Here's the story: I have a mate who is (I believe from reading around) abusive to his partner. Towards me he tries to intimidate and bully (real in your face stuff as in centimetres from my nose), but I stand up to that and just go don't you dare talk to me like that.
His partner J, is lovely, a gentle, kind person. When my wife went through Breast Cancer, without really knowing my wife, she took time out of work to support her through chemo sessions, when I had to stay with the children (DW's mum has cancer-phobia so hasn't gone near DW since diagnosis).
My mate has to date, cheated on her several times, that I know of. He also with-holds money from her. He's also intimated (but not gone into detail) that he may possibly have hit her - that's a hazy one.
As an example of controlling behaviour. I was having a chat with J one evening when she was talking about her career. She's been in a junior position for around 9 years and I suggested that given her skills and experience she should redress her CV and go for much more senior positions. My mate overheard the conversation, stormed up to me dragged me away by my arm and said quite categorically that J does not want to move up and he doesn't think she has the "ability" (those aren't his actual words) to do anything like I was suggesting. And no she doesn't want to hear what I've said. Forgive me if I may have phrased all of that wrong, but I came away with the distinct feeling it doesn't matter what she thinks he knows better.
I'm not one, for idly, standing by when something not quite right is going on. So I'm seeking thoughts and opinions from the greater mumsnet community.
So given this scenario, I've intervened and I've talked him around to understanding that he has a control/abuse problem and that he is perpetrating it against his partner. And get him to go to some type of therapy (which type I don't know but Respect is looking pretty good at the moment). But the whole field and subject area is confusing to me and I don't know which sort would be good to suggest.
I would prefer not to hear "chop his cock off and feed it to the dogs" - my grandmother's personal opinion, which isn't really real world.
So can it happen, can a man like above actually be rehabilitated? Is it possible in the real world? Or should I get DW to tell her to "LtB"
Finally, I know it may look like I'm sticking my nose in where its not supposed to be, But if J is going though an abusive relationship, my conscience says given what she did for DW I must be in the position to return the favour (does that make sense).
Thanks
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Relationships
This isn't me - but can an abusive man be rehabilitated
38 replies
mirtzapine · 14/10/2013 10:17
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