Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Wise words please, I think:(

(11 Posts)
fairiesatthebottomofthegarden Sat 07-Sep-13 16:11:44

Yes,I am waiting for the front to slip when I actually stand up and ask for something I am entitled to and he will not like itsad we in separate rooms so that's something. I have very little and have been honest - after all I struggle to comprehend how he can take from me when he is the one in the home and a roof over his headconfusedhowever,none of this stops my fearssad

EnoughOfThis Sat 07-Sep-13 15:23:42

Yes my ex walked out when things didn't go his way and refused to return, even though it was about something I am legally entitled to. Can you take someone with you for back up, someone fairly independent and not too involved, just having someone else there might keep him in check.

If you haven't already discussed money/debts and have savings in your name. Try to put it into someone else's name (children, parents?) and whatever you do don't mention it to your solicitor or mediator. Response from both was "well you've disclosed it now so they have to take it into account". That's something I wish I had done, rather than trying to be honest. Ex played the honest/decent card for a while, so I went along with it too, but when it comes to it they'll take all they can get....because a penniless divorcee isn't a very attractive prospect! LOL! grin

fairiesatthebottomofthegarden Sat 07-Sep-13 13:33:03

Tbh I am frightened to say too much, he has had his way in mediation so far, if I say too much I am seen as unreasonable, however there are some things coming up to be discussed that I have to remain firm on-that's when I can see it failing

EnoughOfThis Sat 07-Sep-13 13:25:42

Yeah agree about the mediation, no one told me that and it was a total disaster but think perhaps for legal aid you have to try first.

Though if he is abusive mediation won't work....

fairiesatthebottomofthegarden Sat 07-Sep-13 13:19:27

I did think that but we seem to just go along,like I say,it feels like what happened doesn't really mattersad

BerylStreep Sat 07-Sep-13 13:10:04

I believe that the standard view s that mediation shouldn't be entered into if there has been abuse.

fairiesatthebottomofthegarden Sat 07-Sep-13 13:08:22

Thank you for your replies, I did report it to police and he was arrested,that's when I left-couldn't face him returning home. Solicitor knows why I left, I didn't want to and yes,the advice was to stay but after that I couldn't-he had said some awful things to me leading up to it and that was just the final straw. No-one seems too concerned over the incident, it's not been mentioned at all really, I find this frustrating because its like it doesn't matter-but it does to mesad I hope to return to the house for a period of time that suits me, this is supposed to come up in mediation but he has made it clear he will not allow me to return. Looking back I feel he deliberately forced me to leave, also bullying was very subtle I struggle to see it but others have said it was happening

EnoughOfThis Sat 07-Sep-13 12:16:26

When I was splitting with exh the first thing that the older and wiser people I spoke to said was "don't leave the house". Although he wasn't physically abusive so I had no leg to stand on with regards to getting him removed. I just wanted to run and totally understand why you have. Instead it came to really desperate measures for me. I finally got him out, but it involved the police and an ambulancesad

A friend of mine has experienced similar to you...you need to report the physical abuse (pushing) to the police. Get legal advice, if there's been physical violence you'll qualify for help. You might be able to get an injunction against him.

Where I am there is a "one stop shop" for domestic violence, is there something similar near you? They will have police, solicitors, etc. They have heard it all before and see it for what it is. Abuse. If there's nothing like that where you are, speak to your citizens advice bureau.

BerylStreep Sat 07-Sep-13 12:00:00

Agree, you need legal advice. Tell your solicitor about the domestic violence.

You should not have had to leave the home, although I am glad you had the courage to do so.

Molly333 Sat 07-Sep-13 11:50:24

You must seek legal advice immediately , you and the children need to hv yr rights protected. He has bullied you out of your home just how he has bullied your life . If you look back to other incidences in yr life did he always use bullying to get what he wanted? Take action and hv minimal contact ( therefore repeating giving in to him behaviour) . You as a parent have a responsibility to protect what yr children are due .

I know this because I left a bully to , it was so so hard , he fought me every step of the way , you hv to stand up.

I now live in my house ( I remortgaged and paid him off) , he never sees the children ( he can't be bothered), I am at university and am self employed part time, you can and must stand up, you hv lost soo much already x

fairiesatthebottomofthegarden Sat 07-Sep-13 09:36:39

Hello, posted quite a lot recently, your advice always helpssmile I left my h couple months ago, I filed for divorce and was hoping we could remain in the home for dcs sake - apparently not, he hit the roof when he received petition and spent two weeks being spiteful and nasty to me then finally pushed me over in front of dcssad since leaving I have thought alot about our relationship and wonder if if have done the right thing. I was on my own with dcs most of the time, I am sahm and did everything for them but he wouldn't even get up to do breakfast once in awhile when he had a day off, I got up at night when needed,i did bed and bath time while he sat at computer or watching tv,school runs were me even if he was off. When i was ill i was left to continue, even after a operationsadHe expected me to organise what we were doing if he was off then complained I organised him and told him what to do. I was unhappy for a while and tried many times to talk to him but I was either moaning,shouting or lecturing so eventually I stoppedsad sex was expected, he would want it at 4am sometimes and if I gave in it would be ok but if not he would turn his back cross leaving me to getup for dcs while he went back to sleep, then he would wonder why I was tired and going to bed early at night. He has clipped me round the head once for not wanting it, punched holes in a wall and generally could get quite cross, this didnt help. I got up in the mornings with the children and went to bed alone while he would often be up til the early hours playing on the computer or watching tv. Over the years there were some incidents involving violence, never anything really awful and not regularly but they happened, it was my fault for pushing him too far apparently, usually when it was something he perhaps didnt want to hear and was the truth. He did nothing to improve our relationship, any changes never lasted and he would say things but rarely meant what he said. In the end I had enough, it was a really hard decision to make, he has refused to accept any responsibility and is blaming me entirely, he is a victim, I find this hard, since we left I find I am unable to speak to him other than what's necessary, I see no point in talking to someone who pretends nothing has happened and is pleasant to my face, but refuses to accept any responsibility for where we are today. My future is very unknown atm, he is in our family home and has no intention of leaving. not sure what I am asking. It it has helped to write it down, thank you for reading

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now