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cant move on, really hurting

(16 Posts)
reallyhurtz Sun 27-Oct-13 18:34:11

i was with my husband for 12 years and we have been divorced for nearly 2. We have 2 children.

it was a very painful split....from my POV, he drank too much, stayed out without telling me, didn't take responsibility for anything, I suspected he had affair(s) but never any definite proof etc

I eventually realised i couldnt live like that, it was making me ill. But I still love him I think. I dont want to be with anyone else. And I think I cling to the thought of our relationship IYKWIM?? I can still feel the feeling of him and me together....Im still in contact with his family and friends (they live abroad) and we were planning to visit them together next year (to take the kids) I miss his family and his country...

He left his phone at my house today by accident. I read his text messages. He has a girlfriend. He hasnt told me about her. Im in bits...

What the hell...I don't know how to sort myself out

day to day im ok...im doing positive stuff career wise and my and the kids are happy. But I feel really really really lost. I feel really adrift. Like, there is no purpose

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 27-Oct-13 19:09:39

Sounds like you've spent two years half-hoping you'd get back together and the girlfriend news has just smashed your 'wife in waiting' fantasy. Why was he in your house? Why are you still keeping up with his family? You say you've not been dating since the split but it doesn't sound like you've been forging an independent life for yourself either.

You may need some personal counselling to work through why you've been so reluctant to leave this man in the past. I'm sorry you've been brought down to earth with a bump. There is a purpose to life but I think you need some help to catch up on the time wasted

reallyhurtz Sun 27-Oct-13 19:29:43

thanks for replying cogito...

I don't want to get back together though; the thought fills me with dread a bit. And I have forged an independent life....i had an independent life even when we were together. Im so confused.

He was in my house, because he was bringing the kids back. He came in to see my parents who were here. I mean, he's my friend...he comes in my house. Is that unusual?

I love his family...I cant bear the thought of not being in contact with them

I dont understand, why I am so upset by him having a girlfriend

reallyhurtz Sun 27-Oct-13 19:30:56

I phoned him. I needed to talk to him about it

TheCrumpetQueen Sun 27-Oct-13 19:48:11

I think your feelings are very normal and I've seen many threads like yours on here. Give yourself time to adjust as you were together a long time and have dcs.

How often do you see him? It sounds like you're still very much attached when you said 'I cant bear the thought of not being in contact with them'.

reallyhurtz Sun 27-Oct-13 19:53:58

he picks the kids up and takes them to school 2 or 3 mornings a week...so i see him briefly then. And then when he picks them up and drops them off on a Sunday. Sometimes we take the kids out together

I think I am attached...but not in a wife way. Very much in a shared parenting/shared history/love each others families/care about each other kind of way

But our marriage wasnt good.

Which is basically the conversation i have just had with him. I think the crux of it is, we love each other. But, cant be together.

He has a girlfriend. I dont want a boyfriend

he said it isnt serious, she hasnt met the kids

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 27-Oct-13 20:26:53

Your thread is entitled 'can't move on'. To move on you have to stop living in the past and consciously sever attachments. There are couples that can be amicable, in and out of each other's houses and hob-nobbing with the ex-in-laws and move on at the same time ... dating new people, making new friends, etc. but you're clearly not one of them. I think the set-up just isn't right for you.

reallyhurtz Sun 27-Oct-13 20:43:35

But i don't want to date....why is that an indicator of moving on?

i wasn't big on dating before i gott married. I will stay single from now

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 27-Oct-13 20:48:07

It's only one of the indicators. It doesn't matter if you don't date or that you stay single.

forumdonkey Sun 27-Oct-13 20:53:53

A friend once said to me that I would get to a place where I just didn't care anymore and it came a few years ago. You will too. Give it time and you will have no feelings for him or what hes doing.

reallyhurtz Sun 27-Oct-13 21:22:30

I hope so. donkey

how long did it take you?

Heartbrokenmum73 Sun 27-Oct-13 21:30:05

I know how you feel OP because I feel the same, although I'm only seven months in.

I don't feel like I've moved on at all. I feel like I still have loads of questions I want to ask him (although I'd never get the answers). I still hurt as much now as I did seven months ago (he ended it). We were together 19 years and have three kids - he was my only partner and I was with him half my life. I'm kind of muddling along with the kids, but I feel like 'my' life is done with now - I can't imagine ever being happy again.

Sorry to hijack your thread.

reallyhurtz Sun 27-Oct-13 21:34:42

heartbroken dont apologise, its good to hear from you

yours is still very fresh...you will feel better. Most days I would describe myself as happy. Ive got the kids and lifes not bad, good friends etc. But I feel like there is a big hole. And some days, like today, I just cant stop crying. And I feel as sad as I did, the day he left

reallyhurtz Sun 27-Oct-13 21:36:13

that doesnt sound like 'better' does it? smile

it is...because you wont feel that bad every single day. you will have more and more good days. But maybe I am testament, to it never being 100% ok? I dunno....lots of people seem to be ok

Heartbrokenmum73 Sun 27-Oct-13 21:48:47

I think my problem is that I have no one to turn to. We moved to be nearer to my parents (which is fantastic, in it's own way) and I'm very close to my Mum, but it's not the same as having close friends.

My three closest friends all moved away (two to different countries within six months of each other) and I find it hard to make friends as it is.

And I suffer with depression too.

It's all a sticky, horrible mess.

Some days I cry and cry (like you) and other days I just feel numb and depressed as hell. I'd be happy to reach 'ok' I think. I hate that I miss him so much. I feel like there will never be anyone who gets me like him again. I mean, HE ended it, he's the prick here, he decided he didn't love me anymore (who DOES that to their long-term partner ffs?) so why do I still want him. Where's my pride?

reallyhurtz Sun 27-Oct-13 22:07:01

have you been to the doctors for ADs...Ive just come off mine...maybe that is the problem! they do help

I don't really talk to my friends about my X anymore. I find my friends supportive in an indirect way. Just that they are lovely company and fun, so when I'm with them I never feel like anything is lacking

You dont need to unburden your soul quite often. Just find some new friends to spend some time with?

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