Husband railroading me into moving in with his mother for a few months

[seoladair]

Our house purchase has been very tricky and I have posted about the practical and financial questions associated with it.

Another problem is that, as we will probably have be homeless for 6-8 weeks at least (or possibly even longer if the vendor continues to be tricky), and my husband had agreed we would rent somewhere as I had made clear I couldn't live with MIL.

While I was away he got bounced into increasing our offer on the property, and has offered all the money that would have covered rent to the vendor. (Nothing signed yet, so we are not committed, but still it's going to be harder to negotiate down again)

He is now away on a work trip and has been sending me bullying texts all day saying that me and our toddler have to move in with his mother.
I'm not intending this to be a MIL-bashing thread - suffice to say I tried living there 2 years ago when our child was a small baby, and it was a nightmare. I still feel distressed by it, and couldn't contemplate going there. MIL's own daughter is almost estranged from her, and MIL shouted aggressively and hysterically at me last summer in front of my then 15 month-old baby. The thought of going back into all that just makes me want to weep.

DH said I should write a list of all the things I dislike about being there, and MIl will try to improve. I think that is an appalling idea.

I feel as though this will tear apart our marriage, which is awful as the only time we ever exchange cross words is when there is something involving his mother.

[seoladair]

Sorry for unclear grammar in last post - I am just upset and typing too quickly...

[nameimadeupjustnow]

Okay, what's the alternative?

[perfectstorm]

He has no right to ask this of you, given what happened last time. And the idea you should write a list of why you find his mother unbearable, presumably to show her, is the craziest idea I've ever heard. How is that going to improve relations?

His trying to railroad you is horrible. Have you friends or relatives that you could stay with instead? If not he's going to have to accept that he can drum his heels and demand the moon if he wants - doesn't mean he'll get it.

[payhisdebt]

what is the alternative ?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Look, sorry, but it's not just MIL that's the problem, is it? Your H seems to think that your wishes are completely unimportant and he's just going to do what he wants to do, while treating you like a disobedient pet.

[seoladair]

SolidGold - yes, that's the worst bit. I have already compromised on where to live, as I'd love to be nearer my parents, and for our daughter to grow up there. My husband won't, partly because his mother would go nuclear if we moved away.

I have made it clear all along that we would have to rent if there was to be a hiatus between selling and moving in to the new place. He has offered more than he should have, and to my mind, spending the rent money is like spending the estate agent commission or the stamp duty. If rent is part of the cost of moving, that just has to be accepted.

The alternative is to get B & B for a few nights a week in a cheap hotel near my part-time work in London. DD and I could spend 3 nights at my parents, 3 nights in hotel with DH and 1 night with his mother. I can cope with that. He has said that's too expensive, but it works out cheaper than paying train fares for the 120-mile round trip commute from his mother.

[perfectstorm]

He has said that's too expensive, but it works out cheaper than paying train fares for the 120-mile round trip commute from his mother.

So he's actually expecting you to spend more just so he can make you live with his Mummy again? And he's insisting you keep living close to her, even though that means you see less of your own parents and she has verbally abused you in the presence of your child before?

Bloody appalling.

[Lweji]

Why are you moving?
If you can't afford the new house, just don't buy it and don't sell yours.

And if he is bullying you that much, suggest that he could well move into his mother's instead.

[seoladair]

We have to sell as the toddler is presently sleeping in the living room, and there are no good schools nearby. Anyway, we've already exchanged contracts on our sale.
He's been more reasonable today thank god. He quite likes my suggestion of cheap hotels and a night a week at his mum's. Thank you all for helping me to stick to my guns. I think his mother has narc personality disorder - very sparkly and vivacious in company, good-looking (aged 79 - she still looks lovely!) but she thinks every situation is about her, and can be spectacularly, eye-wateringly rude to people, but everyone creeps around her being ultra-polite, for fear of her rage.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Pull out of the house purchase entirely.

Take half the money and move to where you want with your child away from this man who bullies you.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Unfortunately, your H takes after his mother and is going to get worse. There's no fixing a bully of a partner; in the end you will have to bin him.

