Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

More I should do or am I being a mug?

(233 Posts)
flyingfarfalla Mon 09-Sep-13 05:25:54

This is such a horrible thing to say but it has got to the stage where I feel like DP is just tagging along in my life and I am at a loss of how to support him or whether I can/should.

He doesn’t contribute financially (I work FT which is quite stressful but am very lucky to have it and that it pays well so we are financially secure), with childcare (he found it a bit much looking after our toddler when we moved abroad – which I appreciated– so DS (now 4) is in nursery each day and DP picks him up at 3 and looks after him before I get home and help out with bath and bed) and with looking after the flat which he felt was preventing him from looking for work (so I got a live-in helper who does the cleaning, cooking and shopping). He also doesn’t contribute emotionally (I never get a birthday, Christmas, valentine or mothers day present but always try and make the effort with him).

The main thing though is that he just doesn’t seem to want to do anything at all ever. Honestly, if he was filling the time with a study course, with starting a business, with volunteering, with a hobby etc which made him happy (all of which I have said I would support) I would support that. But he just says he doesn’t know what to do. He says he doesn’t have a ‘thing’ which makes me a bit upset since I can’t see why me and DS can’t be his ‘thing’. (Who really gets to do their thing anyway – I would love to live in the country and faff around with crafts all day for example but I can’t and accept that).

He also says that he would really like to get a job so that I have to work less but makes little effort to do so (I think he has applied for about 4 in 2 years). He says he feels he can’t do things as well as me but I don’t put pressure on him to do so and I try and boost his confidence – tell him he is a good dad, that he looks nice etc. He spends most of his time looking at cricket on his bb.

Realising he may well be down or even depressed, I have tried to talk to him and suggested counseling but he says he doesn’t want/need that. When I try and discuss the future and what he thinks we could do to make him and both of us happier/have better job prospects/moving again etc – he says he doesn’t know and he doesn’t have any ideas.

I have rather lost patience now. This isn’t a partnership and I feel like I am living with another child (although one that has less energy) that I am losing respect for. I feel like I want to cry most mornings and feel let down and sometimes cross. If I tell him I am unhappy he just sighs and says that makes him feel bad so I try and be upbeat as much as I can. I’m trying to be a good partner but am not sure I can love with so little coming back still. It’s not that he is taking advantage by spending lots of money or going out loads (in fact I wish he would go out or get a hobby) it is more death of a relationship through passivity and ennui. Am I being pathetic?

RegTheMonkey Thu 26-Sep-13 15:59:32

Sorry, that should have said 'I don't know the legal implications'

RegTheMonkey Thu 26-Sep-13 15:59:01

I think the thing that stood out for me from all the outrageous things about this man was the lie in on a Sunday so he could 'have a rest'. A rest from what?????
I don't the legal implications, but if they aren't married, does that impact on his legal position re custody etc?
Flying, you are the most patient, tolerant person I think I've ever heard of. I just think that years of this behaviour would kill any love I had for a partner. Can you look ahead 5 years, 10 years, still with this partnership?

passedgo Thu 26-Sep-13 09:26:18

I can understand that he is demoralised. Being long term unemployed won't do his CV any good either, it would benefit all of you for him to find work, regardless of whether you stay together. Perhaps moving will be the only way to change that. His work options will be wider here too if he is prepared to diversify.

Jaynebxl Thu 26-Sep-13 05:49:25

Any joy with the house hunting?

flyingfarfalla Sat 21-Sep-13 10:29:02

Thanks. Im househunting back in the UK next week so fingers crossed. Unlikely to physically move until the summer though realistically.

NeedlesCuties Sat 21-Sep-13 08:45:02

You do seem to be getting through to DH a bit, but seems like a case of too little too late.

All the best for the return to UK.

Roshbegosh Sat 21-Sep-13 08:25:50

It sounds rubbish for both of you. Whether you stay together or not, come home.

mistlethrush Sat 21-Sep-13 08:22:09

But he's not even pulling his weight with your son either. The '4 hrs of jobhunting' doesn't preclude him from helping your son to make a lantern. And how many jobs has he actually applied for???

On another front, how are plans for coming back to the UK going?

flyingfarfalla Sat 21-Sep-13 08:17:37

Thanks mirai. Yes, I did pick him up on job front and said i was disappointed and frankly shocked that he hadn't even updated linkedin when he is apparently so desperate for a job. He said he genuinely hadn't even realised it was something he should do and as soon as I said it he realised he should. He then spent next two days updating it. He also explained that he does 4 hours of job hunting research a day but he just goes round in circles and doesn't find anything which he finds demoralising.

