Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Reaction to men and women on here

(188 Posts)
Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 16:40:52

From reading threads on here, you tend to get differing attitudes, outrage, advice, on similar threads depending on whether its a woman or a man. For example:
Scenario:
On a post about a husband not being keen on sex at the moment. The woman started giving him oral, he wasn't enthused and it didn't go any further.
Responses:
He is a lazy lover/he should have said no/get rid of him.

A similar post where roles are reversed:

Responses:
You didn't say yes/you may have been raped/you shouldn't feel pressured in to sex/you don't owe him anything.

Scenario:
My husband is ignoring me.

Response:
He is withholding communication this is a form of EA. leave him.

Scenario:
Im not talking to my husband. I'm scared he will kick off if I tell him how I feel. (A valid reason for not communicating).

Response:
This is EA, leave him.

Scenario:
I want to leave my husband.

Responses:
Plan/organise/don't tell him/check finances/speak to solicitor, etc.

Scenario:
My husband left me. I've received legal documentation.

Response:
That's awful/it seems premeditated/he's been planning this behind your back.

The above are summaries and just examples. What I really want to know is whether you think if two sides of the same argument wrote in they would get conflicting advice(scenarios like above, not extreme cases)? Whether you would get fairer advice if you were non gender specific in your thread set up? Whether different sexes should get differing advice? Are some people too bitter to give a fair assessment?

ModeratelyObvious Sat 14-Sep-13 19:07:18

Thanks Fran. Quelle surprise.

lurkinglorna Sat 14-Sep-13 19:06:19

I don't even know what these men's point is? confused Apart from getting attention.

What so loads of "impressionable" grin women are gonna read their shite posts and think "oh that's me told then, I clearly have to settle for weird men like that and be grateful"

Time it takes to scour the Net and compose this shite they could get a gym session in or do something that develops their sense of self which would actually make them more appealing.

FrancescaBell Sat 14-Sep-13 19:00:44

Interesting MNHQ message on the (now deleted) Blow Job thread mentioned by Treen in his OP:

Message from MNHQ: OP not genuine.

lurkinglorna Sat 14-Sep-13 18:52:57

happyhev

love that observation...

Yeah, I think its that air of "I'm so polite" combined with shite pseudo intellectual arguments that miss the point....

Like when you see a guys online dating ad and its got loads of very weird weak/angry/defensive statements.

Combined with random crap about "Of course I don't mean to be offensive" and random creepy smiley faces. At least man up and have the balls to acknowledge your hostility.

Erm sorry love your weird passive aggressive vibe has been noted, and that's why you're the kind of dude where the women you want turn you down/make polite excuses, which is why you end up passive aggressive...

And so the circle continues......hmm

Treen44444 Sat 14-Sep-13 13:28:58

Boomba - probably the wrong section, I put it here because I was commenting about this section.

ChangingWoman Sat 14-Sep-13 13:28:55

Badlad you're looking at AIBU posts. This is Relationships. AIBU is more a jokey discussion section of MN.

If this thread is meant to be broader than Relationships then probably better in Site Stuff or similar as a pp suggested.

At best, it's a nonsense here.

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 13:24:14

I have not read the whole thread.

But you give examples where we hear the woman's side. We can only give advice to the woman - it's not like her husband is sitting there too and both parties can have equal advice.

It's pretty standard human sympathy, isn't it, to take the side of the person who you are speaking to and say "Oh you poor thing, that person is behaving so horribly to you". Also what would be the point of saying "Well your behaviour is really awful and out of order. No wonder he's behaving like this." That just makes someone defensive. (Although actually, to be fair, I have seen threads that go this way too but rarely.)

On your EA example, the end result advice for both is the same: Leave the relationship. It isn't working.

Also you cannot ignore the gendered aspect of domestic abuse. Yes, female-on-male abuse does happen, but much more common is male-on-female abuse. Plus as a veteran of the boards and an abuse survivor, you can see it between the lines. It stands out a mile in the way somebody speaks about their partner. Not even the actual abusive acts described sometimes, but the little things or comments about incidents. It's just a mindset thing that you grow to recognise.

Boomba Sat 14-Sep-13 13:22:40

And why did you feel it appropriate to start the thread in the Relationship section?

Treen44444 Sat 14-Sep-13 13:06:12

Im not trying to argue anything here! Just an observation, you may observe it differently? I'm not saying whether advise is better or worse if gender bias is involved. I have also observed that they try and leave it out in counselling or court. (Even though, we are a long way from equality).
Some of my view points have been responses to questions, so at times shaped.
I think the fact that I have been called abusive,'gaslighter' and not a woman( which does offend me), because I hold a different opinion or observation completely emphasises how a bias can be involved. How these reactions can manifest and narrow a discussion. Being thought of as suspicious or an abuser for have a differing opinion isn't something I would advocate

BadLad Sat 14-Sep-13 13:01:32

I've had helpful advice on here when I have started threads. There are a couple of posts which seemd unnecessarily rude, such as the one in this thread which says "You're a real charmer, aren't you?"

