Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Disastrous date feeling a bit frightened

(181 Posts)
Dearjackie Mon 30-Sep-13 22:47:55

I went on a second date with someone tonight. We got along so well on both dates I felt at ease with him. I asked if he wanted to come in for a drink when we got to mine making clear it was just for drink

God I feel quite freaked out at the moment and I don't know if I've over- reacted but I didn't feel very safe so had to tell him to leave. He looked quite shocked and said are you serious like he couldn't believe he'd upset me. What is wrong with me can't I trust anyone?

TheCrumpetQueen Wed 02-Oct-13 09:11:50

^Agree.

I met my partner online and for the first few dates it was in very public places and where my family knew where I was just in case. You can't be too careful.

I think one of the dating rules should be you don't invite people who are essentially strangers round your house after knowing them for a few hours

MrsMinkBernardLundy Wed 02-Oct-13 07:44:10

Hissy thanks

Hissy Wed 02-Oct-13 07:33:30

Victims of abuse often go on to attract more creatures of similar types.

This is because - I feel - we give off something in our demeanour that they are attracted to.

When we see a potential threat, as you have done here dearjackie, and vanquish that perceived demon, our confidence grows, we develop a kind of emotional force field that actively and actually REPELS potentially dodgy/abusive dates.

When we realise our ability to protect ourselves is there and we can trust it, as you have, that force field is established.

Until we deal with past abuse, deal with the issues that caused that abuse to be perpetrated against us, we'll have this potential homing beacon for twats.

Investing in ourselves,healing ourselves of the wounds of past dysfunctional relationships will protect and ensure our safety in the future... as long as we trust our instincts, and value ourselves above everyone else when it really matters.

When you get to this place, it's awesome! You feel invincible and know that you can spot and repel a person that may harm you or mess up your head. This in turn helps keep these weak, snide, desperate little creatures away from you.

Remember, for someone to be with you, they have to be worthy of the best job in the world; to be loved by you, so make sure they're worth it!

This man is a desperate creep and an abuser, and you were absolutely right to throw him out. You owe him nothing at all: not sex, not a rrelationship, not another date, not a discussion about why you don't want to see him again.
If there are any more emails, reply along the lines of 'I don't want to take this any further, have a nice life and do not contact me again.' If he carries on pestering you, it's fine to inform the police that you are being harassed. A friend of mine dumped a short-term boyfriend for assorted red flags, he harassed her with emails, phonecalls, flowers etc and she involved the police. She said she felt a bit silly doing that but the police were marvellous, took her complaint seriously and went and warned the man off.

perfectstorm Tue 01-Oct-13 22:18:35

You know, I read something recently that talked about how many women are victims of rape because they are so socialised into being polite and accommodating that they learn to dismiss their misgivings and turn off their protective radar when something isn't right. And so they go along with all kinds of initial approaches that actually unsettle them, because they tell themselves they're over-reacting and being hysterical, and then it's too late.

This guy was trying really hard to pressure you into sex, spoke unpleasantly about women who are sexually active, tried to talk you into taking things into bed "just to cuddle" (good luck with reporting a rapist who did that first after a date, sadly) and then started asking if you were frightened. Sure, he may have meant that innocently. But someone in work requiring an enhanced CRB should know all about boundaries, and safeguarding. And I would have been scared shitless, too.

I think you should be proud of yourself. He might have been harmless but weird and creepy, in which case you wanted him out, and he was being really rude trying to pressure you and gaslighting you. Or he might have been a potential attacker - and by asserting yourself, you removed yourself from that situation. I hope I'd have the guts to do likewise in a similar situation, but honestly I have no idea if I would. I think the social conditioning on being polite and not offending even people invading our space is painfully strong.

Vivacia Tue 01-Oct-13 21:20:03

What's your plan with this man Jackie?

Dearjackie Tue 01-Oct-13 21:18:42

Thank you mink yes I'm feeling a lot better now x

MrsMinkBernardLundy Tue 01-Oct-13 21:08:10

Jackie hope you are feeling better this evening after your unnerving experience thanks

Dearjackie Tue 01-Oct-13 15:07:04

LEM there was an attraction not a mad lust like with ex but that's why I liked it because I didn't want that again to that extent. But I did fancy him until he started behaving like that. I also had felt he was a ice person and we laughed together which I had hoped may be a relationship which would develop slowly. I had all the mad, passionate, dive straight in thing with ex and look where it lead

Dearjackie Tue 01-Oct-13 14:59:19

brokenhearted sorry to read of you experience. I don't think I backed off because I'm emotionally un available . Yes I went through a lot with ex and may have some scars which need to heal but I don't love him anymore, that has defiantly died.

I backed off because he scared me. Also because we had a chat and it turned out although he was wanting a relationship apparently he had asked his ex to marry him only in MAY and here we are in SEPT and he's saying he's over her. I felt that actually he was probably emotionally Unavailable and that made me put the brakes on

whitsernam Tue 01-Oct-13 14:52:27

I think you're really developing good radar for bad situations, and you did absolutely the right thing getting this guy out of your house!!

I have also found that it is best not to invite a guy in at all unless I'm really sure about him, and would be open to sex. They somehow just assume that's on the agenda when invited inside a home.... so you might just keep it to pubic spaces until they seem really trustworthy to you.

