My father grabbed my wrists yest, blocked doorway. I'm pregnant. so sad.

[amazingness]

so it was halloween night, i had taken DC's to spend their half term week with my parents, 300 miles away.

it was soon time to go out & see the fireworks display. As i am currently 6mths pregnant with DC3, i decided to stay at the house, as did my mother. meaning my father would have to take DCs to the fireworks, a 5 min walk away.

then the fussing/shouting started, of my father to my DCs, 'put your coats on, get that coat buttoned up, where IS your hat' etc LOUD, aggressively

After one particular outburst from him towards my 6yr old son, I got up and said ' it's ok, you stay here, i'll take them to fireworks' at which point my father who is mid sixties, grabbed BOTH my wrists very tightly and blocked the doorway of the living room so i was unable to get out. I said, 'get your hands off me, dont you ever Dare grab my wrists like that, let go!' in front of DCs too.

he immediately left with the DCs to see fireworks

mother offered myriad pathetic excuses for his temper.

I went to bed with DCs once they came back, I got a half hearted apology when he returned and he was practically smiling/laughing.

I drove home this morning.

I just feel sick and upset and so confused and angry about it all. I texted DH who said that it sounded awful, and so he is due home soon.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to get it out.

(background:I should mention this is the father who used physical punishment on my elder sister when she was a teenager, never on me, but i was there to witness it. I suffered from depression for years and have had therapy for flashbacks in the last 2 yrs. It's all so rubbish. I just wonder why I bothered visiting them. I wont be going there for a very very long time)

Just so sad.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm sorry your Dad is a bully and that your mother makes excuses for him. Don't suppose you'll be going back in a hurry.

[atomicyoghurt]

I'm so sorry and so sorry this happened in front of the children. It must have scared them have you talked about it?

[Sparklysilversequins]

I would never go there again. Sorry this happened to you.

[amazingness]

thank you so muc for listening, I was beginning to think I was overreacting.

I explained to dcs today when they asked in the car onw ay home why was grandpa shouting before the fireworks that he had just been too grumpy and it was wrong so very wrong of him to grab mummys wrists. they understood, they werent sad, not that I could tell, then the eldest said, 'mummy, i could have been Sportacus and jumped high on top of [grandpa] to stop him'

oh my. Lots of cuddles for dcs today since we have returned home.

it's just so rubbish. I feel sick in my stomach, just shock etc. i was really frightened. And am appalled that my father could do this - i thought he had changed, but it seems he and mother are as bad as they ever were growing up. Not surprised my other siblings live overseas & rarely contact them. I havent told my siblings about this incident, as it would create a huge drama. But maybe i should?

[happyhev]

Your Dad is an abusive bully. When you were a child you had no choice but to put up with his behaviour. You're an adult now, you don't have to put up with it any more, and neither should your children.

[castlesintheair]

Sorry to hear this. My mother's husband tried to kill me, amongst other things, in front of my 3 DCs. That was 3 years ago and was the icing on the cake of an extremely toxic relationship. Needless to say we have not been back.

You get to the stage where you just have to protect yourself and the family you have made. I wish you courage to do the right thing for you and your family.

[amazingness]

so sorry that happened to you, castles. His unpredictable nature plus mother's passive aggressiveness this morning before I left have really left me feeling lost/empty/sick but that yes, as you said, it is the end of being part of a relationship with toxic people.

just cant wait until DH gets home, i have felt on verge of tears all day.

[Helltotheno]

OP you need to protect your children and consider the consequences of them seeing him. I wouldn't ever have them alone together to be honest.

[atomicyoghurt]

OP it sounds like you are doing well and are making the right decisions. Please don't go back however hard it sounds. Your Dad sounds dreadful but your Mum's part in this is really disturbing too. The last thing you want is to start the cycle again with your children bearing the brunt.

Hope your dp is giving you lots of support. X

[amazingness]

you are right helltotheno, thankfully we are 300 miles away, so more or less out of reach, DCs dont see them regularly

but it doesnt stop my mother texting me today with such fluffy fake texts as 'we are so glad you came to visit us this week, we had a wonderful time'

wtf?

[bamboobutton]

I would have no qualms about never seeing him or letting the dc see him.

FIL did something similar, no physical contact but lots of bellowing and standing over me threateningly, then he trashed the house too, all in front of my 3yo.
next day on the way home he kept saying 'granddad's going to kill me'

ive not seen him for 2-3 years now and neither have the kids. I won't let someone that unstable anywhere near my children.

[amazingness]

yes atomic -her behaviour is bizarre & she spends lots of time stirring up dramas between my siblings, even though they are scattered across the globe.

