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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Controlling dh?

22 replies

Crawling · 31/10/2013 07:30

Is my dh controlling? He doesn't like me going out drinking with female friends. He doesn't like me meeting up with male friends and checks my underware.

He doesn't want me to get a job and yesterday I split up with him because I went shopping with a male friend and when I got back he went nuts.

Now once a week I go over my childhood friends house and stay till about 1:00 again this causes world was three. I only have two friends one male one female I meet up with the male friend one evening a week and once during the day but we talk on the phone a lot. The female friend I meet up with once maybe twice a month to go drinking.

He says I don't have any time for him and that because I lie in bed most days (I'm severely depressed) I don't care about him.

OP posts:

Report

joblot · 31/10/2013 07:37

Sounds controlling and like an unhappy relationship. Do you do anything together?

CogitoEerilySpooky · 31/10/2013 07:39

You say you've split up with him. Has he left your home? Checking your underwear is not just controlling, it's downright scary. Are you being treated by your doctor for the depression?

Crawling · 31/10/2013 07:40

Yes I invite him to come out drinking when I go out with the girls as my friends partner is there. We watch tv together go to the cinema and I used to play games but I'm too depressed for that atm.

OP posts:

Crawling · 31/10/2013 07:44

I haven't kicked him out as he has no where to go no family we are in contact with and as he doesn't drive he needs to be close to work. I am being treated for depression.

OP posts:

Reality · 31/10/2013 07:50

Several issues here.

Severe depression? Stop drinking, start getting up in the morning and stop staying out until 1am. I promise you that those changes, combined with meds or counselling or both will help.

What do you mean he checks your underwear? That is deeply creepy and controlling taken at face value. Can you elaborate?

I have to slightly play devil's advocate and point out that if my severely depressed partner refused to get up or engage with me but found the oomph to go out drinking, shopping, out with friends several times a week, I wouldn't like it either.

And how do you propose to work if you can't get out of bed? Has he said he doens't want you to work or that he is concerned about you?

CogitoEerilySpooky · 31/10/2013 07:50

You have to kick him out. Never mind he has nowhere to go - that's entirely his problem. Your mental health problems may be purely a coincidence but it is very likely that the stress of living in an abusive relationship is making any underlying problems ten times worse. Remove the source of the stress and I think you'd recover so much quicker.

If you're struggling you could talk to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. They are experts in DV situations, can help you remove him from your life and stay safe at the same time.

Crawling · 31/10/2013 07:57

R.E the underware he checks it and goes nuts if I'm wearing thongs or anything sexy so badly that if I'm meeting up with my male friend I wear the underware reserved for during my periods.

OP posts:

Reality · 31/10/2013 07:58

I am really sorry to drag up other posts but I do think it's relevant.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/a1877075-Cant-trust-my-psychiatrist-have-marital-problems-and-friendship-problems-I-also-feel-ssuicidal#42143119

If you have manic phases where you are hyposexual and have slept with people before, and have 'crossed sexual boundaries' with this particualr friend, then I don't think your DH is at all abusive or controlling, I think he is just concerned about you.

As I say, I wouldn't usually drag across stuff from other threads, but I don't want to see this thread fill up with LTBs because I think this is your illness speaking.

Reality · 31/10/2013 07:59

And if you won't listen to your DH, fgs listen to your Psychiatrist.

This friendship is a bad bad bad idea.

pictish · 31/10/2013 08:00

You're so entrenched in this, that you don't even know if it's actually controlling.

Of course it is. It is freakishly controlling. Checking your knickers? The man is disturbed!

Crawling · 31/10/2013 08:01

It's easier to do things with my friends when they don't constantly have a go at me but when dh comes home all we do is argue and that makes it hard to get out of bed.

He claims I'm to fat to get out of bed that I'm a bad mother and that when I go out I'm neglecting the kids. R.E work he won't let me work even when I'm well.

OP posts:

pictish · 31/10/2013 08:01

Although...having seen your other thread, it's not entirely founded in fantasy is it?

What a mess.

pictish · 31/10/2013 08:01

He sounds horrible.

Crawling · 31/10/2013 08:02

No it's not I do get hyposexual.

OP posts:

Crawling · 31/10/2013 08:05

Reality does make a good point maybe I am expecting too much.

OP posts:

natwebb79 · 31/10/2013 08:06

Very sorry to hear you're going through this OP but it sounds like your husband is having a hell of a time too going by the other thread.

JumpingJackSprat · 31/10/2013 08:08

Whether you a mental illness or not, it is not normal to check underwear or stop your partner from work. I would imagine that he could be one of the causes of your depression.

Crawling · 31/10/2013 08:08

He is but that's why I think we should split up too much has happened to be put right.

OP posts:

Reality · 31/10/2013 08:09

When you are in a stable phase, how is your relationship? What I mean is, is he a good man, do you trust him to have your best interests at heart? Do you love each other?

Because from your posts here recently you describe him as controlling and abusive and a borderline rapist. But then you say yourself that part of your paranoia is that he's abusive.

I'm just trying to unpick it a bit for you. If he's an arsehole then you need support to leave him. But if this is part of your depressive cycle then telling you to leave is very wrong. Of course it coudl be a bit of both.

I wish I could help you, and I apologise if I'm causing any offense here.

natwebb79 · 31/10/2013 08:11

I think it would be interesting to hear the DHs side. My sister has bipolar disorder and, with all due respect, the views she expresses about her DH at times make him sound like a monster when he's actually a saint. I promise I'm not belittling anything the OP has said, if he's checking underwear then that is terrible. My experience of such conditions is that it's torturous for all involved at times though. I really hope things improve soon OP.

Crawling · 31/10/2013 08:11

No reality you have a very good point you are not offending me and seem to understand my illness greatly for which I'm grateful.

OP posts:

thecook · 01/11/2013 08:58

Jesus. What a weird man. Leave him.

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