[Lweji]

That's good.
Keep sticking to your guns.
Chairs, tables, door frames...

[Meerka]

Oh good grief - well done for sticking up for what you want - very well done - and keep going! And um ... maybe put your foot down next time somethign similar-ish comes up - your husband really should have checked with you first and respected your absolute refusal to go to his mothers. Mind you it can be easy to get pressured into something if you've got an awkward seller but even so, this was clearly non-negotiable. At least he's listening to you a bit more now :)

[seoladair]

He is normally very gentle and meek, and enables his mother's behaviour. I think having grown up seeing how effective bullying is (i.e. how his mother gets her way through bullying), he thought a combination of emotional blackmail and bullying would work with me.

[Fairenuff]

Tell him he can move in with the toddler but you will be living elsewhere. Then see if he is keen.

[perfectstorm]

Good luck, OP. I hope things right themselves and that you manage not to throttle MIL that one night a week! Impressed that you stood your ground, too.

[Loopytiles]

He is meek to his mother and bullying to you!

Sell as planned, rent somewhere you think you might like, don't buy rightawat. Re-visit the question of where you live. Why would you live near MIL when she's a PITA?

Ridiculous that your H offered more money than you could afford to the vendor while you were away, were you not contactable?

[seoladair]

I was in an area where I couldn't pick up a mobile signal, and there was no wifi. But he could have waited til I was contactable the next day to ask me - it wasn't urgent.
It felt like a paternalistic thing, that he;s the main breadwinner so he would make the big decision. My earning power is much lower due to motherhood, and I don't pay into the mortgage, and it was his deposit that got him onto the property ladder before I got together with him. I think deep down, he sees it as his property, and that he has the final say, although he probably hasn't thought about it that way.

[perfectstorm]

Have you thought about maybe having some relationship counselling, Soledaire? I don't mean to be dramatic about it, but if his default is to bully when he feels it's useful to get his way as that always worked for his mum, and he sees himself as having more power in the relationship due to money, then perhaps those are attitudes that might benefit from being challenged in a constructive way? All relationships hit flashpoints, after all, and maybe better to look at them when the marriage is relatively solid, than risk them becoming major issues if things should ever become really, really rocky down the road? You sound a bit hurt, too (very understandably) and talking it over as a couple in a supported way might help him understand your perspective, and thus stop it festering?

[clam]

Not so very deep down, I'd say.

[seoladair]

Thank you all for your thoughtful advice.
He means very well, but just doesn't think very deeply about things. He's actually very naive. I think he'd be deeply shocked if I suggested relationship counselling.

[Loopytiles]

Those attitudes are not ok. You don't have to go through with the house purchase and it's as much your decision as his.

[Lweji]

Perhaps I'm an old cynic, but your posts leave me uncomfortable.
They sound apologetic for him and minimising.

I hope I'm wrong, but I'd strongly advise you to take a long cold look at your relationship.

He should not think you have less decision rights because you're at home.

There is also sonething else.
Are you 100% sure the new purchase is being that difficult? Can't you go for something else?
You won't be renting, but going to cheap hotels and staying at his mum's once a week.

Who'll mind your baby?

This could go horribly wrong with him and her putting pressure on you to stay there longer. The purchase may well fall through, he keeps the sale money and you are stuck.
Please be vigilant and extra careful.

[Lweji]

Also don't be fooled by gentleness and meekness.
My exH was to the outside.

Not saying he is like that, but make sure you are fully involved in the house decisions (you don't seem to be) and keep your wits about you.

[seoladair]

my husband and i are both freelance so our daughter will be OK - partly cared for by us, and also in the hotel room by a babysitter who has known her since she was about 3 months old, so I'm not worried about that. MIL worries me more, as she has been very careless with my daughter in the past, but that's a different thread.

Re the house move; I have been extremely involved, and was negotiating the lease extension business. I was being very careful about it, and was holding the offer of more money in reserve as I though if we gave too much away to the estate agent they would push for every last penny. It was while I was away that DH caved in. I have just seen another property on zoopla that ticks lots of boxes, so will inquire today, and hopefully we can walk away from this quagmire!