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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Went on a date with a slight cold...

20 replies

silverphotoframe · 03/10/2013 09:35

A few weeks ago I started a thread about feeling scared about the prospect of dating again after a being single since becoming pregnant with my DD, who is 2 years old.

Within days of writing that thread, I was out with some friends on a rare night out and met a really nice guy. We got on straight away, he seems kind, funny, we never seem to be without things to say etc. I really like him and have hopes it could lead to a relationship etc. We meet up whenever we can for dates and have had a great time in each others company etc.

Because of my DD I invited him for a meal at mine last night. I am at the tail end of a cold, thought about maybe cancelling but after some rest and a hot bath in the afternoon actually felt OK so decided to go ahead. Anyway, he got to mine, I was'nt a sniffling, sneezing mess or anything, but it became apparent that I was actually a bit under the weather, tired etc. I was also aware of my DD who was asleep the whole time so I suppose I was quite distracted by that too. And the fact that it was the first time I've had a man friend round to my house. I guess I was'nt my usual chatty self or being the "hostess with the mostess" etc. I explained how I felt and he was very understanding and reassuring about it but now I just feel like I might have put him off or that he won't want to see me again. I've had lots of shitty relationships in the past so am a bit insecure and don't know if I am just thinking too much into this. He did say that he wanted to see me over the weekend, so I guess that's something.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:

Report

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2013 09:37

If having a cold and not being on sparkling form puts someone off then they're not worth bothering with. Are you sure you're ready for dating if you're having these kinds of insecure wobbles so soon?

Wishfulmakeupping · 03/10/2013 09:38

I wouldn't worry he's already said he want to meet up again he was probably just concerned you we're ok

RaRaZ · 03/10/2013 09:47

I'd say it's a good thing: if he's seen you dull and tired and snotty and ill and he likes he like that, he's bound to like you when you're well and healthy and full of life

silverphotoframe · 03/10/2013 10:21

I probably am just thinking too much into it. I thought that having had a shitload of counselling over the last year that I would'nt be quite so insecure but I guess you don't know until your in the situation. I sort of know intellectually that a man who would be put off by a sniffle or whatever is'nt worth the bother but I can't sort of help myself. I was'nt sure about when would be the right time to start dating, it has been something that I have been thinking about for something for the future, but then I went out on this night out and met him and its just happened through that. I guess I should take comfort in the fact that he was very nice and reassuring about it and also that he says he'd like to meet up again soon. The whole thing has highlighted my insecurities which is another thing that I don't want to impose on him, as that would definitely put someone off.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2013 10:24

Please be yourself with men rather than being too preoccupied with 'not putting them off'. If you are yourself and they don't like it... tough. If you feel you have to put on a 'hostess with the mostess' act to make them like you, it can be exploited. They should be very grateful that you want to spend time with them - cold or no cold. Not the other way around.

silverphotoframe · 03/10/2013 11:29

Thanks Cogito, that is sound advice. I am repeating that to myself as a mantra so that it sticks. I feel a bit better now.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2013 11:30

Glad you're feeling better.

cumfy · 03/10/2013 12:03

Nothing like a quiet night in with a cold to sort the wheat from the chaff.

Seriously, it sounds like it went really well, hope it goes well at the weekend.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/10/2013 16:38

Oh OP stop overthinking!

Hissy · 03/10/2013 22:41

Love, inviting a man to your home after meeting at a party is a daft idea!

You meet OUT. You organise a babysitter and make sure your child is safe.

Please don't do that again?

It's also a crap habit to get into. Go OUT, be a woman, not 24hr mum!

FrancescaBell · 04/10/2013 00:59

Er hang on...the OP said she met him on a night out with friends and they've had lots of dates. I'd have thought it was quite normal to invite a chap round for dinner after all that.

I'm sure it will be fine, OP. What you're probably struggling with is that showing someone your home and surroundings is a level up from dating, in the intimacy stakes isn't it? You're sort of taking more of a risk with what you reveal about yourself when someone enters your home and you offer them hospitality. So if he rejected you now (I'm sure he won't) maybe you feel there's more at stake somehow?

Try to think about it another way. He might have welcomed being in a more relaxed environment than crowded bars or restaurants. I bet you heard more of the conversation for starters!!

WhiteandGreen · 04/10/2013 01:28

I wouldn't want to have a man round for the first time with my DD asleep in the other room. Talk about giving yourself inhibitions! If he likes you he'll give you another chance.

Hissy · 04/10/2013 06:21

Oh sorry, I missed the lots of dates thing

As you were! :)

Hissy · 04/10/2013 06:22

I agree with the inhibitions bit though!

It's just not the same when little ones are about, hard to switch off.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/10/2013 06:53

I'm not sure what you expect single parents to do then. Potentially wait weeks or months between dates?

silverphotoframe · 04/10/2013 09:51

We had met up for lots of dates and have literally talked for hours so I felt quite comfortable allowing him into my home. He was'nt a stranger at this stage and I do trust him not to be some sort of weirdo. I invited him round for a meal as otherwise seeing him would be so difficult - made more so because he works 6 days a week. I think that him being in my house made me feel a bit uncomfortable as I was showing him a part of myself - the books on my shelves, my choice of decor etc its all so personal so yes I think there was more at stake. I was showing him more of me and my life. I think I was worried of rejection at this stage and the cold did'nt help.

OP posts:

WhiteandGreen · 04/10/2013 09:53

I would expect them to make sure they really like a guy before their kids meet him Bit. I would also expect that any meeting between child and new partner would be something planned - not just bumping into him unexpectedly if they wake in the night. I would expect them to think through the consequences of said child waking up in the middle of the night and hearing the date in progress.

I'm not saying that a date a home would always be a no no, but with a new fella, it would just seem a bit wrong to me and I wouldn't do it. And I am a single parent.

CuChullain · 04/10/2013 10:29

If he is truely interested a slight cold would not put him off and he would wait until you are feeling better before going on another date. I went on a date with my full leg in plaster and crutches once, definately got the sympathy vote on that one as told tales of my daring do on the rugby field that led to the break.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/10/2013 11:54

whiteandgreen I didn't say he should meet the kids. Her DD was asleep upstairs. And nowhere has she said he was staying the night

Believe me I waited over 2 years before I introduced my new partner to my kids. So I'm not advocating rushing anything. Just that if you're a single parent with a job and little childcare support, it makes sense to meet at home.

And he's not a "new fella"

fromparistoberlin · 04/10/2013 13:28

insecure wobbles

BUT, maybe inviting to you r home was too soon? as sounds lilke dates were fine, but home made you feel a bit weird?

stick to dates a for a while longer maybe, take it slow. Its fine, if he is nice he will get it

x

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