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Please help me get through today.

(143 Posts)
FuntimeFuschia Sat 14-Sep-13 10:17:04

I found out at about half four this morning that my H has been cheating with a woman he works with. Been suspicious for a few weeks, so checked his phone and there a delightful pic of her in a very gymnastic pose. He owned up pretty swiftly, probably because it was early hours and he'd woken up and realised both me and the phone were missing. Swears blind no sex, yeah yeah bullshit bullshit.
This has happened before, I found out just after ds was born and I chose to stay and work on it. I feel so fucking stupid.
We have to go to a wedding today. There is no way out of it. DC's have a lovely day out and sleepover with my mil and I don't want them to miss out. I don't know how to hold it together watching two very close mutual friends get married, in a church full of mutual friends. He has taken the dc out fora walk this morning to give me some space, but I can just see the day lasting forever. I have had two hours sleep, keep bursting into tears and just don't know what to do.
He's moving out tomorrow, our marriage is over, I am completely overwhelmed by the fallout to come. I feel lost.

Lovingfreedom Sat 14-Sep-13 10:20:04

Do you have a close friend or sister who could go to the wedding with you? Say DH is ill and it's just tough shit to him if he doesn't want to miss it.

FuntimeFuschia Sat 14-Sep-13 10:28:53

All close friends will be there already, my sister lives hundreds of miles away. There really isn't any decent excuse to justify us missing it, like I say the couple are mutual friends. I think we will have to leave early and thank god the dc are away overnight so he can sleep in one of their rooms. I'm sorry, I know this is very disjointed and erratic but I'm in a bit of a mess.

Redoubtable Sat 14-Sep-13 10:29:29

Why put yourself through that? (I did something similar and still kick myself about it).
If you want to go, go, bring a gooooooood friend, fill them in, get a little squiffy and throw him and his cr*p out of your head for a day.

Or if it's his thing, let him go alone, let him lie to the friends, and spend the day packing his stuff while kids are away having fun.

No-one will judge you for not showing up today.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 14-Sep-13 10:32:18

If the couple are friends, they will understand it must be something serious if you pull out of attending. You don't have to go into details... say you're unwell or something like that. Having attended my DB's wedding not long after my own marriage broke up and having to keep my emotions so artificially in check, it was a horrible experience that in hindsight I would not repeat.

Tell the happy couple the truth at a later date.

Lovingfreedom Sat 14-Sep-13 10:34:52

Agree... There will be lots more people there. You not being there won't ruin their day. There's never enough time at weddings for the bride and groom to speak to everyone anyway. Have a quiet word with your sister or someone you trust.

siblingrevelry Sat 14-Sep-13 10:37:00

This is the time to feign severe food poisoning or another debilitating illness that comes on suddenly.

In the future you can be honest, but for now thx bride & groom don't need to know the truth as you don't want their day overshadowed (please don't take that as harsh as it sounds).

I'm so sorry this has happened x

Xales Sat 14-Sep-13 10:37:19

Put yourself first.

You are in no fit state for you to go and try to put a brave face on at a wedding the day yours falls apart. It is far better you do not go to this wedding and bawl your eyes out, get drunk, argue, fight, have an atmosphere at your table with your H than go and do any of that.

If they are really good friends they will understand.

Let your kids go and have their day out and spend sometime on your own or with a close friend you can call round.

Icklemariposa01 Sat 14-Sep-13 10:40:46

U ok FFF?

What happened?
X

WetDog Sat 14-Sep-13 10:42:10

Definitely don't go. You're going to be distressed enough as it is. What if you can't hold it together during the service? You'll feel awful.

As has been said, good friends would more than understand why you didn't make it.

All you have to do is contact another guest, ask them to send your apologies to the bride and groom, and that you'll explain to them what has happened when you are able, or something like that.

I wouldn't want a friend of mine to sit through my wedding devastated and feeling like shit. In fact I'd probably be a bit upset that they felt they still had to attend after something so serious has happened.

Be kind to yourself, don't put yourself through it.

FuntimeFuschia Sat 14-Sep-13 10:51:21

Oh god thank you all, am crying again now. I really can't go, can I? I hate him. He's obviously feeling very sorry for himself and I think he wants me to feel sorry for him too. Not spoken to anyone yet, but I need to, to make it real if that makes sense. I don't know what to tell dc, they are 2 and nearly 4. I don't know how I will manage financially. I am scared of disappointing my family. I didn't want this for my children. I am absolutely certain its over and he'll be out the door tomorrow but the consequences are terrifying.

Hissy Sat 14-Sep-13 10:59:08

Sweety, be kind to yourself! I don't think anyone could be expected to pull off attending a wedding the same say as finding out they'd been cheated on!

What if you can't hold it together? (almost certain) you run the risk of ruining their big day. You'd never forgive yourself for that.

Food poisoning, and the truth later, well after they've come back from honeymoon.

