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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I want to get married but don't know how to broach it...

45 replies

MrsRBrand · 17/10/2013 14:25

I am 31, I have had a few serious relationships but the man I have been with for a year and a half I think is my best match, we are compatible human beings.
I have never been interested in marriage before and have spent some time thinking about what it means to me (as I believe this to be a very personal thing)
I wont go into my reasons but my conclusion is that he is the man I want to marry.
The thing is, he has never brought it up and I'm interested to know his views on it but don't want to scare him away/ put him under pressure by talking about it.
I would like an out of the blue proposal but until he knows my views on it he wont be sure.
I'm inclined to just be with him for a few more years and just wait, but it feels a bit of an elephant in the room.
Any advice/sharing of experiences greatly appreciated, thanks.

OP posts:

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FracturedViewOfLife · 17/10/2013 14:35

If you want to be engaged/married then why not ask him?

ithaka · 17/10/2013 14:38

I think if you have found the person you can spend the rest of life with, that is the person you can discuss your feelings, dreams and hopes with. It sounds like you are not there yet.

When I decided I wanted to get married, I told my partner & he agreed. So we got married. It was that simple.

OK, so I didn't get the big out of the blue proposal - I got the man I can speak openly to. Probably why we are still going strong 20 years later...

Val007 · 17/10/2013 14:46

Really?!!!
Seriously, why would you consider him 'compatible' then?
You have now reached the age where you can't afford to beat around the bush. For starters, inform potential husbands of your martiage plans before you waste 1.5 yrs of your life.

Yougotbale · 17/10/2013 14:49

Why not discuss it in general, get his overall views of marriage as a concept.

A year and a half is fairly soon for marriage, how long have you actually lived together?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/10/2013 14:50

At some point you have to have the courage of your convictions and ask. Risk that rejection knowing tha, if he turns you down, he wouldn't be the right man anyway. Say nothing hoping for the big romantic proposal and the danger is you end up like Miss Haversham....

MrsRBrand · 17/10/2013 14:51

I wouldn't want to ask him because I want to be sure that it's his wish as much as it is mine.
I think there's more romance in being asked (for me)
We do communicate well and I know what you're saying about telling people right off but it's not so important to me that I wouldn't be with him if he never wanted to get married. But it's just something I want.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/10/2013 14:53

FFS... you don't find out anyone's wishes by crossing your fingers and waiting around hoping. This is real life, not a Hollywood rom-com. If marriage is something you want be clear about it. Life is much simpler that way.

MrsRBrand · 17/10/2013 14:55

Yes you're right, I'll try an broach it by getting his general view on it as an idea rather than him and I.
I am jumping the gun a bit anyway, it being so early in our RL, I'm just interested for the future..

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FracturedViewOfLife · 17/10/2013 14:58

What if he is sat there thinking I want to ask but I want to be sure it is her wish as much as it is mine? Limbo.

Just have a general conversation about marriage and let him know it's not something you are against if you don't feel able to ask him. Although I think if you can't talk openly and honestly about basic things like marriage then maybe it's not the right time.

I asked my DP. He said he had wanted to ask me but he remembered me saying that I didn't believe in marriage. He changed that (he said yes by the way)

FracturedViewOfLife · 17/10/2013 14:59

xpost

HairyGrotter · 17/10/2013 14:59

Cricky, all sounds a bit clinical.

Just ask if he has any views on marriage, 1.5 years at 31 is more than enough time to know what you want in the future, however, if you don't feel comfortable to discuss things then I'd say there isn't much going for the relationship

ithaka · 17/10/2013 15:00

I don't think a year and a half is especially soon in a relationship, personally. However, as you still haven't reached the stage you can take openly with him, it is obviously too early for you.

I agree with the poster that said this is real life, not a rom com. Who cares if you ask him? The 'big proposal' is just Hollywood baloney with a slightly misogynistic twist that prevents women exercising agency over their own futures. In my opinion.

MrsRBrand · 17/10/2013 15:01

That's what I'm thing Fractured, I was there with his daughter the other day and she said.. "daddy you're going to marry each other" and he said; "well that wouldn't be such a bad thing", I took this to mean he isn't completely closed to the idea (realising how silly it sounds now I write it down). Does take balls to be upfront though..

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/10/2013 15:02

Faint balls never won fair lady....

MotherofBear · 17/10/2013 15:05

You could always mention that conversation to him and say it made you wonder what he really thought about marriage.

MrsRBrand · 17/10/2013 15:09

I suppose what I really want is to talk about it, not just say yes or no but to see what it would mean to him/us, how he views it etc without the pressure of when..

OP posts:

Pachacuti · 17/10/2013 15:09

Agree with MotherofBear -- you have an in to the conversation right there: "DSD's comment the other day got me thinking..."

MrsRBrand · 17/10/2013 15:10

Yeah true, ooh wish me luck we're going to a gig tonight..

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CoffeeTea103 · 17/10/2013 15:14

If this man is the one for you and you are in a good relationship you should be able to discuss these types of things. Also this waiting around to see where it goes, if it doesn't work out, then are you thinking of parting ways. If he is then one you wouldn't be thinking along those lines.

Floggingmolly · 17/10/2013 15:19

Why do you want to get married? He's my best match, we're compatible human beings wouldn't do it for me
Maybe it's not doing it for him either; but you won't find out till you ask...

MrsRBrand · 17/10/2013 15:20

I don't think that's the case, before we got together I had been with someone for three years with whom it did not work out, so I am very careful and try to move slowly so that we both feel we have had time and space to ensure it's what we both want, I don't think that correlates with him not being 'the one', I think it just means that to give us the best chance of being a strong unit that I don't always act on impulse.

OP posts:

Val007 · 17/10/2013 15:24

1.5 years is early????

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NorthEasterlyGale · 17/10/2013 15:36

Must admit, I opted for the 'subtle as a brick' approach. Had known (now) DH for years as a friend when we got together. Pretty soon after we got together I just said to him 'you will ask me to marry you one day, won't you?'. He reassured me he would and we then just pootled along quite happily without any pressure on either of us and without speaking about it again for a few more years before he proposed.

Really had to pluck up my courage to say what I did as I'm not ususally the direct type, but it was important to me and I felt 'safe' enough to say it to him without fear that it would cause any damage to our relationship regardless of his reaction.

The thought of talking about it is probably a lot more scary that you'll find the actual experience - go on, get something said

MrsRBrand · 17/10/2013 15:38

Thanks NEG, I'll see when the right moment comes up, from this thread I have learnt that I need to say something.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 17/10/2013 15:40

You're both adults, of course you can to talk to him about it, you both need to know where this is going.

You have the right to ask, this is your life! (As Michael Aspel used to say...)

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