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Was I expecting too much

(77 Posts)
buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 09:46:59

I was 30 on Monday.
Dh asked for list of things to get weeks ago.
Asked for 2 things (not extravagant, less than he'd spend on his hobby stuff)

Morning of birthday, no presents, no card. Didn't even get ds to make me a card.

Just said, I didn't have time to get you anything, I'll do it after work. I was visibly disappointed.

I emigrated here to his home country, no family, not many close friends.

That evening he gave me presents & card, said we'll do something sat and didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening.

It's Sat evening here now, I asked if we were doing anything, he stormed out for an hour, came back with ready mix for a cake.

Told him not to bother, I was disappointed with everything.

He told me I was an ungrateful brat, what I asked for was too expensive, I was a moody bitch all week. 'Fuck you and your fucking birthday'

Was I expecting too much, tbh I was sad this week. Missing my friends & family who would've celebrated my bday with me.

I knew he wouldn't have done anything big and that's fine but he had so much time to even have a card for me that morning or all day to do something like make a card with ds.

I know I'm too old for 'special birthday girl' strop but is it ok to be disappointed by this?

rainbowfeet Sat 07-Sep-13 09:53:47

He sounds like an arse!!! hmm

What a miserable birthday you must have had, if he wasn't willing to buy you the gifts you wanted then that's fine but he should have got you something else! Flowers, cake & a card doesn't cost the earth. shock

Can't stand men who are tight & stingey ... (My exh was.... Always bought my presents inc engagement ring out of joint account)!!!! hmm

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 10:07:24

Thanks Rainbowfeet! Yep, I think he's being an arse too but my thinking is clouded by what he's saying and I don't know if it was reasonable to expect to be treated nice on your birthday.

I'm sorry you were with someone so stingey x

NeedlesCuties Sat 07-Sep-13 10:46:58

"I don't know if it was reasonable to expect to be treated nice on your birthday."

OP, it is reasonable to be treated nicely all the time. Not having someone say "fuck you". I've been married 13 years and my DH wouldn't dream of saying that to me... well, he might say it in his head during a row, but has never said it aloud.

What do you do when it's his birthday? How is the rest of the time? Was he actually busy/too busy to sort things out for your birthday, or just not bothered?

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 11:25:51

We're a bit stressed at the moment because we're building a house.

He always leaves things to the last minute. He's now claiming he had a nice dinner planned for tmro and that I'm a brat who couldn't wait. That he had bought the presents & card but left them at work so couldn't have given them to me that morning.

I think he knows it's not good enough and lashed out on the defensive.

If what he says is true he could've said 'look sorry I don't have anything but you'll have them tonight, anyway happy birthday etc'

Or when u asked if we were doing anything 'no but I have dinner planned tomorrow'

I'm not unreasonable I would've been fine with that.

Just told him its not ok to call me names or say fuck you and he said its my behaviour that causes it.

Asked him to leave me alone, went on & on about how things are going to change, I have to help more with lawns and cleaning up, need to start doing laundry correctly.

For his birthday, I usually get a present & card, make him a cake with ds & take him out to lunch/dinner.

The stupid thing is the day before my bday was Father's Day here and I did all that.

We also met on my birthday date hmm

TwoStepsBeyond Sat 07-Sep-13 11:29:09

Absolute tosses, especially given that its also your anniversary and you'd done some nice stuff for him the previous day.

The lack of prezzy/celebration is bad enough, but teaming it with verbal abuse, crap excuses and criticism of your housework is totally unjust, whatever projects he is busy working on.

Selfish twat.

TwoStepsBeyond Sat 07-Sep-13 11:29:23

Tosser, sorry!

Gingerstrumpet Sat 07-Sep-13 11:31:15

You're with a man who doesn't treat you well enough.

I'm not going to say leave him, because that's a massive decision to make with lots of factors to consider.

But if you decide to stay with him you need to accept that you are going to spend a lot of time hurt and disappointed.

His treatment of you is extremely poor. Whether you choose to accept that long term is up to you.

I'm sorry you had a horrid birthday.

He's a lying, gaslighting, controlling twunt. How long are you prepared to put up with this?

And what terrible. 'incorrect' things are you doing to the laundry?

mamas12 Sat 07-Sep-13 11:38:21

Wow after you you treating him only the day before and then not doing a single thing for you is quite frankly upsetting at the very least
It shows a massive lack of respect and taking for granted attitude and you should not stand fir it
Stern words needed and if he expects more of your support he needs to step up to being a partner

Leverette Sat 07-Sep-13 11:39:20

Your expectations are too low.

NeedlesCuties Sat 07-Sep-13 11:42:39

Do you feel safe or isolated? Do you have any support where you are? I know you said you aren't in your home country, but do you have anyone you can feel close to?

What's he like with your DS?

By the way, Happy Birthday for Monday cake wine

somersethouse Sat 07-Sep-13 11:51:19

Firstly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Secondly, he is being horrible to you, sounds much like how my (d)H behaves. I have had the washing comment, cleaning comment. I expect nothing any more and am planning my escape!
I am also isolated and not in my home country, I am in his.

Keep strong OP. Sending love and flowers above all, know you are right, he is not being kind.

Fairenuff Sat 07-Sep-13 12:10:27

Your expectations are unbelievably low

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 12:21:17

Thank you all, apart from him, I went out for icecream with my so that day so I had since day with him.

