Hi I have name-changed for this but some of you may recognise me but please don't out me. My DH has an ex wife and a son with her. I get on well with the boy, but ever since DH and I got together the ex wife has made things difficult for DH. Contact arrangements, have to be on her terms. She constantly blames DH for everything. Earlier this year she tried to blackmail him for money using contact as a weapon.
Their marriage ended because the ex had an affair and DH found out and left her, she has recently married this man and relocated her life to live with him. When DH and I went to collect last few belongings from their garage when she sold the FMH, she made a point of giving him all her old love letters, I think she hoped it would get to me. DH just left them behind without even looking at them.
During the course of the settlement (it took a long time), DH and I started dating and we got married and had our first child. Meanwhile the ex was trying to deny she was in a relationship with her now husband. Now that DH has moved on and settled down with me he says she has gotten worse. Last year their financial settlement went to court and she lost out, basically DH got what he had proposed as judge said it was fair. My finances were examined for the settlement also, and she knows how much I am worth so to speak. She knows more about me financially than anyone apart from my DH and bank, and I hate it. She was happy when DH was sofa-surfing and begging for contact with his son, and trying to screw him for every penny.
We had DC2 2 weeks ago, he was slightly premature and needed hospital treatment, and she knew all this. Yet the ex played another game with contact, keeps sending bitchy emails and texts when DH tries to reasonably discuss future arrangements. We are home now and I am not looking forward to the next contact weekend, no idea when it will be.
She is so full of venom towards DH. It's like she gets a kick out of messing us around. I feel like she is a thorn in our marriage, who dictates when we can go on holiday (so we can take stepson), which weekends are ours etc at the last minute. She is getting worse as time wears on, and I thought time would have healed things for her.
I just want to understand why she is behaving like this she has been with her now husband for nearly 5 years, why can't she stop hating my DH? And why does she hate him/us? If I knew the answers I feel like I would be able to disengage a bit better, and perhaps anticipate what might cause her to flare up again. Basically I know she is not going to stop existing, but DH and I need to cope with her behaviour better for the sake of our own marriage, which is otherwise very good. At one point in time I hoped that we could have become more amicable for sake of the children, but it doesn't look like she is interested in this. Although we are both willing to forget all the crap that's gone before if we can achieve this.
Does anyone have any advice on how to best handle someone like this? DH is ignoring all the venom and trying to just focus on his son, and keeping what he says about him. I have no direct contact with the ex-wife, although she did want to meet me not long after the settlement, but I refused as she had just cost us an arm and a leg in legal fees, had my finances picked apart, called all sorts in emails, and I was heavily pregnant with DC1.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
ex wife - need some perspective
mummyisamilkmachine · 13/09/2013 11:33
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