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Help please! Flirtation with a guy at work

(179 Posts)
SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 07-Nov-13 10:39:17

Ok MNers, I've been considering posting this thread for some weeks now and have finally got frustrated enough to do it. So - tough love needed please.

I really fancy a guy at work. Am 99.9% sure he likes me too. We've worked together for over a year but the flirtation has only been going on for about 10 weeks. We drunkenly kissed at the end of a work evening out - that's what started things.
The next day I did the whole 'oh I was so drunk last night' thing, basically because I'd never thought of him like that before and I was a bit embarrassed. So he got the impression I wasn't interested, I think.

But since then the flirting and chemistry has ramped up to the point that everyone else we work with has noticed and it's become pretty full on and, tbh, embarrassing - I hate feeling I'm being gossiped about.

But - here's the rub - he hasn't asked me out. We've been out for work drinks with colleagues several times since then and nothing has happened. Each time, he spends the whole evening talking just to me, lots of chemistry and eye contact, but we never seem to actually make a move on each other.

The latest time was last night. I am sick of this now. I would rather he left me alone and didn't fancy me than continue like this. It is driving me batty quite frankly.

One further consideration (trying not to drip feed): I recently got a BIG promotion which means I will be leaving his department next month and won't see him from one day to the next. I am wondering whether he's either intimidated by this (I will be in a much higher status role than him, in terms of internal politics, kudos etc), or he's waiting for me to move jobs so that if things go wrong or I turn him down, he won't have to work with me every day.

On the other hand I just keep thinking, keep it simple, stop making excuses for him: if he liked me, he would have done something about it by now. He hasn't, so he's clearly just not that into me.

All my female friends reckon they had to make a move on their partners and I should just bite the bullet and ask him out. I did vaguely say something a couple of weeks ago about 'would he like to go for a drink' when he gets back from holiday (he has been away for the last couple of weeks), and he said yes definitely when he gets back. Yesterday was his first day back, we were in the pub all evening and he didn't mention it at all. Is that a hint that I should just drop the idea?
Aaaargh.

Seriously, tough love needed. Should I try and push it forward, should I tell him to stop flirting because it's making me uncomfortable at work, should I just be zen-like calm and professionalism and write the whole thing off? Or should I be patient and wait and see what happens when I move jobs?

Help please!

PS. Yes we are definitely both single!

Jan45 Thu 05-Dec-13 11:53:33

I said personally I would rather not get involved in a sexual relationship with anyone at my work - that's my entitlement to make that decision, if others want to, go ahead!

I had posted further up to say I didn't think he was interested in a relationship, this has turned out the case, in fact he was a nasty game player. IMO, if a man is interested in having a relationship with you, he lets you know - again, it's fine if the woman wants to be the pursuer, personally, I'd not find a man attractive if he didn't have the balls to ask me out.

BarbarianMum Thu 05-Dec-13 11:19:31

hmm we're

BarbarianMum Thu 05-Dec-13 11:19:04

<<If I was you, I'd not get involved with people at work in my personal life and remember, let the man woo you, not the other way around, that's how you filter out the idiots.>>

If that were true then myself plus 3 other people in the room I'm in wouldn't be married and none of us feel our partners are idiots.

Lots of people meet their spouse/partners through work. It is perfectly fine for a woman to make the first move (were not deer that need to be persued). OP was just unlucky, that's all.

Jan45 Thu 05-Dec-13 10:47:03

As I had suspected, a total game player, and nasty with it, what a lucky escape you have had, and btw, you are no loser, sounds he is, in more ways than one.

If I was you, I'd not get involved with people at work in my personal life and remember, let the man woo you, not the other way around, that's how you filter out the idiots.

NorfolkInGood Thu 05-Dec-13 07:26:07

what an arse, glad you got some closure on that idiot. Good luck with your new job! wink

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 05-Dec-13 06:40:10

Thanks everyone smile
I'm glad I've for a really absorbing new job to focus on for the next few months - no more adventures in office 'romance' for me !! grin
I really do appreciate everyone who has posted, thank you so much, I never thought I'd get this many replies!

CuntyBunty Thu 05-Dec-13 05:19:48

Oh no! I've been following and lurking and it sounds like you had a lucky escape. He sounds like an over grown sixth former; he's just playing, and really, what's the point? I would have cried too. He sounds cruel.

Chin up, I think you were really unlucky to have got caught up in his weird melodramas. You sound sorted, you really do.

FesterAddams Thu 05-Dec-13 03:36:33

You're not a loser.
He, on the other hand, is seriously twisted.

beaglesaresweet Thu 05-Dec-13 00:51:36

'even dare' that should have been.

beaglesaresweet Thu 05-Dec-13 00:51:08

just shock

Op, do not eve bdare to think of yourself as a loser! that's irrational. You come across as really nice, fun and charming imo. Someone (or not just one) will appreciate!

FluffyJumper Thu 05-Dec-13 00:34:23

I second the person who said at least you didn't shag him! That would've been worse grin

BettySwalloxs Wed 04-Dec-13 23:49:26

What a twunt. shock
Still, head up, tits out, move on.

He's still a twunt though....

blueshoes Wed 04-Dec-13 22:58:59

What a head fuck. What he did was calculated to exact the maximum hurt. Words fail me as to what would motivate a person to do that. I am really sorry that you had to encounter him. His ex clearly dumped him for a reason. You are well rid. Enjoy your promotion and leave the dregs behind.

