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Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

(1001 Posts)
Whatnext074 Sat 12-Oct-13 23:52:29

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

redundantandbitter Mon 04-Nov-13 08:43:53

Hey what you have hit 1000 posts!!

Are you back at work today?

I go back tomorrow - GP today. You are my inspiration, if what can do it, then so can I. (Not helping myself by sneaking a look at them both on FB before even getting out of bed). Hey ho.

Good luck With whatever you're doing today

springylippy Sun 03-Nov-13 18:10:13

Then his response doesn't match what you said in your email. You didn't say you wanted him back, so why is he talking as if you did? I'd be tempted to put him straight on that.

Well done for sending a restrained email! amazing in the circs.

I think I said on one of your threads that alcohol makes me soooooo depressed the next day that I no longer touch it. It just wasn't worth it. btw it's a diaretic (makes you wee all the nutrients away) so stock up on a double doze of multi-vits/mins esp vit C. And drink a lot of water to replenish and also flush it out of your system. (I'm an old hand at this!)

I hope you start to bob up again soon. You have done marvellously whatnext. Really, I am so impressed. You went from the very depths (the very very depths) to organising yourself, facing him and keeping absolutely calm, then sending what was a restrained email in the circumstances. You've done so well.

Whatnext074 Sun 03-Nov-13 17:35:57

I didn't say in the email that I loved him or wanted him back. It was more saying that I would have loved him forever and he could have trusted me. Not a good idea to text, call or email after a few drinks but reading back what I wrote, it could have been a lot worse and I'm surprised I was restrained.

I am so utterly sad today, might be the drink last night, seeing my H, knowing he has taken this week off work for his birthday (he never does that) so I'm guessing he has something planned with OW - but that isn't going to help me is it?! I'm just torturing myself again.

Thanks for the links and it's comforting to know that others have sent texts/emails.

This is so hard.

Thanks for your support.

BlueSkySunnyDay Sun 03-Nov-13 17:06:04

I think the problem is a few drinks always seem like a good idea, but alcohol is a depressant - I have no particular problems but I went down like a stone after a couple of glasses of wine last night, I can totally see how you could end up sobbing with what you are going through.

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 03-Nov-13 16:59:48

Another one who sent drunken texts once or twice in the early days.

Not anymore. I try to have as little as possible to do with him when he comes over to collect the children for visits etc.

Xx

itwillgetbettersoon Sun 03-Nov-13 16:47:30

Don't worry About. I'm sure many of us on MN have done the same - I certainly have. I think it is because we never suspected this to happen to us, thought that our Hs would talk to us first about any problems and then once they have gone are amazed how quickly they move on with their new lives leaving children, family members and friends shocked.

But that is their script - they all follow the same one!!

Your script is different and unique. You are doing so well. I do find Alcohol makes me very sad the next day - doesn't stop me drinking the stuff!! But I am aware that the next day I am so down. I usually try to occupy myself or exercise.

Another new week. How about giving some thought to the New York trip with your wonderful son?

Keep strong we are all with you.

BlueSkySunnyDay Sun 03-Nov-13 16:35:19

Hi What - I did think of you yesterday and it sounds like you did brilliantly.

What an arse he is - sobbing all over the place then sending you that email in response to yours.

I'd have been tempted to reply "I have moved on as you saw, it was you who was the mess" Could you block the ability to send him emails and texts and tell him all future communication needs to be via the solicitor?

I am so glad I couldnt text or email my ex (before either existed) I can imagine after a few drinks it would seem like a good idea - so perfectly normal for where you are in the process.

redundantandbitter Sun 03-Nov-13 15:03:11

Sorry what didn't mean to detract from your evening . It just shows that you are still sore, hurting and in love with your h. He says he woukd look after you but has gone back on his word/vows. Don't beat yourself up - it's done now. Maybe you could do what the other poster did and block his email so that it doesnt happen again....

Are you back at work tomorrow hun?

redundantandbitter Sun 03-Nov-13 15:00:07

Oh I love the script link. Urgh, nodding and ticking off the list. I was the OW and yes, he did a significant amount of these things. I am so embarrassed and ashamed for him. if only he could see this link! Not moving out at the last minute. Marriage guidance when still seeing me. 'Self harming' when dw kicked him out.. I never loved you, we should never have married, Oh, all so familiar. Cold hearted. Doing jobs around the house. Yes, yes, yes. Anyway it got too boring with me after he moved out, alone in his little house, so he's found himself a more spiritual model. Though I can't help wonder what he's told her about my faults .

skyeskyeskye Sun 03-Nov-13 14:35:13
skyeskyeskye Sun 03-Nov-13 14:33:41

It is very hard when the person that you love and trust most in the world, that you think will never hurt you, becomes the one to inflict so much pain on you.

They become cold and callous because they have moved on, they have had the time to adjust that you haven't.

