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DH has said he's feeling suicidal...I don't know what to do.

(13 Posts)

We've been having problems for the last few days, sorry to keep posting but I don't have anyone to talk to.

He moved out a couple of days ago, saying he needed space. He has a lot of anger issues and can be quite hard to live with. I know a lot of women say things like this, but he has VERY valid reasons to be angry. He had an abusive childhood and never really dealt with it. He doesn't abuse me (in my opinion, maybe borderline if he's having a bad patch), but he's suffered from some deep depressions which have been hard on the both of us. I have to, but I'm turn it in on myself, rather than out on everyone else. I'd like to point out, he's more than pointed out his behaviour is unacceptable and that is why he has left, even though he doesn't want to.

We started communicating by writing things down and I've just read the first thing he's written me. It says he thinks about killing himself as he thinks he's evil and can't pretend not to be anymore. It's "in his DNA" etc (his Dad is a vile, abusive, violent...NON-PERSON. To give you an idea he tipped a just boiled kettle into DH's bare lap when he was not even 2 years old because he wouldn't stop crying...that is one thing from an exhaustive list)

He wants me and DD to find someone who can make us happy as it's what we deserve and that's not him while he's like this (his words).

I just don't know what to do. Short term, I want to whisk him away from everything and tell him it'll all be OK, but that doesn't really solve anything. I've accepted the fact that we may not be able to resolve this between us, but I still really want him to sort out his problems as he loves our DD very much and will always be in her life. The thought of him suffering with these thoughts on his own for so long has broken my heart. He's not saying it to stop me from leaving...he left as he knows his behaviour is affecting us. That says to me he means it, and it's not mind games.

What can I do to help him? Practically if not emotionally? He's going away to stay with an old friend who lives by the sea for a few days for some head-space, I think it will be good for him, I just feel helpless and I love him so much...I just want to see him stable and happy, even if we can't be together.

bundaberg Thu 03-Oct-13 20:14:42

you can't do anything unless he wants to help himself tbh. it's hard, but true.

if he really feels like this then he needs to see his GP. Perhaps you could offer to go with him?

teaandtoastplease Thu 03-Oct-13 20:15:03

Do you have the number for your local crisis team? They were a great support to both me and my dh when I was suffering with suicidal thoughts.

It is horrible to feel suicidal but from talking to dh I know how helpless you must be feeling.

I told dh to leave and take dc with him but once the fog cleared I realised that wasn't what I wanted. Hopefully this will also be the case for your dh.

Could you encourage him to speak with his gp? I was given a community psychiatric nurse and lots of support and councelling.

I hope things get better for you all soon.

Lweji Thu 03-Oct-13 20:15:09

Has he sought professional help?

And you too?

I've told him to...I said it just now. He is a recovering alcoholic and gave up off his own back around a month ago. He went to the GP then for help but just kind of clammed up (I have a feeling it MAY have been because I was there) and so all he really got was told to change his habits, was referred to the drug and alcohol team who are useless (bless the people who work for them but the admin is terrible).

He is DEEPLY depressed...I've been there, I know the signs. Where I hid from the world and isolated myself...he blows up at the world and isolates himself. He DOES want help...I just don't think he knows the full extent of what's wrong.

I'll look into the crisis team, that's great to know you get so much help, thank-you. I don't want him to think I'm trying to pressure him, he has made a big step admitting it to me, and taking himself out of the situation as he doesn't want to cause us any harm (not physically, I know he'd never hit me or DD, I genuinely know that).

cestlavielife Thu 03-Oct-13 23:32:02

Tell his friend to get him seen by professionals , to get medical help .
Nothing else you can do.
He has to want to have that help but people around him can make those 999 calls or get him to a and e for assessment.

BillyBanter Thu 03-Oct-13 23:44:20

He might find it easier to write down what he wants to say or to give the GP what he has written for you.

Alternatively you are allowed to tell someone else's GP of your concerns. Or ask your own GP for advice.

I might suggest the writing down thing....because he really struggles with talking about his emotions and he'll go expecting some magic answer even if he doesn't give enough information...if he can hear the Dr shut down...he will just finish, rather than pressing on and saying "no...you don't understand...it's like THIS!"

frogslegs35 Fri 04-Oct-13 06:51:43

It sounds like he already see's he needs help.
Encourage him to write everything down, exactly how he feels and why he feels like that - it's a really good idea as you've said he struggles to speak about emotions.
My GP's can get an apointment with the MH emergency assessment team within 48 hours if they feel people need it (is that available where you are?) but the crisis team is also another good option. As someone else mentioned - you can speak to his GP or your own to get advice.

Even though he's done a good thing in stoppping the alcohol - his abstinence can cause him to be depressed (on top of any already present)
it's to do with the brains ability to produce new neurons after becoming suddenly teetotal - (A study was done by a Professor Clyde Hodge but there's a lot of other info out there too.)
Unless he addresses this and the psychological reasons and anger that made him abuse alcohol then unfortunately the alcohol abuse can become a vicious circle.

I hope he and you find a way through the darkness and get the help that's needed.
Good luck.

Lweji Fri 04-Oct-13 07:41:16

It's a good thing he has told you all this.

I was the one who told exH's neurologist about his suicidal thoughts.
He wouldn't either.

So, if necessary kick start it and then leave him to it. It's always the initial step that's hardest.

crochetkate Fri 04-Oct-13 07:45:34

Maybe he could call these people they are anonymous and specialise in men who are depressed or suicidal. They were great for helping my DP learn to talk about his feelings?

teaandtoastplease Fri 04-Oct-13 09:11:28

My dh struggles with talking about his feelings too, he eventually told me how he was feeling (he was worried it would cause me to relapse) and we decided together he needed to see the gp. I got him to write a list of symptoms and he found it much easier that way to discuss things with the gp. He was diagnosed and put on meds and offered counselling (which he doesn't feel ready for yet)

I hope your dh gets the help he needs.

Matildathecat Fri 04-Oct-13 14:09:14

Please don't 'ignore' his suicidal thoughts. By that I mean don't do nothing. It's a huge myth that people who say they wish to die are just saying it. In fact it's the opposite.

If you have his words written down could you show this the his GP?

Also make sure the friends are well aware.

Is he on anti d's? Sounds like he needs very prolonged therapeutic help, too.

Wishing you both well.

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