losing respect for my H

[hudsonriver1]

Hi. Yes I have posted before! One minute everything is ok and the next its not. I have been doubting myself alot lately.

H is so lazy, stays in bed til 12 when hes off for the day, he hates walking dogs or clearing up the garden. He does nothing. We have had this out several times and nothing changes.

I have 2 dds, aged 11 and 7. I am also a childminder and work 53 hours a week and am exhausted but he doesnt want me to let a family go.

On the other hand he could be made redundant in dec and all he is thinking about is the pay off, im just so worried he thinks he can bum around for a few months while i work my back side off.

I feel like I am losing respect for him. Everything he does annoys me and winds me up.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You may have lost respect for him but he sounds like he has zero respect for you. Do you stand up to him? Confront him about this lazy, selfish behaviour?

[KeatsiePie]

You're doubting yourself b/c he's not doing anything hugely, dramatically terrible and so it seems like -- can you really be getting so worn down just by a partner's apathy and lack of investment in making your family's life work out? The answer is fuck yes. I am familiar with this. It's the thousand cuts.

I see you've already talked to him about it but unfortunately all you can do is have one more definitive talk. Make it a serious one, outside the house, maybe over a meal or drinks so that you are creating a space that is neutral and will sort of set you up to talk honestly about working together. Make it clear that the goals are 1) to find out why he's acting lazy and uninvested and 2) to address whatever feelings might be causing that behavior (is he depressed or unhappy) and 3) to set some clear, firm goals and standards for how things are going to work in the future.

At the end of the talk, either his behavior starts to improve, or you find out that he definitively does not want to be a present and invested partner you can go from there. Good luck. Don't doubt yourself: usually, if you think something is not working, it is not working.