Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Need some serious advice

(58 Posts)
asianguy123 Fri 27-Sep-13 08:09:25

Ok...So first of all I am Asian and our values are different than the western way (in no way superior or inferior).

I am 24 and never had a gf (Not due to lack of opportunities). I have known a girl from a year or so who's been in 1 relationship for 2 years. After the relationship broke off,she has had casual intimacy(everything except sex) with a very good friend of hers. She tells me she is a virgin and has not gone too far even when both the guys pressurized her and she is completely honest with me.(This is something I really respect). I am also a virgin so no double standards here.

Here are the problems :

1) She got used by her first bf who lured her into marrying her when he just wanted to have it with her. She still has some feelings for her. Do women really get over their first love/first kiss and stuff ? She still remembers poems and stuff he used to write for her which I find pretty immature.

2) I really have a problem with the second guy. The fact that she had some intimate time with him when she knew they don't have a future eats me up. How can she be so casual. She tells that he initiated every time which I don't believe completely. This second guy also made all their stuff public.

3) She is completely honest and transparent with me and regrets everything. But,when we were in our initial phase of our relationship,she felt she had done nothing wrong. It's just when I made her realise some things,she felt she had committed some mistakes. She did have a lot of growing up to do but I cant just forgive her for being immature. I know what she's done before has nothing to do with me,but she is very much emotionally attached to the second guy who was kind of a rebound guy for her. She also once told she remembers all the good time she has spent with this second guy which means this second guy really rocked her life for a year or so.

4) I have heard the capacity to emotionally bond decreases as the number of partners increases. Will she ever be emotionally attached to me and get over all the physical and emotional stuff ? I have all the confidence in the world to rock her world but after every few weeks,I break down as all the mental pictures eat me up.

I don't want to let go off this otherwise wonderful relationship and an honest girl for my own dogmas of life. I know she is kind hearted and brave enough to tell me everything honestly.

Retroformica Sun 29-Sep-13 14:58:24

I agree that her past relationships are non of your business. Why should she feel shame for a small amount if romance? You will drive her away with your immature behaviour.

Retroformica Sun 29-Sep-13 14:55:52

I think it boils down to your insecurities and jealousies. You also seem to think you are entitled to make pretty big judgements about others and instead should look at yourself. How can you be a better person? How can you create the future you want with the people you want? I promise you childish jealous behaviour will drive her away. Jealousy is not an attractive quality.

You need to be a level headed man. You need to show maturity - not looking down your nose at her but looking forward to the future and building a good relationship. Being positive. After all if she loves you, she will stay with you.

But also she actually hasn't had a proper fully involved long term relationship with those two men, only a light bit of romance - which is healthy and normal for a young woman. She is obviously the opposite of a mass serial seducer.

LillyGoLightly Sat 28-Sep-13 13:48:24

Asianguy123

I am sorry to say this but MY WORD....I feel sorry for this poor girl. She has had 2 guys who she has been intimate and shared a connection with and she previously didn't feel any need to feel shamed about it....until YOU made her feel that way!

At 24 I can tell you I had done a lot more than that and do not now or ever feel ashamed of it and nor would I let anybody else tell me otherwise. She had done nothing wrong.

Also I can tell you this....whilst those relationships she had did not work out she does still have fond memories from both, and why not! You don't forget all about a lovely holiday or day out at the beach and say it was terrible just because it rained at the end do you??

If you continue to make her feel shame about her previous actions (which have nothing to do with you and is frankly none of you business) and relationships you will be destroying her self esteem. She will withdraw from the world and she will withdraw from you! I'm guessing that your motivation is withdraw her away from other men, and see to it that she thinks of you as some kind of master (if not then blow me down because that is exactly how your post comes across). You may achieve some small success in this regard over time, but as she withdraws you know what you will be doing??? you will be making the men that were there before you seem like price charmings!! Why....because I bet they didn't try to make her feel utterly awful about choices she made, didn't try and change her moral standings, didn't emotionally abuse her.....yes that's right emotionally abuse her!!!

Emotional abuse is right where you are heading, this is how it starts...you telling her what she did was wrong, and making her feel bad about herself, eroding her self confidence. You will tell yourself and her that you are doing it because you love her and because you can't stand the fact that you feel these other men had taken advantage of her and only wanted her for her body etc etc. This is bollocks!!!, what you can't stand is the fact that she was intimate with someone before you, that she enjoyed herself that way before you, that maybe when you get around to being that intimate with her, you won't or might not measure up to the men she had before....that you might not be as good, and you will make it all her fault!!! You will punish her for your own insecurities, you will control her, you will be paranoid and posessive of her.

My post may sound incredibly harsh, but please really think about what I have said and assess why you really feel the way you feel. She has done nothing wrong, nothing at all. Her past is making YOU feel bad and you have to work out why that is, because the problem here is not her its very much YOU! You need to work on yourself, your self esteem and self confidence, and learning to understand that everyone you meet has a past, past relationships, past habits and past loves....that is life.

If you want to have a successful non abusive relationship with this lady or indeed any lady in the future, than you need to look to yourself and work through your own issues first, because you do have issues that need addressing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 28-Sep-13 09:02:47

Which failed to wind us up... smile <high fives the viperarchy>

Fairenuff Sat 28-Sep-13 08:59:31

Why has OP not come back? I guess the earlier posters were right, this is a wind 'em up thread.

notsostrong1985 Sat 28-Sep-13 08:43:13

Please leave this girl alone. You both have different morals and if you get together you are both going to end up extremely miserable together. The fact that you can't accept her past and make her feel guilty for it will slowly erode her self worth. And the fact that you get upset with her past means that it will over time slowly eat away at you. If you want a virgin then stick to that, don't get with her. Look at the problems you have already and you are not even married or have children.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Fri 27-Sep-13 23:12:11

A father of a daughter not much younger than your GF writes: If you were my daughter's BF, about now, you and I would be having a chat. Actually, I'd be doing the talking, you'd be listening. And nodding furiously.