Try reading the following links

http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/the-leaver-and-the-left

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

There is a real roller coaster of emotions that you have to go through. You had a good time which is great but probably inevitable that you also crashed down again.

It makes you feel better to tell him how you feel but he doesn't want to her it as he doesn't want to feel guilty about about what he has done. He obviously found it difficult to face you but remotely behind a screen the coldness is back.

Remind yourself that the man you loved is gone and won't be back.

But well done for going out in the first place, that took a lot if courage.

One day at a time, one step at a time.

Putitonthelist Sun 03-Nov-13 14:25:31

What I think many of us can relate to texting/emailing when we've had a drink. I did it myself after two months of NC. Luckily I'd blocked him on Outlook and the email never sent, it just sat in the Junk folder until I deleted it the next morning.

It was a turning point for me and I think it will be for you too. You sent it, he replied and I don't think you'll do it again. You just needed to do it. You are movng on but it does take time. I understand what you mean about how you feel you could cope better if he'd passed away. You are grieving for the death of a relationship and it's the same process.

Stay strong x

springylippy Sun 03-Nov-13 14:11:41

Your show of strength is not lost. He is being a cold-hearted shit (sorry, I jsut can't help it.)

Dust yourself off lovely. YOu did so well yesterday, please dont think this lapse takes the tarnish off that. Of course you'll wobble sometimes! It's been a monumental thing to absorb. Go easy on yourself. Big hug.

Have you got anything planned for today? Marple's just starting on telly now. I always like a bit of Marple. With toast and tea <yum>

cjel Sun 03-Nov-13 14:03:14

Oh dear, tut tut!! smileYou haven't let yourself down at all, remember you were the strong in control when it mattered. Anyone is allowed drunken emails - as long as they don't dwell on them too long!

Don't contact him again, he can just think what he wants if it gives his ego a boost thats not up to you.
I know what you mean about sometimes feeling it would be easier if they had died but I don't think that is true it would only mean that we didnt have to have the scab picked over again every time we see them.

Don't beat yourself up, You felt great you saw him, you went out got drunk had a bit of a good time then didn't. Perfectly normal ups and downs , today may be low but doesn't have to be you can choose. if you want a time wallowing thats ok, but if you feel like doing something to take your mind off last night thats good too.xx

Oh dear I had a feeling that something like this might happen. It's all completely NORMAL & part of the grieving process. It was a combination of alcohol & having a good time combined with the cold realisation that your life has totally veered off the track it was on through no fault of your own.

Please don't feel like you've let yourself down by emailing him. You didn't say anything about wanting him back did you?

If I were you I'd send another email today. Explain that yes, you are moving on but he at least owes you the right to get stuff off your chest & that's exactly what you were doing in your email last night. You can at least do it now with the benefit of it being in the cold light of day & you can choose your words carefully. He's not the same man he used to be so you wouldn't even want him back (you can take that one for the email!). Tell him that if you are to get any closure then it's important for him to know the way you used to feel & what he has lost - not just you but your ds & any kind of security.

I'm sure that if you compose a carefully worded (& sober!) email then you will feel miles better once you press that send button.

Whatnext074 Sun 03-Nov-13 13:28:08

I drank, I danced and had a good time with my friends. Then I fell apart, really fell apart, an absolute sobbing mess.

Then I did something I shouldn't and I emailed my H. I told him he could have always trusted me and I would have loved him forever. He replied this morning saying he's left, he's not coming back and we need to move on.

I've let myself down after showing strength. I think I'm moving on very slowly but I am still in disbelief at what he's doing. He promised me he'd never hurt me, he's hurt me more than anyone else.

It would be easier if he had passed away as I could grieve properly. The pain of this is so hard.

itsmeisntit Sun 03-Nov-13 11:06:56

What l hope you are nursing a huge hangover this morning after a night on the tiles smile

cjel Sun 03-Nov-13 10:59:45

morning WHAT. Hope last night wasn't as tearful as last weekend!x

mrscraig Sun 03-Nov-13 08:43:31

How's your head?!
Have a relaxing day today- you were (to borrow my daughters fave phrase) EPIC yesterday xx

mammadiggingdeep Sun 03-Nov-13 07:55:34

Morning what....hope you had a good night. Hope you're ok this morning and have a good day today.

X

Morning what how was your night out?

You will have to start a new thread soon 'whatnext - onwards, upwards & better than before'!

What (and everyone else) there is a London meet up planned for 30 November if you are up for it! Thereof a thread about it... in MeetUps I think. You should come!

Hope you are having a fab night out.

redundantandbitter Sun 03-Nov-13 00:05:21

Night what , bloody well done today. Hope you had a good old chat and dance and a great time. You were fab today.

cjel Sat 02-Nov-13 22:35:04

HaHa took me a minute to re read that gringringringrin

Jux Sat 02-Nov-13 22:32:54

Not surprised, cjel. When I'm not wearing them we go camping in them grin

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