Last night, after it happened and he had left, i sat on the sofa in tears, mother saw how upset i was, yet just couldnt offer any support, said oh he's just worried about sucha nd such'

then later, came into the guestroom i sleep in with the dcs & she put all the lights on(it was midnight) saying, in a disappointed/sighing tone, 'are you ok, do you want a cup of tea'

i said 'I am sleeping? pls turn off the lights or you'll waken dcs'

[amazingness]

oh bamboo, awful. I do wonder if he is as unstable to be bipolar, or mother. But even if they were, why do that to your pregnant daughter, all because you didnt want to go out in the cold to a fireworks display?I thought most people would love to do that with grandkids they hardly ever see?

I was clearly very wrong. I must have been deluding myself to have even bothered visiting this week. esp as mothers pent every waking hour gossiping about people, slagging off my brother etc etc

[amazingness]

spent not pent sorry

[Sparklysilversequins]

I'd text right back and say "well I didn't!" And explain why. I think it's best to do that right away because these things have a way of being completely distorted by time and remember they'll be backing each other up that you were being difficult and no it didn't happen like you're saying at all! It's best to clarify the position early on.

I have parents just like yours, only my Mum is the violent one. Not now though, she wouldn't dare!

[amazingness]

i think i might do that sparkly

[castlesintheair]

OP, I found it easier in the end just to ignore all the texts and my "family" in general. There is a term for your mum. I can't think what it is, someone else might? It all sounds very disturbing and familiar.

[beachyhead]

You never know, she might be looking for a way out. Maybe that's why she came in at midnight ?

[Sparklysilversequins]

Text him too. Don't buy into that toxic dynamic they've got going of her being the gatekeeper and damage control for HIS temper tantrums.

[amazingness]

i doubt it beachy - their relationship is one where she is queen bee and he idolises her. He has never been vioelnt to her, only my siblings. Children clearly disrupted their lives. She came in at midnight to tell me that she had passed another module on a course she is doing. Her attitude was more one of 'oh are you still upset about this', i told her i couldnt wait to leave tomorrow.

i havent texted yet. She thrives on texts/dramas, so I'm cautious about replying to her.

I wonder if DH has called them on his way home. He has had a word with them before, when she was hassling me at the time DCs were newborns. another long story.

i think best thing is to isolate them & not give her the happy family setup she thinks she has. So sad though. i'm just a mess of emotions right now. Pregnancy hormones included in the mix.

[SteamWisher]

Your mum sounds like mine - who is bipolar. She makes excuses for her husband's violent and aggressive behaviour - I think it's her way of coping. She even does the whole stirring up trouble between siblings!!!

Needless to say, I have minimal contact with her via the phone or text. I've told her a few times why I refuse to take the children there except for 2 hours at Christmas (to see my younger siblings). She seems to understand then a few weeks later is back to the usual.

I feel so sorry for you - what a horrible thing for you to experience. Don't engage with your mum - she's trying to see if you will turn away because of what your dad did. I expect it's almost panic. You've got a chance now to really lay down the law here.

[amazingness]

thanks steamwisher - actually I had already told them we wouldnt be visiting over xmas this year due to the pregnancy and the distance and DCs needing to have father christmas call at their own house, instead of theirs. she understood all of that. I said we would POSSIBLY make it for boxing day, but now that looks absolutely out of the question.

I'll just say it's too much for us to take on, given what happened at halloween

[SteamWisher]

I would be clear about the reasons why you aren't going - otherwise it just drags on and is incredibly draining.

That's how I found it - for years I made excuses to my mum for not going down and would grin and bear it at other times

Then one day, I said no more. I rang mum and told her exactly why I wasn't going. It took an incident where her husband lost his temper and the end result was that mum had to have her finger partly amputated (!!!!!!!) the relief when I did tell her was immense.

[amazingness]

thing is, i dont really want an exchange of harsh words on my conscience, much rather prefer to let them float away, lessening contact etc then at least my conscience is clear that my last words to them were 'meh' in nature rather than accusatory etc

plus once i start telling them truths where it hurts etc there will be no end in sight

[Jux]

How awful. I would ignore her text, as any reply will feed into her drama.

Also, I would have no qualms about contacting all my siblings and any other family and telling them exactly what happened. Do you have a confidante among your brothers/sisters? Do talk to them about it, if you can. Offloading on to people who know what they're like, especially if they have been on the receiving end themselves, will help you get past it.

No contact at all with them from now on seems a pretty good idea. Hope your dh gets home soon.