My husband has been periodically verbally / emotionally abusive for a year and a half (we've been married for 13). Money problems - I am the main breadwinner, he emasculated, spent more than he earned, debt stress. Being abusive made him feel manly, it completely threw me so I gave him money (him refusing to tell me where it went). I had anxiety/depression issues (work and him) and couldn't deal with the anger, insults and aggression (he didn't hit me, but it felt close a few times - police involved once).
I have hung on because there were calm patches between, and if we separate it would split up our 2 DCs. Eldest is his (my stepchild) and would live with dad only. I'd go from 2 kids to one shared kid, and both kids losing their family and family home.
So, instead, I have sought mental health help for me (helped me label it as abuse), and for the last few months, I have tried to reassert myself.
I now bite back on every single insult/abuse, and I send very clear texts of what I think of his behaviour (he always twisted my words if I tried to speak to him). I try and do it firmly and reiterate that I love him.
My approach is to treat him like a tantruming spoilt toddler, and put in clear boundaries. I think the frequency of abuse is diminishing (although the level of occasional anger/aggression is still foul).
Am I kidding myself that I can retrain him like a spoilt toddler? Is abusive behaviour like alcoholism (once there always there)? I am aware that my personality means I will keep trying to fix a problem, rather than give up on it. I am aware also that abused women lose objectivity. Objectivity please! Can he be retrained or should I accept break up of my family?
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Relationships
is it possible for an abusive husband to change?
27 replies
happykay · 27/10/2013 13:02
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