Have had a thread a few months ago on now exp, but to cut long story short he's a dickhead. He's lied repeatedly and twisted things where I would say sorry for what he had done, he's crossed so many boundaries and enough was enough.
He won't leave me alone, I try not to engage (doesn't always work) he turns up and barges his way in. Yesterday after dropping dc off after having them for a few hours after school he barged in went to my fridge helped himself to food, starts shouting at me because I refused to discuss his life and generally was throwing his weight around iyswim.
Last weekend it ended up instead of him having dc it ended up us all going to the cinema and his other dc. There again he doesn't leave me alone and when we went out after he's again grabbing my arse trying to kiss me ect ect.
Last night he was threatening me like a child if I didn't kiss him he was going to slap me. I didn't and he didn't but its still not nice.
He won't stick to a regular contact day and time either (cos he won't be in control) and I'm just so fed up of this stress.
I think because we had a volotile relationship and used to argue once a month and he would leave for 3 days he thinks I'm not so serious now. He has admitted we're not over till he says.
I just want him to leave me alone but still see the dc, I don't understand why he's still doing this. He has done some truly awful things to me but I'm the one who feels guilty and I have to be honest I do really miss him sometimes. Well I miss the nice times not the horrible times.
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Any advice with getting exp to leave me alone would be appreciated
DragonsAreReal · 07/09/2013 10:31
Oh dear, not a good situation to be in OP...
My children are all grown up now, late teenager years and early 20's and when I left their father about 5 years ago and he started all this malarkey I had to give them a choice - contact him if you wish, it will not upset me nor worry me. See him if that is what you want and I will respect it but I will not be a part of it. And he is never to come here to my home. They were younger then clearly but able to make their own minds up about contact.
I feel for those with young children who don't have the almost luxury to be able to have this conversation with their Dc's.
This post is of no help to you I know but you are not alone in suffering this behaviour at all so don't go feeling that you are 
Its temporary, if that is of any help to you. Children grow up and pretty much make their own minds up about things like this.
We do all feel its our responsibility as a parent to ensure a good relationship between Dc's and the other parent but really, it is not. Its up to the other parent.
Try to, whenever possible, when thinking of him and his behaviour, to do so with as much humour as you can muster up. Its hard but it helps to cope. It soon becomes second nature to mock the fool as he stomps about with his demanding self, all bloody minded and frankly looking like a tosser (that's my ex - not yours but if he is the same as my ex then yeah, tosser is the word!)
Keep your head up OP - this will pass.
Strokethecat I have changed his name on my phone to mr perfect so everytime he rings I'm laughing at his nn 
humour helps a lot!
I think you need to completely change how you're dealing with this. Even your email to him sounds appeasing rather than matter of fact. You need to show him his behaviour won't be tolerated. That means upping the ante.
I'm normally the person who tries to find the middle ground and work out win/win situations for people. When it come to an abuser who thinks nothing of threatening to slap you if you don't kiss him, all best are off. The only language someone like that understands is zero-tolerance with consequences to back it up.
Given that you are used to being cowed by him (for very good reasons 
) the only chance you have to do this is to eliminate your exposure to him. That means no more cosy family outings and no more entry into your house (or you in his). That sort of set up only works when separated parents are on very good terms, and where there is mutual respect.
I would write an email to say that you have decided that the current arrangement is not working. You need a specified contact arrangement with set times. You are happy for him to specify the dates and times but once agreed on, they must be adhered to. If he cannot make whatever day/time he has specified one week, he will miss that contact. While you are willing to be flexible as the occasion demands it (e.g. an extra visit for a family member's birthday), these need to arranged within reasonable timeframes (e.g. 7 days), not on an ad-hoc basis because you need to be able to plan your own life and, more importantly, the children need the benefit of a routine.
Go on to state that handovers will be made on the street as you no longer consent to have him in your home due to previous assaults on you, which include grabbing your bottom and attempting to kiss you while threatening you with violence if you didn't comply (and yes, name them for what they are). Point out that not only do you have every right to feel safe within your own home, your children have the right not to be forced to witness their father's abuse of their mother.
You can contact your X's family direct to see if they want to continue contact with your DS.
I suspect that once your X realises that you will not be intimidated by him and give in to him, his interest in his children will recede quite dramatically. That is sad, but please, please, please do not chase after him trying to make him step up. THat is the last thing your children need. if he's going to be a useless fuckwit of a father who views his children only as pawns he can use to abuse their mother, they really are better off without him.
Good luck.
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