LessMissAbs Wed 04-Dec-13 22:13:41

There is some kind of personality disorder where people flirt outrageously without being aware of the social nuances of their actions, or claim not to be. Its one of the major ones, something like avoidant personality disorder or similar. His behaviour, from what you have described, the eye contact, at work, the initiating of a kiss, the going to your leaving do, the brutal rejection of you, his behaviour is really dreadful.

LessMissAbs Wed 04-Dec-13 22:08:29

O.M.G. He sounds like a psychopath, who gets off on leading women on then rejecting them. That's horriffic. I am so sorry this happened to you, but it is him, not you. There is basic human etiquette and manners that most decent people know, and he has deliberately created this situation to do this. Not all psychopaths are murderers...

You might be feeling a bit awful now, naturally, but I suspect in a few days you will start to feel relief that you aren't involved in his little game any more. You didn't feel attracted to him until he kissed you, go back to that feeling and think of him as psychologically irretrievably damaged.

Why he came to your leaving do is almost like a form of stalking, just so he can reject you. Its seriously weird behaviour.

No wonder his ex dumped him! Did he definitely have an actual ex, or did he make that up?

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Wed 04-Dec-13 21:40:06

The most positive interpretation I can put onto it (and I'm trying, believe me) is that he is still really hurting over his ex dumping him and he enjoyed the flattery but when it became onerous he took the opportunity to exact some of the hurt he has been feeling onto me.
I can understand that, I've been in that really crushing heartbreak situation where you lose it for a few months and will try to hurt people almost casually.

I'm not excusing him and it doesn't change anything btw. Just given that I work in his vicinity I'd rather attribute it to that than let it overwhelm me with the arseholery of the whole thing. Iyswim.
Charitable thoughts etc.
Arsehole grin

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Wed 04-Dec-13 21:35:59

Haha thank heaven for small mercies!
Sigh.
It's going to be lame seeing him around. But I'll grit my teeth. At least I have a new job I focus on for the next few months - no temptation of going onto online dating in an attempt to 'move on' (kills the self esteem entirely in my experience).

Thank you all xx

skyeskyeskye Wed 04-Dec-13 21:34:46

what a bastard! WTF is wrong with these men to send out such mixed signals?!

oh well, brush yourself off and be thankful you have changed jobs. If you cross his path, just be professionally civil with him.

JuneauWhoIAm Wed 04-Dec-13 21:33:04

Wow, he's a bit of a head wreck.

Wanker.

TheCrumpetQueen Wed 04-Dec-13 21:28:53

Least you didn't shag him, hey!

BarbarianMum Wed 04-Dec-13 21:25:54

Wow, didn't see that coming! Poor you!

On the bright side, you've finally met the real him. So now you know you're missing nowt.

TheCrumpetQueen Wed 04-Dec-13 21:23:13

Well, he's a nasty piece of twisted work, isn't he?

Don't let him get you down, you sound lovely. He sounds deranged.

Chin up x

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Wed 04-Dec-13 21:02:58

That last bit sounded sarcastic but it wasn't, I honestly do appreciate everyone who's posted for their support so thank you smile

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Wed 04-Dec-13 20:57:41

Just to update the thread (thanks for your thoughts Livinginlimbo smile ) -

He turned up to my leaving-the-old-job drinks. Stayed all evening. Happened to be leaving at the same time (other people around too but either just before or after). I looked at him, he looked at me, I leaned a little ....

And he said in a fairly brutal fashion that he didn't like me, had never liked me, had said so when we kissed before (an incident in which HE kissed ME let us be clear - and no he had said no such thing) and just generally it was horrible and I was in shock. I kept saying 'but why all the flirting, the attention, the ... (Etc)' to which he had no answer.

And after just a minute or so THANK YOU JESUS a good female friend emerged from the pub with some other people and I turned away from his gaping unable-to-answer cowardly face and walked off with her with dignity.
(And then cried on the way home and when I got in but hey he didn't see any of that so it doesn't count).

Arsehole.
MY FUCKING EVENING FFS. Why would any sane person ... Sigh. Anyway. Whatever.
I said 'why did you come tonight then?' And he said 'these are my friends, you can't stop me seeing them.'
My fucking leaving drinks. Only about 15 people, all of whom I've worked with closely. He worked with 2 - me, and my boss. There was no need for him to be there, and if he genuinely wasn't interested then he probably woulda noticed my embarrassing behaviour (the postcard! Facepalm!) and bailed out. Surely.
Arsehole. I want to think well of him but I just can't find an explanation that does that.

Sorry for the delay in reporting back but I've been having a work-detox on hols. And today was my first day back and I'm sitting in a totally different bit of the office (which is all weird and Important-People and stuff but that's a whole other thread) and I'm totally fine about it now.

Except that I think he's an epic arsehole while also thinking I am a total loser who must have been psychotic to think someone like him (or indeed anyone in fact) would fancy me.

So, yay for self esteem hey.
But at least I sorted it out one way or the other.
Arsehole.

Thanks so much for all your support everyone, you've been absolutely magic.

Livinginlimbo2 Tue 26-Nov-13 10:44:18

Any news? How was the holiday? Hope you had a great time xx

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