I do believe this actually since he just isn't lying sort and really just seems to be more just unable to think for self or do things. Awful as it sounds he just seems to be incapable and if not depressed then this is just who he is now I guess.

mirai Sat 21-Sep-13 06:42:02

Not being able to find work? But he hasn't been looking!

If his LinkedIn was up to date and he'd been calling round companies and firing off applications and still not getting anywhere THEN yes he could possibly be sad and frustrated at not finding work.

But how can he be sad at the non-appearance of something he hasn't even been looking for?

Bear in mind too that unless you were in that room with him, he is only telling you what he thinks he can get away with. He's hardly going to say "the therapist told me I need a rocket up my bum, I'm taking the piss out of you and DS and I need to up my game".

He's absolutely taking the mick out of you and I am so sad that you are going to have to take a backwards step in the career you've worked so hard for, in order to accommodate this lazy useless git.

flyingfarfalla Sat 21-Sep-13 04:18:09

Update for anyone still around...had long chat with DP and said I was feeling very down and thought he was too and that he doesn't do enough so I have been worrying he may have depression. I suggested again that it may be good to see someone.

He did! Had 2 hours with therapist which he said was really useful. She said she doesn't think he is depressed just a bit sad and frustrated with not being able to find work.

flyingfarfalla Mon 16-Sep-13 13:01:18

No. I would think it was a relationship which had progressively got into trouble over a period of several years and where the mum was trying very hard to balance her own feelings and interests of a child with those of a partner who is struggling and could be depressed (we still don't know) and where the consequences of doing something rash could mean she loses her child. And all in the context of living the other side of the world to her family and friends and trying to juggle demanding job. It isn't actually that clear cut. Wish it was.

If someone else was telling you all this and you flyingfarfalla were on the outside looking in, would you actually think this couple were now together purely out of habit?.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Sep-13 12:49:11

Yes, ds probably lowered his expectations to zero a long time ago

he took his cue from you (sorry, love)

flyingfarfalla Mon 16-Sep-13 12:43:01

ds doesnt seem to be bothered...which somehow makes it sadder actually.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Sep-13 12:35:32

As a general rule, I do find that children suss people out very well indeed, because they don't have all the societal crap and pressure about how we must always excuse men and always put them first and foremost

kids don't know any of that bollocks (yet)

unfortunately, your son is having those damaging lessons rammed home waaaay before he should have to be confronting them

Think your DS is very perceptive; you could learn from your son.

I would also argue that if he had not picked up this freebie lantern from the shopping centre there would be no lantern of any sort.

BranchingOut Mon 16-Sep-13 12:28:09

Ok, well, encourage him to do whatever it is the next thing that needs to be done is. Rome wasn't lit in a day...(see my lantern reference there!)

Does he understand that it is not so much the end product but the process of making it together which is so important?

flyingfarfalla Mon 16-Sep-13 12:18:15

yes Jux.sad sad sad

Jux Mon 16-Sep-13 12:00:52

Did you say upthread that DS wanted a monkey lantern? Maybe dh couldn't envisage it, so just did whatever. DS probably sensed his disinterest and turned off from it, knowing he wasn't going to get what he wanted anyway. sad

flyingfarfalla Mon 16-Sep-13 11:58:53

AF - yes. No surprise ds did not want to do something so dull at 5.30pm after a full Monday at nursery. Making a monkey lantern from scratch together whilst on holiday last week or at the weekend when it is a fun task together rather than a chore would be another matter. Am almost more cross than if had not bothered at all.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Sep-13 11:54:50

...which is why he wasn't keen about doing stuff with him

AnyFucker Mon 16-Sep-13 11:54:31

So he blames his laziness on his son ?

That's a low trick

Your son probably has him sussed for the halfhearted, selfish person that he is

flyingfarfalla Mon 16-Sep-13 11:45:15

Lantern update.....It has been done!

However, less positive is it IS the free one from the shopping center with a few random splodges of paint on it. Prob took 10 min max. I told him it was lazy. He said DS didn't want to do one with him.

flyingfarfalla Mon 16-Sep-13 07:49:54

LazeyJaney - yes, I think there is a risk he would and especially since I think his family would encourage it. Not a risk worth taking.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now