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Feelings for someone I can't have..

(5 Posts)
thanksforthememories Sun 27-Oct-13 20:11:06

Regular but have nc..

Back story...

Had a very on/off relationship with a guy for a few years. We decided to call it quits for good when he was offered a new job a few hours away from me. Things weren't really going anywhere so it was a mutual end. He left then I found out I was pregnant. We tried to make things work but I think it really drove us apart. I was single through out the pregnancy (he showed little interest and even met someone else). Gave birth with very little support from him and he saw dd twice when she was born. We didn't speak for almost a year when he got back in touch asking to see her. I told him to get lost and he didn't contact me again until 5 months ago when again he got in touch asking to see her. After a lot of talking back and forward I agreed. I was very hesitant to see him at first as I had so much anger towards him but knew I had to put it aside for dd sake. So me and dd met him last week for the first time since he last saw her when she was born 2 years ago. Straight away it was like nothing had ever happened and I felt myself relax in his company. It's only now a few days on that I'm starting to worry that all my feelings that I ever had for him are going to come flooding back, but I know I can't have him, I don't even think he would be interested.

Can anyone relate and how did you cope with these feelings?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 27-Oct-13 20:43:39

Diversion... and reminding yourself why it was such a disaster the first time. He may be charming and attractive but he also sounds like a gold-plated shit. You owe him nothing, not even a relationship with your DD.

olathelawyer05 Sun 27-Oct-13 21:24:08

I utterly disagree with Cogito's "gold-plated shit" assessment of your ex, which, with respect, seems completely reactionary.

What did the guy actually do? You broke up, and then hung around each other because of the pregnancy - big mistake on BOTH your parts if you were somehow playing at happy families because of the pregnancy. How can anyone be surprised that he was detached from you during that time?... and then he apparently had the audacity to meet someone while you were pregnant... so what?

Honestly OP, the issue here does seem to be completely with you and your anger as a result of the relationship you feel you somehow missed out on, and I'm not saying that to be cruel, its what it looks like. You need to find the strength and help to deal with that and to stop blaming him.

YOU don't owe HIM anything, but your daughter does have rights, one of which is the right to a relationship with her father if he is willing to commit to it. I'm pleased you ultimately recognise that it seems.

thanksforthememories Sun 27-Oct-13 21:38:44

My anger towards him was the fact that while I was preg, although we weren't together he made it clear to me that we would do this together (albeit not together in a relationship) to which he then walked away leaving me to deal with it by myself. He promised this and that then never followed through. This is what angered me. I don't care that he met someone, we weren't together so it was none of my business.

But we did have a great relationship prior to dd and when I saw him, I was taken back to those better times.

I think my heads just in a mixed up place just now. I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never see him again, think it was just a shock that I did

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 27-Oct-13 22:35:29

Went back on promises and has only tried - pretty feebly - a couple of times to see your DD in two whole years. I stand by 'gold plated shit'... Your DD may have the right to a relationship with him but you don't have to put yourself out or compromise your peace of mind to achieve that.

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