation.

WarmFuzzyFuture Mon 18-Nov-13 14:33:02

The scales have fallen from your eyes by reading that book.

The reality of the situation (and the betrayal) is going to really start hurting (and affecting) you. sad So sorry Upsethusband

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 18-Nov-13 13:53:19

Cheaters do think they are unique. They feel they are the first people ever to undergo such gut wrenching (but ultimately tawdry) emotional whirlwinds.

Looking back, I am sure they feel very foolish about how stupid they have been,

MadBusLady Mon 18-Nov-13 13:43:59

I'm glad it has given you more clarity, OP. I've not read the book either, but I've seen it recommended a lot on here and I've seen several cheated-on people make very similar comments to you after reading it - that it could have been about their own spouse, down to the exact form of words they use sometimes. It's extraordinary how this seems to be a very well-worn predictable behaviour pattern, when it seems so unique to all the people involved.

Best wishes to you for your next steps. You sound like a very strong person.

THERhubarb Mon 18-Nov-13 13:19:56

Just one thing upsethusband, the other man has a reputation doesn't he? He's a player and he's probably had countless affairs. He may have seen your attractive wife as a challenge and so whilst she might have fallen in love with him and the excitement of an illicit affair, to him she may have just been a conquest. He's certainly not left his wife for her and from what you've stated before, is still living with his wife so they've obviously decided to put this behind them (or his wife doesn't know which is unlikely by now, she probably knows about all his affairs).

He will recover from this but you and your wife are the victims. It's not a defence of her, but don't see this as a love story because as far as he is concerned, I doubt it was love. She's learnt a very hard lesson from this and has lost not only her lover but potentially her husband as well.

I think you have a good approach.

It is the same sense of calm I used to have when waiting for the tube to take me into uni. I could do nothing about London Underground schedule, and their delays, and would therefore just read my book calmly. Others could not believe I was not stressed. But what could I do?

Not comparing an affair to a tube delay, but the sense of calm and understanding that there is nothing you can do.

I hope you keep the sense of calm going forward and that you find an outcome as good as it can be in the circumstances.

Upsethusband Mon 18-Nov-13 13:08:33

vivacia I think I am calm now because I get it, what I have taken from it is that it probably had nothing to do with me and how I was in the relationship. It happened because of circumstance and the only people who could have stopped it was them, and they chose not to.

It has given me peace with myself and the situation, clarity on what to do next. I'm too tired to be angry and you can't buy back time so I can't be bothered to spend too much time grieving over something I couldn't do anything about.

Probably isn't for everyone but it has certainly helped me.

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