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What on earth do I say?

(27 Posts)
mummymcphee Fri 13-Sep-13 20:33:00

Planned a cosy night in with my new bf (I have been seeing him once or twice a week over the summer as it is difficult to see each other more frequently as I have a 2 year old DD and work full time).

Anyway we had a glass of wine over dinner and he told me that the friend who visited him a few weeks ago was actually an on off ex girlfriend and that she was shocked to find out he was seeing me and that she still loved him. He then said he had tried a relationship on three occasions with her since 2008 and that it had always ended when she had a meltdown. He told me he did love her but not on 'that' level. They both posted an album of her visit (she lives 200 miles away) on facebook and they look like a couple having a great time with his family. He just said that it wasn't real life and that she was a good time girl.

I have tonight to think about what I am going to say too him tomorrow...should I ignore the very uneasy feeling I have or should I suggest a break so He can go and find out how he really feels about her?

MissStrawberry Fri 13-Sep-13 20:35:11

run
run away
run away fast

mummymcphee Fri 13-Sep-13 20:38:05

Thanks miss strawberry I should listen to my gut feeling I think and take a break! x

MissStrawberry Fri 13-Sep-13 21:02:23

From him make it one for good.

Practicingtwinkletwinkle Fri 13-Sep-13 21:07:01

shock Oh dear, agree with above poster: run away fast! Don't waste your precious time and energy on him. Life is too short.

youvegotmail Fri 13-Sep-13 21:10:48

No no no no no. No. Just no.

Leave.

mummymcphee Fri 13-Sep-13 21:15:52

Mmmmm reality is hitting home.....got that horrible sinking feeling. I was really hopeful that this was different after all the crappy treatment I've had! My mum thinks he is ok as at least he has been honest....I am just sitting here feeling very second best.

cece Fri 13-Sep-13 21:16:11

Do not go there.

ImperialBlether Fri 13-Sep-13 21:18:47

I wouldn't see him tomorrow. I'd tell him I was meeting up with an ex.

mummymcphee Fri 13-Sep-13 21:23:35

Very funny Imperial! I am sure if I had told him I still loved DD's father and he loved me and we had spent last weekend together ....it would just sound odd!!

dedado Fri 13-Sep-13 21:24:28

From the facts you've written, it sounds like he could be leading her on.

they'd arranged to spend the weekend together
this included spending time with his family
she didn't know he was seeing anyone else

I think you should run , sorry .

pictish Fri 13-Sep-13 21:32:54

Bolt.

mummymcphee Fri 13-Sep-13 21:35:38

There is something very off about it all.....dedado! Apparently it was a last minute decision for her to visit as she didn't have to work. However he wasn't up front with me about exactly who was visiting until I texted him to meet me and my friends in town and I met her then....he did bring her with him. He told me after the weekend that she got together with his friend over the weekend but has since changed her mind about him. Very confused

PrincessFlirtyPants Fri 13-Sep-13 21:40:40

OP, please back away.

I was in exactly the same situation as you, I tried to be cool girlfriend who 'wasn't bothered' and trusted him, because it was "over between them" and they were "just friends". Yes, you guessed it he shagged her.

Run
Run
And fast.

mummymcphee Fri 13-Sep-13 21:51:48

Ok well that is pretty open and shut. It was my first attempt at a relationship since DD's father ran away when I was pregnant. I have been on about 14 first dates but this the first time I really felt I could move forward with someone. I don't feel that way tonight. At least I can let my legs go hairy and get my comfy underwear out again. I think I am going to give men a wide berth for a while! x

WhiteandGreen Fri 13-Sep-13 21:55:47

If you enjoy his company you could always 'go out' with him for a while, without investing too much in ideas of a future together. But only if you think you're likely to be able to maintain that level of detachment. They don't all have to be 'keepers'.

mummymcphee Fri 13-Sep-13 22:09:47

Thanks whiteandgreen I suppose I might feel able to do that if I was on my own but my DD has met him a few times and he has been really lovely with her. I suppose I just got carried away as he seemed very family orientated until the ex thing happened. I am very happy with DD and wish I could just relax and stop trying to meet someone.

dedado Fri 13-Sep-13 22:21:30

Whatever is our isn't happening with his ex, he's sending you mixed signals which suggests to me that he may be the type to love the one he's with, out of sight out of mind etc. Nothing personal about you, that's just him.

Unless you feel the same, I think he could do your self-confidence a bit of damage.

mummymcphee Fri 13-Sep-13 22:28:39

I think that if he was at all worried about my reaction to what he said last night he might have phoned me to discuss it ahead of the day trip we are supposed to go on tomorrow. He either didn't realise I was upset or doesn't care both scenario's suggest he just isn't that into me sad

WhiteandGreen Fri 13-Sep-13 22:49:49

Or he really isn't thinking about being with her in the future.

If you think you might fall in love with him I'd probably steer clear. And yes, DC do complicate this situation, a lot.

dedado Fri 13-Sep-13 22:51:58

I'd rewrite "he just isn't into me" as "he's just not right for me". He's not a prize that you win if you're good enough.

WhiteandGreen Fri 13-Sep-13 22:56:15

Yes, I like the phrase 'Mr. Right for somebody else'.

expatinscotland Fri 13-Sep-13 22:58:50

Oh, cool! The Mind Game Player. I've had a few of those. They aren't even worth it for a shag.

DTMFA.

Coconutty Fri 13-Sep-13 23:00:55

No, seriously dump him. No explanation needed, he'll know why.

mummymcphee Fri 13-Sep-13 23:07:44

okay good advice! I am definitely not looking for a fling but a serious long term relationship with someone who is committed to me and my daughter and who would do anything to avoid hurting us. We have both been through enough to let someone who is so thoughtless into our lives. I am going away for a week with my wee girl and I will use the time to get over this brief encounter with someone very charming but also very thoughtless x

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