They will understand. Anyone would understand.

Lovingfreedom Sat 14-Sep-13 11:00:40

You don't need to tell kids anything today. Send them for their day out as planned. Get Mr MeMeMe out of the house so you can get some clear thinking and breathing space. You don't need to sort everything out today. Advise you not to talk to him. He will make you more confused and stressed. You probably know enough for now. Spend time with a friend instead if there's someone about.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 14-Sep-13 11:04:08

" I am scared of disappointing my family."

If your family decide you are the disappointment because your husband shags around then they're not much of a family. If one of your own DCs came to you in the future and said 'Mum, my partner's been cheating and we're splitting up' would you say 'I'm so disappointed in you'? Would you tell them to stay together? Or would you say 'what help do you need?'

Your DCs are too small to know anything other than Dad's going away for a while. Get your family and friends close and stay strong.

FuntimeFuschia Sat 14-Sep-13 11:07:40

No, I wouldn't ever forgive myself if any of this impacted on their day. I am tempted to go by myself but I have a big gob when pissed smile so not a good plan really. I think food poisoning may be the way forward.
Thank you all again. I will be staying on here if thats ok, have always thought this board was ace.

PrincessKitKat Sat 14-Sep-13 11:19:26

Didnt want to read & run. So sorry he's done this FF. I can't imagine.

Yeah, if I were in your shoes Id definitely be a liability at a wedding - too much booze & all those hearts & flowers... The couple will absolutely understand.

Is there someone you can be with today?

And your OH is disgusting. Don't give his self pity and guilt a second thought, he deserves to feel like shit.

If you go, go without him.

If you can't face it, and you don't have to, send him and make your excuses.

While he's gone pack his shit. This half honestly business is part of the script. I'd put money on them having sex and he doesn't deserve you.

Don't let him sleep in th children's room. Tell him he's out. Today. And fuck him if he has to sleep rough. He did this. Not you.

Redoubtable Sat 14-Sep-13 11:34:04

He's feeling sorry for himself....diddums.
He wasnt feeling sorry when he was taking gymnastics lessons was he?

Pause on telling kids anything until you've got your head sorted; he can be gone for work, or out late or 100 other reasons why dads are not at home at bedtime.

Financially, it'll take work to sort it out. Any chance he might drain your accounts now you've discovered it?
''I am scared of disappointing my family''....now is not the time to get into family dynamics but if they are anything less than knocking your door in with offers of help, then deal with them later.
''I didn't want this for my children''....you didnt choose this for them, he did. Silly boy. You are actually doing them a great service in letting them see that this is not how partners treat each other.

It is terrifying, I wont minimse it. But you can and will get through this.

FuntimeFuschia Sat 14-Sep-13 12:13:09

Ok so he's come back and admitted more, still denying sex (bollocks) but that he feels strongly for her, doesn't love me anymore. Have slung him out. He's gone to his mums, will pick kids up later and they can still have their sleepover. I am going to ring my mum, most likely sob all over her and then pull myself together and try and get to my friends wedding. Have given another friend the heads up, and spoken to my sister. So it's all really happening now. Deep breaths.

FuntimeFuschia Sat 14-Sep-13 12:17:39

I'm sure my family won't be disappointed in me, but its just that nagging feeling people will wonder what I did to make him go off with a girl who poses for photos of her spreading her legs in a toilet cubicle.

Redoubtable Sat 14-Sep-13 12:26:18

"people will wonder what I did to make him go off with a girl who poses for photos of her spreading her legs in a toilet cubicle"

or

people will wonder why you settled for a guy who will go off with a girl who poses for photos of her spreading her legs in a toilet cubicle.

My mantra
those who matter dont mind and those who mind dont matter.

You are a brave and strong lady. Chin up, he doesnt deserve you.
If you are going to go ahead with the wedding, good luck.

jkklpu Sat 14-Sep-13 12:30:54

This is really hideous, so sorry for you. Well done for telling your family and some friends so they can offer support. Think carefully about whether a wedding is really the best place for you to be dealing with this today, though. There are always all those superficial conversations about how you and your family are - can you really face either telling people or pretending all normal?

Take care of yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 14-Sep-13 12:47:22

"people will wonder what I did to make him go off with a girl who poses for photos of her spreading her legs in a toilet cubicle."

Being too preoccupied wondering what others are thinking is a fast-track to the nuthouse. They'll only know the gory details if you tell them (which I'm sure you won't) and, even then, the reaction is more likely to be one of shock and sympathy rather than making any kind of judgement about you.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher Sat 14-Sep-13 12:53:09

This is not your fault. Sending you support and brew.

FuntimeFuschia Sat 14-Sep-13 12:55:10

I don't know if I'll make the wedding tbh. My mum is coming over, he's taken the kids to his mum's house ao I have a bit of peace and quiet. My sister is travelling down tomorrow. He text ow first thing to tell her we were over. Apparently she is very sorry.

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