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1632122-AIBU-to-refuse-to-babysit

But they are in the minority - mostly are helpful, even if disagreeing. What is annoying is those who don't take the OP at face value, and say things along the lines of "I think you just don't want to do it", but I haven't noticed any gender bias in that, and have seen similar all over the board.

I was also surprised on this thread to have it suggested that my wife might be afraid to talk to me, and hence have to do it in a public place. But since then, I have read other threads where that does indeed seem to be the case, so I can understand someone asking it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1572573-Stunned-by-DW-sorry-long

I actually found the comments very helpful, and didn't feel that anyone would have said anything different if it had been a woman posting.

The main bias I do see on here, or maybe it's just me, is that men's posts, unless outrageous, are less likely to be remarked on than women's. Not always, just a bit less likely. But that's understandable - people post on here with the expectation that they will get women replying to them, so it doesn't bother me if nobody notices my piping up.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 14-Sep-13 12:33:40

Yes happyhev!!! Totally agree that men pretending to be women posters have a particular writing style. I've noticed it on more than one occasion. The more they write, the more you get an inkling it's a male poster. Call it women's intuition ;)

happyhev Sat 14-Sep-13 11:31:35

I find it really interesting that men who post on MN pretending to be women have a really distinctive writing style. They try to appear really reasonable often beginning posts with 'I agree' or 'good point', but then disagreeing or making it clear they don't think it's a good point at all. If they were speaking in real life you just know they would be talking really slowly. The other thing they seem to do is structure their sentences and use vocabulary to try and make themselves appear intelligent and educated. This for me is the real give away, because an intelligent educated women would never hold the incoherent views that these characters profess.

DuelingFanjo Sat 14-Sep-13 09:06:15

Well, just wow. I went to sleep and then woke up to a thread that has become even more nonsensical and inconsistent.

It is not gender that informs responses it is experience. To suggest that one gender will react to similar experience in the same way is stupid.

Boomba Sat 14-Sep-13 09:02:23

I interested to understand why you started this thread?

do you think replies should be moderated, so they are not gender biased? Do you want your POV affirmed? Are you looking to have your mind changed?

thousands of people use MN. If you don't like a site its usual just to go find one that you do

most importantly, why do you think this thread is appropriate in this location?

Boomba Sat 14-Sep-13 08:56:03

This thread needs to be moved out of the relationship section

MatildaWhispers Sat 14-Sep-13 08:23:42

Haven't read all replies, but Treen are you someone who thinks that women have achieved equality with men now?

Can you imagine being so distraught about your own relationship that you end up posting about it on the internet to a bunch of strangers? Can you appreciate that if you were in an abusive relationship you may have already considered your partner's feelings and perspective, far more than you should have to the extent that you lose sight of yourself and what you need? In situations like that this forum is so useful in having a female bias. It's very much needed.

Offred Sat 14-Sep-13 07:41:47

And seriously who are you to set themselves up as arbiter of what is OK on MN?

That one comment you made "have you put on weight?" Is one of the worst and most damaging things I've read on here.

You have been around on here for how long? A week?

I've been here around 5 years under various names. You haven't had long enough to form a valid opinion. You're just a trouble maker hoping to fly under the radar by being subtle and passive aggressive.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 14-Sep-13 07:38:55

Treen....haven't read the whole (rather tedious) thread but are you a man?? Are you relatively new to mn? Have you ever posted for advice on relationships board? Have you ever used another name???

Offred Sat 14-Sep-13 07:36:14

Oh and I remember you you were the one who helpfully posted "have you put on weight?" On a thread about lack of sex...

It appears the rest of your MN career has been meddling in feminism...

Suspicious ain't it that you seem to consistently target areas of MN which threaten male supremacy...

If not a man then definitely a MRA <gavel>

Offred Sat 14-Sep-13 07:26:08

" Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support."
Did you read this treen?

Why on earth you think this is even vaguely appropriate on the relationships topic I don't know.

This should be in site stuff.

The fact it is in relationships betrays it's true purpose is to undermine support.

I don't need to link to threads btw because I am responding with my opinion to your thread. You however have repeatedly stated (incoherent) opinions as though they are facts. You need to understand that you are making damaging accusations which seek to undermine the support vulnerable women get on here.

If you don't think it is all that important and you are just casually making a point I would expect you ODFOD.

comingintomyown Sat 14-Sep-13 06:37:22

You are so a man no way would a woman write like this

Treen44444 Sat 14-Sep-13 02:09:21

Dark - what is troubling you about the conversation and the topic? I apologise if you ar offended. I don't see why though. I think we disagree.
I'll ask back on thread,
Do you think there is or isn't a bias? And is bad, good, helpful, unhelpful?

Treen44444 Sat 14-Sep-13 02:05:04

Don't answer the questions if you don't want to.

Darkesteyes Sat 14-Sep-13 02:04:03

Oh and just before i do You are a gaslighter OP Just so you know!

Darkesteyes Sat 14-Sep-13 02:03:13

Sabrina Mulholland was ABSOLUTELY RIGHT Hiding thread.

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