Why has this come back now? (Possible trigger warning)

[Wonderwhy123]

Over 10 years ago I went on a date that went wrong. To this day I'm not entirely sure what happened, there are big chunks missing. I can't say that I was raped because I don't know if I was. I didn't know where i was and I was prevented from leaving though until the morning when my friend came along.

Afterwards my friends persuaded me to go to the police. They thought maybe I'd been drugged. I did have blood tests the next day but they came back clear. I also had swabs etc taken that weren't sent off. I didn't want to accuse someone of raping me if I wasn't 100% sure. Maybe not the decision I'd make now but that was then.

Anyway I thought I'd dealt with this a long time ago. I was a mess for a while and put on a lot of weight to stop men from fancying me.

A few years ago I was staying in a hotel and had a panic attack because the corridors were similar.

Apart from that I haven't thought about it for a long time. I thought it was over and done with. It's not been a problem.

Last night I was chatting in bed with my Dp I said something that reminded me of it and then bang, i couldn't breath properly, started thinking about it again. I didn't tell Dp what was wrong, he was lovely saying I didn't have to tell him what was wrong but he would be there if I wanted to tell him.

I couldn't sleep and just kept going over it in my mind.

I just don't understand where it's come from. I thought I had dealt with it long ago and it wasn't an issue anymore. Now it's all I can think of.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Memories can be very powerful. Traumatic memories even more so. It could be that it affects you more when you're stressed, tired or when there is change in your life. It could be that, with the benefit of hindsight and from a position of security, you see the past in a different light. If these episodes are relatively rare you're probably coping pretty well. If they become more frequent of if you find they're preventing you from living a normal life then you could benefit from counselling.

[Wonderwhy123]

Thanks, this is the second time in ten years apart from the time immediately afterwards that its affected me.

I don't know whether to tell my Dp or not? He's probably wondering all sorts.

[OhMyBridget]

I think if you are ina loving, trusting relationship with dp and it is serious- then you could open up to him and explain what you do know and remember, and then.. if you should have further memories breaking through he can helpfully coach you through panic attacks etc.
Sometimes my dp has to wake me up. Sometimes the nightmares are so vivid, I scream or toss in my sleep and he wakes me up. He knows what they are about, So he just cuddles me or gets me a drink etc without me having to find the words. Sometimes my nightmares are just black. They aren't scenes. . they are just feelings and noises. but I know what it is. I wouldn't be able to explain them though so im glad he doesn't ask.

I am very sorry for what happened to you. x

[Wonderwhy123]

Thanks, he was great last night. I couldn't find the words to even begin to explain it though because I was so
Shocked that it had even come back like that. I really thought it was dealt with.

I think ill try and explain it to him tonight. I may even show him this thread.

I'm sorry what happened to you too.

[CailinDana]

I think this kind of memory comes back when you're strong enough to deal with it. I think you should tell your dp (butbe prepared - his reaction mightn't be what you expect) and consider counselling so it isn't lurking in the background any more.

[Wonderwhy123]

Thanks, I'm going to tell him tonight I think. Hopefully it'll feel better then.

[Wonderwhy123]

I'm plucking up the courage to tell Dp tonight. I feel sick, I don't want him to think badly of me.

[wontletmesignin]

he will never think badly of you for something that happened during your past.
he will probably wish he know how to help you through this right now.

wonder, you have done very well to come on here and speak about it, considering how much this is bothering you.
don't put too much pressure onto yourself.
i am sure when the time is right, you will find the correct words to tell your dp :)

whatever happened, was not your fault. i am so sorry to hear that the memories are coming back and haunting you like this. i hope you receive the support you need in order to move on from it xxx

[Wonderwhy123]

Thank you.

[Wonderwhy123]

I told Dp last night. It was hard but I did it and he listened and didn't judge. I do feel a bit better now.

[FennCara]

I'm glad you told your DP. I have traumatic memories that 'break out' sometimes, and it did help me after I opened up. I had a crippling flashback during labour & I was glad someone else could make sense of it. Hope you feel ok.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

That's probably all you needed to do. If thinking about telling him had been in the back of your mind that could have been enough to trigger the original anxiety. Glad it went well.