I am isolated but I don't feel unsafe, I know a few people here but not enough to talk about this with, they're nice though and I can distract myself with them.

His take on the whole thing is - he was working that day so couldn't do anything, he was planning something tomorrow.

In fairness, I'm not the best at housework. He has a really high standard whereas I'm happy with a less than pristine show house, I'm not dirty but not as good as him.

He's good with ds, very good, they have a loving relationship, always laughing and very affectionate.

I do all the laundry but not the way he likes e.g folding tho he never says anything till tonight, usually heavy sighs and refolding grin

Gingerstar, your post has made me think, thank you.

The thing I keep thinking about is I think he would've made a big deal of my birthday if we were at home and he had people to impress.

Family & friends think he's great and they were all asking how he was spoiling me.

Whenever we're around other people he really plays up, friends have told me 'God, he'd do anything for you, you're so lucky'

Yeah, anything except have a normal discussion.

He also told me tonight 'don't you dare write me a letter or an email, sending me an email during the day is rude when you know I'm working'

In the past, I've sent him an email trying to explain how I felt because its impossible to talk without him getting angry.

He is verbally abusing you and then has the fucking cheek to tell you that you "made him do it?". Appalling treatment that shouldn't be putting up with at any time, particularly on a big birthday.

You need to have a very serious discussion about his lack of respect for you, and if he won't listen, you need to start considering your options very carefully.

And if he doesn't like the way you do the laundry, he can do it his bloody self! Who made him king of all the laundry? I don't like the way my DH folds stuff, but I'm grownup enough to realise that's my problem, not his, and I have no right to tell another rational adult, my partner, how to do things or expect him to live up to my expectations rather than his own.

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 13:01:46

I don't feel I can ever have a discussion with him, no matter how carefully I word it, he gets angry and defensive and it turns into him giving me examples of what I do wrong. If I were to talk to him about lack of respect for me, it would be that I don't respect him enough to clean the place better and leave it all to him etc etc.

2 or 3 times in the past I've written him a letter or email and it seems to get through to him & defuse the situation, though tonight he's told me not to dare write him a letter or email and how rude & unfair it is to have to get an email when he's working.

He's said before he'll speak to someone about how angry & mean he gets but I get now that was to shut me up.

A few weeks after he said he'd go, I asked if he'd gone or looked into it.
'No, and I'm not going to tell you when I do so don't ask again, it's something I'll do for me'
So he successfully put a stop to me asking again.

I have to read and re-read all your posts, I forgive easily so my son isn't in a tension filled atmosphere but nothing changes and it happens again and again.

HumphreyCobbler Sat 07-Sep-13 13:04:53

I am terribly sorry you have to put up with this abusive twat op. You deserve better.

HumphreyCobbler Sat 07-Sep-13 13:05:53

but remember you don't have to put up with him if you don't want to, I read back my post and realised it sounds as if you are stuck with this situation - you certainly are not. You deserve to be treated so much better than this

Fluffymonster Sat 07-Sep-13 13:54:34

Belated Happy Birthday OP. Your post is very sad - I can feel your hurt and disappointment, and you have a right to be.

I experienced something similar once. It was a Mothers Day - both our two young kids had been ill with sickness and diarrhoea. I had caught conjunctivitis myself, from non-stop changing dirty nappies, being touched/prodded by infected kids - and getting very little support from DP (he was working and actually had two nights out while I was stuck indoors with kids and conjunctivitis) - so Mothers Day came and I got nothing. I was hugely upset. I told him exactly how I felt - and what a shit I thought he was being. He did apologise but at the same time, justified it by saying he'd been working, there hadn't been much time, he'd been tired etc. I asked him how he would feel if it was the other way around? He said he'd be OK with it, not as upset as I was being.

I drew a line there - as up until then, it was always me who had made more of a fuss for him, and bought nice presents that he took for granted. He's like that with his parents as well - they always remember his birthday, while he is hit and miss with theirs. His parents dote on him, and I think although he's generally kind, occasionally a sense of entitlement comes out.

The following year, when when it was his turn, I did nothing for him, for the first time ever. I didn't say anything about it, and I wasn't in a mood, it was just a normal day. He also didn't make a fuss and didn't mention anything. The kids made some cards from nursery. Christmas, instead of a big fuss/present, it was a dvd and a card. Valentines - nothing.

The next time Mother's Day rolled around again I got a back massage, taken out for lunch, posh chocolates, and two lovely cards - one from him and one from dcs. The telling thing was he muttered something along the lines of hoping he might get something for the next Father's day. LOL.

I'm not saying this is what you should do or would even have the patience for it. But his behaviour is indicative that the relationship is in a bad way, and something needs to change.

You are not expecting too much to want someone to show you they care.

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 14:15:53

Would it be very childish to put the amount of money he spent on my presents in his bank account?

I feel he's taken the good out of it complaining how he spent more than he was willing to.

I even gave him website where they were cheaper and specified an older model so he wouldn't complain about the cost.

Everytime I use it now it annoys me but I don't want to throw it away, would sending him the money be ridic passive agressive?

JoinYourPlayfellows Sat 07-Sep-13 14:21:48

Don't send him the money.

Put it in a savings account for when you eventually leave his miserable, abusive arse.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sat 07-Sep-13 15:15:00

You poor thing. He years you with utter contempt. Please leave. Please.

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