Dearjackie Tue 01-Oct-13 14:47:18

Thank you all for helping. I will definately take a look at the freedom program

Dearjackie Tue 01-Oct-13 14:44:06

The point is that even if some guys view a coffee invitation as "a maybe" when he tried I TOLD him clearly it was too soon for that I didn't know him enough, then he STILL tried to push and as soon as he started saying are you frightened THAT freaked me out, because it was a very odd thing to ask in my opinion within the context of what was going on. I took it to mean rightly or wrongly that I may have reason to be frightened of the situation. Also he had some very un- nerving expressions on his face. I am not normally like this but something felt wrong

KouignAmann Tue 01-Oct-13 14:16:18

Great advice hissy
I am a regular from the EA thread (with a new cake name)

Jackie you still sound very fragile and not ready for all this. Be kind to yourself and take more time. We can see it even if you can't.

I am still with my Transition Man after two years. We have a rolling "6 week renewal" clause which has just passed it's 16th review! We both were a bit battered when we met and in need of TLC.

Hissy Tue 01-Oct-13 14:07:22

Love, I had to ring WA, sob down the phone to them for an hour, JUST to get the strength to book myself on the FP!

I've come an AWFUL long way in the last 2 years.

From agoraphobia to chair of a DV charity, and giving talks on DV to up to 80 army personnel/officers.

The FP didn't do all that, but it was an important ingredient!

What have you got to lose? Fear? What have you got to gain? Your strong self back.

No contest really!

It's 12 (free) weeks where you get to hear that none of this was your fault, but also examining the dynamic of what's happened to you, and to your DC.

MrsMinkBernardLundy Tue 01-Oct-13 13:57:38

hissy excellent post. that is what was trying and failing to say about moving on and working through thanks

(still to chicken to do Fp but really should)

Hissy Tue 01-Oct-13 13:16:17

To all those in or out of former abusive relationships, please know that if you don't treat it, the scars will stay forever, there isn't any alternative to therapy/freedom prog imo.

The issues pre-date the abuse, so you have to look at them first, but in context.

The FP isn't a golden bullet, but it's a good start.

Hissy Tue 01-Oct-13 13:13:36

My love, micro analysing a new relationship when you've had dreadful, abusive relationships in thé past is absolutely normal! We have to go through it imo, to understand that we do have all the tools (instinct, balls etc) to spot a 'red flag' and end the relationship right there and then.

So. Lesson 1 complete! You know your instincts are working, and that you have the balls and courage to get yourself out of a less than satisfactory liaison.

Now you can relax a little, and prepare for lesson 2: a better kind of boyfriend.

This won't be the 'Forever Man' either, you will learn from him and move on.

Meantime enjoy the 'Transition Men' keep your eyes and mind open, and your heart and soul protected! smile

You did well here! Really well. Do the freedom programme online asap, but offline too, it's an investment in you that will protect you from future harm as far as twattish blokes are concerned.

Be proud of yourself love, you've started your recovery from an abusive relationship.

Be kind to yourself too, you deserve that!

MissGarth Tue 01-Oct-13 12:30:41

Thanks, interesting what you say about wishing you had spent more time on it..I felt my head might explode if I did any more today so I was planning to do one chapter each day, but maybe I'll do one every other day instead now x

LilyBossom Tue 01-Oct-13 12:23:59

Am so pleased MissGarth smile I found it a bit harrowing I must admit, and wish I had taken a bit more time to do the course, but have found it absolutely invaluable & so worthwhile.

MissGarth Tue 01-Oct-13 12:19:02

LilyBosom, thank you so much for the link upthread to the online Freedom Programme.

I have been thinking for a long time that I needed to do it, but I had a bit of counselling years ago when I left my abuser that really did not help at all so I was always a bit afraid to turn up somewhere else.

Now I'm in a situation where I'm happily married but have managed to get myself entangled in an organisation where the head person is very reminiscent of my abuser and I know I need to do something or else I'll continue to find these people.

I saw in your post about the online programme, have signed up and done chapter 1 this morning, many thanks thanks thanks

SarahBumBarer Tue 01-Oct-13 11:18:46

Yeah - I know, you said on your last thread how well you were doing too when people questioned whether you were dating too soon. But it all sounds a bit manic/too quick to have actually processed anything or its impact on you. Just how it seemed to me but I note what you say.

With regard to the debate about invitations home for coffee - if I am certain that I do not want to sleep with a guy then I do not invite them in for coffee. Hence a coffee invitation is at the least a "maybe". Women see invitations back for coffee in different ways so it is no wonder that guys do too. Regardless of that - it is still my decision whether coffee becomes anything more but any guy that I did invite back would be quite reasonable to think that something more was a possibility.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Tue 01-Oct-13 11:11:11

I don't know anything about your past relationship, but I think you definitely did the right thing last night. I would have been freaked out as well, and definitely got rid. So well done, and always use YOUR instincts they are there for a reason.

Lweji Tue 01-Oct-13 10:47:58

I am a bit hmm at some posts.

If I date, I am in it to find a lover, of course.
But I still expect not to be sleazed into bed by anyone.

I don't think it's the OP's expectations that were the issue here.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now