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Porn and Dating Sites

(10 Posts)
CatDogAndMouse Fri 13-Sep-13 23:39:26

I wonder if you can tell me if I'm being unreasonable or being taken for a mug?

I've been with my DP for 5 years. My 2 DC's live with us but are adults. He has 2 DD's who come to us EOW.

I have known for a long time that he likes to watch porn and whilst I wasn't happy about it, our sex life was good and therefore, not a huge problem. He always knew that it bothered me.

It's now got to the stage that whenever I look at the iPod, itouch or laptop the history is deleted. He doesn't delete the cookies though so I can see that he's always on porn sites. Our sex life is also poor now.

This week, I thought he was a bit odd when I was going to bed, first he said he was tired then suddenly tried to backtrack, saying "well, not really tired". He stayed up for several hours. So, the next morning I looked at his phone - I know I shouldn't have, but I had a gut feeling. Sure enough all history was deleted but cookies still there.

There were dozens of porn sites but also fbuddy and find local people for sex sites. About 5 different ones. I confronted him straight away and told him we were over and I was selling the house.

He kept texting and swears he hadn't been on the dating sites. Admits to porn. He tried to show me that they were pop ups but when he showed me the porn site not a single pop up came up. He told me he loves me and wants us to be together forever etc. but I can't stop thinking about it.

Am I being a mug to carry on or should we call it a day. I love him which makes it so hard.

Thank you for reading.

TheOrginalPoster Fri 13-Sep-13 23:49:31

From a purely technical POV, yes, it is possible cookies have been stored on your PC that you haven't visited.

The adult & dating sites could have been advertising on the porn sites as they are likely to attract the same sort of customer and somehow got a cookie into your computer even if there was no pop-up.

E.g- I always seem to have cookies for gambling sites though I never use them.

However, at the same time your DH could have visited them but without knowing exactly what he was clicking on its hard to tell. Ask him why he has taken to deleting his history?

FrancescaBell Sat 14-Sep-13 00:47:37

My vote is to call it a day.

Crap sex life, bloke who uses porn, lies about pop-ups and covers his tracks.

Rubbish influence on the young adults in your home too.

MrsMongoose Sat 14-Sep-13 00:54:37

You do know that many porn sites have fuck buddy pop ups. All the adverts say 'still wanking? Fuck a local slag' and stuff like that. I know, I watch a lot of porn myself.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet, if it were me.

MrsMongoose Sat 14-Sep-13 00:56:36

Just actually read the OP in full. No pop ups.

I'd also point out that I've rarely found a regular pop up. Sometimes I get them, sometimes I don't.

Any possibility that the cookies are coming from the on page advertising? Porn tube websites have embedded fuck buddy sites in their side bars, for example.

TheFallenNinja Sat 14-Sep-13 01:00:09

Just to be thorough, clear the cookies and go through the exercise again, then check the cookies.

CatDogAndMouse Sat 14-Sep-13 08:26:26

Thank you for helping. He's still adamant that he hasn't been on any sites other than porn.

I told him that I do believe that he's faithful to me (if he wasn't, I'd be gone). Part of me feels like if he carries on then things will progress to another stage and then another and that we should deal with this now.

I'm probably also insecure having previously being in a very long relationship in which I did feel secure - big mistake!

I thought about deleting the cookies and then checking again but I'm worried about getting into a habit of checking up on him - I don't want to have to do that. He had said he won't go on porn sites anymore but I'll have to trust him on that - or check

I agree that he's not a good role model for my sons. hmm

FrancescaBell Sat 14-Sep-13 19:08:24

Look, you said you knew he used porn and that he still did it even though he knew you didn't like it.

So why delete the evidence? It's not like he ever promised to stop, so he was doing that to hide something else.

Itsallveryscary Sat 14-Sep-13 22:21:48

Hi there, I am unsure of advice but I will add this. I have my own laptop, its new and had no virus protection or restrictions etc (well it didn't but has now).

Anyway to cut a long story short, after a few weeks every time I went on facebook, I kept getting pop ups of live girls, saying 'come and F* me now, all I need is your paypal details!', there were constant pop ups of naked girls (and I do not mean porn star types, these were young girls in their late teens early twenties who have posted on FB etc.) There were also other pop ups with more porn star types. Anyway I went mad at DH accusing him of all sorts and he denied, denied , denied. He says that as we both watch porn together and I know he watched it why would he hide, and also pointed out that this was my new laptop and he hadn't used it (true and he hasn't got password, although purely by chance we do share stuff like that). Anyway, I took it to a friend who is an IT guys and he sorted it all for me. The answer was, I had visited some sites to buy sexy underwear and toys, (we are not talking Ann Summers here, a bit more hardcore).... The other issues were that I had looked up details of a strip club that a friends DH visited on his stag do, and also read the trip advisor reports on it!!! Anyway because of my snooping and also buying sexy stuff and browsing, I got all these boobs popping up on facebook! Obviously I had gone a google search for 'strip clubs in xyz town' and also similar for the underwear and sex toys.

For what it's worth, it may be worth having a discussion with your DH regarding boundaries and porn. I know my DH watches it, and we do it together. I am not worried, and he mostly watches DVD's, as he is not technical and doesn't like computers or technology at all. However we have discussed that there is a massive different between watching porn on a dvd, or a video etc, and live interactive porn. i.e. watching other people have sex v chatting to someone and getting them to do stuff especially for you. We have the same boundaries regarding strip clubs. He doesn't frequent them (only once in 10 years when he was best man for a stag do). But he has said that although he might go again in a stag do situation, he wouldn't have a private dance, because again, its the difference between watching what is happening, and someone doing it just for you. Personally I do think your DH will look at porn again, so why not chat about what sort is more acceptable to you and then you can move forward if you want.

These are just our boundaries, and my rambling thoughts. Everyone is different. I am not saying we are right, but it is what we are comfortable with. I would expect that as we jointly agreed these that he would respect them as I do, and any breach of these boundaries could constitute as cheating in our books.

You might like to ask him, whether he would mind if you were doing what those women are doing for him (all be it via internet) for another man....

CatDogAndMouse Sun 15-Sep-13 18:51:27

Francesca - that's my biggest worry - surely it's worse than I thought if he needs to hide something.

Itsall - he insists it's popups and I have no other evidence that he's been on these sites. I think you're right about discussing what's acceptable and then hopefully there won't be any need to delete. He likes to just ignore disagreements and acts as if they never happened so I know he'll be miffed when I bring it up again but it needs sorting.

Thank you all for replying. It really has helped.

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