I don't believe this...

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Fri 27-Sep-13 20:50:41

And by the way you sound absolutely horrible. I sincerely hope you are not as awful as you appear in your post or this girl needs to get away from you. Fast.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Fri 27-Sep-13 20:46:17

You talk about cultural differences but frankly your post just reeks of prejudice.
Grow up. You're not superior to her and you're not as perfect as you think you are. She deserves more than someone who feels he has to 'lower' himself to her level.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 27-Sep-13 19:12:31

Sounds very much like the sort of conversation I have with abusers at my DV perp program.

You need some support to stop acting in a abusive controlling way.

She has not had sex she is pure stop trying to make her feel like she is not.

Xales Fri 27-Sep-13 17:34:39

She was a single woman doing what she wanted. Absolutely nothing wrong with what she did.

There is nothing wrong with remember the good times with a past partner.

her past is her past it is nothing to do with you.

You have no right to impose any moral standards on her or decide hers are wrong. It is not your right to forgive her anything.

Either get over it or break up with her. Either way stop treating her like she has done something wrong.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 27-Sep-13 17:33:39

P.S

Can you read this stuff without getting angry with us?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 27-Sep-13 17:28:54

You sound extremely insecure and it is this you need to think about, instead of punishing other people for it.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 27-Sep-13 17:27:31

I have to agree that if she were here posting about you, using the words you have used, I would be very worried about her

Fairenuff Fri 27-Sep-13 17:09:44

It seems to me that her morals are better than yours.

You are trying to control and shame her. You are bullying her.

You got angry at her? And what gives you the right to do that then?

You have no right to mistreat this woman, she has done nothing wrong.

Where is your human decency?

queenbitchapparently Fri 27-Sep-13 16:35:33

I don't really understand who you are to be making moral judgements for her.
There is a lot of culture superstitions coming out in your op and really they have no place in a loving relationship.
You can't forgive her for things she did begore she met you.
That sounds like you are extremely possessive snd jealous.
Neither are attractive qualities.
You do not own her or her body and she has done nothing wrong for you to forgive.
Tell her to come post on here about you and we can all tell her to run a mile away from you and your judgment.

Dahlen Fri 27-Sep-13 10:29:22

Can you explain what is morally wrong about having physical intimacy with people prior to marriage? What is inherently bad about such behaviour? Does it make someone more likely to abuse small children or mug an old lady?

If the explanation is based in religion, I think you either need to think harder about what your religion means to you and which bits you adhere to, since everyone of whatever faith does that. No one follows all religious dogma 100%. Or you need to find someone whose religious interpretation and life-behaviour is more in line with your own.

Personally, I'd far rather have a partner with a loving, kind personality who has had multiple partners than a virgin with a judgmental attitude. You should consider the fact that she is as wonderful as she is precisely because of her past experiences and her way of forming relationships. As a result of those she has learned about human frailty, the value of tolerance, her own self-worth, and experienced a window into the world of adult relationships that you, quite frankly, are lacking.

scallopsrgreat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:23:16

You are sounding like a misogynist and an abuser. And a 'culture' that involves holding women at a different standard to men, involves forcing 'moral' values on women by men and shaming women because of their past should be eradicated. HTH

Leverette Fri 27-Sep-13 10:21:45

You're a controlling, bullying emotional abuser and your girlfriend should leave you yesterday before she accumulates any more damage to her psyche.

camaleon Fri 27-Sep-13 10:11:50

I would be interested to know what kind of moral standards you have built in her.

I am married to an Asian man who has never shown any problems with my past (and I tell you, I was nothing close to inexperienced with men)

You sound very controlling and I think you should do a serious work on yourself before considering any long-term relationship. Perhaps a bit of experience on your side?

MissStrawberry Fri 27-Sep-13 09:45:27

You sound immature.

When you have really loved someone it can be incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to not have feelings for them and of course she will have memories she can't or doesn't want to forget. Why should she? Do you not have memories if things you have done in the past?

Your OP reads that you think she is not pure enough for you now, you aren't even dating and you are already finding fault with her and being critical about her so I think you need to leave her alone.

She felt she had done nothing wrong because she hadn't and then you bullied her into changing how she felt. Nice hmm.

Why does she have to be brave to tell you things? Is it because she knows she is taking a risk with you as she knows you will kick off?

She is "ready to struggle to be with you"? Bloody hell. This is not a good relationship, this is not nice at all. You are controlling her and you need to leave her the fuck alone.

You sound awful. Being Asian has nothing to do with anything. If you want a woman who has no sexual experience then good luck find one, but leave this poor woman alone as you are obviously going to use her previous choices as a stick to beat her with indefinitely.

You sound like you have shamed and belittled her into feeling like she has done wrong although she didn't feel that before she met you, and yet you still can't forgive her for past behaviour before she met you. That is so, so wrong. It is setting you up for an unequal relationship where you bully and abuse her and she does anything to placate you. That kind of relationship is wrong in any culture.

Please let her go before you cause any more damage.

TheVermiciousKnid Fri 27-Sep-13 09:45:01

There was a very, very similar post a while ago (not the peadophile friend one). Either it's the same bloke hoping to get different responses this time or ...

Lweji Fri 27-Sep-13 09:42:41

Why did you get angry at her?

I have built moral standards in her shock hmm confused angry

You have forced your moral standards upon her.

Please leave the poor woman alone.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now